(Closed) Help understanding my ex fiancé

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

I’d have a talk with him about this. Tell him to stop and that you don’t want anything to do with him anymore. If it continues I would be calling the cops on him for stopping and take some legal action. He sounds a little crazy so when ever you do talk to him make sure it’s in a public place. Take this very serious. It could be something so harmless but you never know these days.

Post # 3
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

louiseey:  I’m sorry about your breakup and I’m happy you have the correct actions and mindset to get yourself straight.

It sounds like he just wants the benefit of you without the commitment.  Showing up at your work and home is highly innapropriate- especially since you’ve made it more than crystal clear he’s no longer a part of your life.  Does this make you uncomfortable?  I would not tolerate this. 

If I’m reading into the situation correctly, I suggest that you tell him one time to stop all appearances and calls or you will have to take further action.

A restraining order might need to happen and you need to call the aurhorities when he shows up work, home or where ever.  Document everything that happens so you have evidence- dates, times, etc.  

This is not normal behavior- please stay safe! 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  jar111415.
Post # 4
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

He sounds like a stalker. Politely tell him to leave you alone if he refuses you can put a restraiting order against him. Yes stalking is a real thing.

Post # 5
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I know he doesn’t want to get back together so why won’t he leave me alone? He is the one who ended it

Because he wants the power trip of *winning* you back so he can dump you again. Most likely with less sensitivity and respect than he used the first time he dumped you. If he used any at all.

It’s a power and ego trip for him. Nothing more. Don’t be that girl. You could try going to a lawyer and asking them to draw up a *cease and desist* letter and have the lawyer mail it to him. It’s amazing how persuasive a little law firm letterhead can be. It would also turn the tables completely. He probably thinks you really really really want to respond to him and that he is torturing you. Maybe he imagines you white-knuckling and gritting your teeth because you want to answer the door so. damn. bad. Because of course he thinks he is all that. A letter from a lawyer saying *get lost creep. It’s over. Move on already* would deflate that ego pretty darn fast and put you firmly in the power seat.

 

Post # 6
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

By the way, now that you have stopped responding to him you have to keep going. If you respond with anything – anything at all – you have very effectively taught him that he needs to harass the crap out of you for x number of days in order to get a response. Do not train him to harass you for a response.

Post # 7
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You’ve accepted it, so move on.

Continue not responding to him (in any way), it only invites more contact. He’s playing some type of game with this shit.

Post # 8
Member
8822 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

louiseey:  See if you can get a restraining order. If he’s showing up at your work, that’s jeopardizing your livelihood. Your company could easily decide that he’s a danger and YOU could end up canned for it! And showing up at your house when you’ve asked him not to is trespassing. This must be so stressful and just reinforces that you are better off without him. People who love you will not try to scare, intimidate, harass, and control you like this. Good luck, I hope you get peace of mind back soon!

Post # 9
Member
1840 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Before a restraining order or a cease and desist, have you talked to him about this yet (like telling him to stop)?  Or have you just assumed he would get the message by ignoring him?  How long has it been since you decided to stop all contact?  Maybe he just really doesn’t understand you’re done.  I’m all for following appropriate methods if he’s stalking, but I do think a “don’t try to contact me again” is a necessary first step.  It can be confusing to go from sleeping together to nothing at all at the drop of a hat. 

Post # 10
Member
4244 posts
Honey bee

He had all the power before. Now he doesn’t. He keeps trying to contact you to regain that power and dynamic where you were the one wanting him more. Keep ignoring him, it’s the exactly the right thing to do. 

Post # 11
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

louiseey:  I’m so sorry this happened to you and that now your ex-FI is causing even more pain. Please don’t beat yourself up for having originally stayed in contact. It is awful he is manipulating you and I can’t imagine the confusion he has caused you. You are smart for ending contact and realizing you need to move on. I suggest start dating guys casually if you’re ready. Your ex is acting crazy I suggest talking with security at your work and alerting them to his stalker behavior. Block him immediately change numbers if you have to. If he won’t leave your house call the police he is trespassing. Maybe find a guy friend or co-worker to come to the house when he’s there (doesn’t have to be a guy you’re into just a guy- that might make him see you are so over his bullshit) 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  Sci-Fi-Chic.
Post # 12
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

louiseey:  I would speak with him and let him know that the next time he shows up anywhere, you will be calling the police. And then DO IT. He is stalking you and that can get creepy and weird QUICKLY. I would not be comfortable with him showing up to my workplace and to my home.

Where do you work? Is it a public place or an office building? If it’s an office building, I would alert security and ask if anyone sees him to please call security and/or the police. 

Post # 13
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

I had a friend go through the exact same thing with an ex-fiancé. He ended it with her because he was cheating on Her and wanted to be with the side chick instead. 

It sucked for her but she eventually was able to get back on her feet and move on ans he went full blown stalker on her. He started leaving gifts on her door step, at work, she changed her number twice and he still found it. He went as far as going to her MECHANIC and asking him if she was still bringing her car in and still driving the same car. 

She was granted an order of protection, but that was only after her step dad, who is a cop, pulled a gun on him for showing up to their house at 2 am causing some dramatic scene on their drive way. 

Please please please don’t take this lightly. 

Post # 14
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee

louiseey:  sounds a little like my loser ex.

he broke up with me once and it broke my heart. He wouldnt open his door, he just told me to leave and that we were done. I was picking him up for a trip to a theme park!

I was shattered but tried to distance myself. he, of course, reached out a few days later because he wanted to be friends. I followed the same silly path that you are, allowed us to hang out/ hook up etc. I hated being in limbo, but when he decided he wanted to get back together, i wasnt ready. we tried it and it was such a huge mess. there was so much anger and resentment and hurt that we couldnt recover from. Even though i was trying…he cheated! I found the texts and when i broke up with him he had the balls to chase me around for 6 months cyber/phone stalking me saying how much he loved me bla bla. 

I dont know why some guys are like this. They just like to have their cake and eat it too. 

if he wanted to be with you, he would. 

Post # 15
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Some people are like that… He doesn’t want you but doesn’t want you to move on. He’s doing this to stay on your mind for as long as possible. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

I actually just read an article the other day written by an advice columnist (don’t remember who, unfortunately) who said that in their experience women fixate on controlling the future while men fixate on the past and “what might have been”. I think that a lot of guys behave like your ex for that reason. To keep you on the line and wanting more in case he wants your attention later. You deserve better!

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