(Closed) Help w my lesbian wedding and the mob terminal cancer

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

hopefull09 – My mom has terminal cancer too.  It’s tough, I know.  The best thing that you can do for your fiance is just to be there – support her.  I know its tough on you too – nothing is worse than watching the one you love be miserable.

One thing to remember… that no matter what – she is still your fiance’s mother.  Someone that gave birth and raised the woman that you love.  Love her and see through this disagreement.

Post # 18
Member
6116 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

We cancelled our wedding due to my father’s terminal cancer.  He passed away a month before the would be wedding. 

While I didn’t have the same opposition for the wedding itself, it just helps to deal with one big life event at a time and separtely, if there is any chance of overlap.  Or do it quickly before things get worse helath wise.  I’d probably wait until after then there’s no verbal opposition to ruin your day.

Post # 19
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry for what you and your Girlfriend are going through, OP.  Losing a parent to cancer is hard enough without having to deal with all the conflicting emotions of the parent’s homophobia.

All you can do, and this is so hard, is support your partner in the way that’s best for her. And when that starts taking a toll, find someone (a friend, a therapist, whoever) who you can support you as you support her.

Post # 20
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Dying of cancer doesn’t give you a free pass to be a bigot.  I wouldn’t respect the wishes of someone who would try to poison my relationships by leveraging one’s love for their mother against their sexual orientation.

I totally understand where you’re coming from, but sometimes life and human relationships (particularly family) are more complicated than that.

Post # 22
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@hopefull09:  I think the best thing to do is say to her, “What can I do?” and if she cannot articulate what she needs, try to read her actions.  Tell your son that things are rough for C right now, and that she needs extra love.  I am so sorry they and you are going through this!!  

 

Post # 23
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

God, I’m so sorry.

Regarding your son, I think it makes sense to explain to him what’s going on (at an age-appropriate level). Tell him that C is feeling very sad about her mom’s health, and that if she isn’t as happy/fun with him as she normally is, it’s not his fault and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him to pieces. Don’t tell him to leave her alone unless she’s said that she needs it.

As for what you can do to help – just hang in there. Be her rock. Keep things as normal as possible for your son and for her.  As long as she doesn’t turn to anything destructive (drinking, drugs, cutting, etc.), let her handle it in whatever way is best for her.  It makes such a difference in a time of crisis to have a partner who can stay calm and strong when you feel like your world is crumbling.

Post # 24
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hi Hopeful, I’m sorry to hear that you and your Fiance are going through this…it’s very hard…if I were in your position, I would definitely defer to my FI’s wishes….maybe her mother’s death will cause her to have doubts about your relationship, wedding ceremony ,etc….she really needs time and a good therapist (I’ve been recommending that a lot lately today! 🙁  but it’s true!) to help her sort through her emotions. I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to move forward….I would too if I were in your shoes…but like you said, you have a support structure in place, and you have never lost someone like this before…plus I’m assuming your less religious than your Fiance (I might be wrong) so that whole heaven/hell thing is not weighing on your head. Give your Fiance time and just be patient and understanding. She obviously loves you enough to want to get married to you and spend the rest of her life with you, love her enough back to let her know that you will be there for her and support her regardless of her decision.

I really hope she is able to heal soon and reconcile her beliefs. I have a friend and his family is VERRRRRRRRRY fundamentalist christian…to the point where his mom is praising Jesus every 5 minutes…no joke. Happily, his family did not out and out disown him when he came out to them…they are even starting to accept his boyfriend in their very slow, but sure way. I’m sorry that your FI’s family couldn’t accept her the way she deserved. It’s really their failing and not hers or your’s….it will just take your Fiance some time to understand that.

Post # 25
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
@honeybee1999:  I’m not a believer, but I understand where you are coming from. I wish more Christians were more like you. My Fiance is very catholic and will say ugly things about gay folks then use his religion to try and justify that bigotry and yet, here he is drinking, gambling, having pre marital sex and some how that is no big deal. (don’t worry, he’s gotten a LOT better since we’ve been together and he knows that thinking/behavior will not be welcome when we have kids). Any ways, I just think it’s nice when Christians realize that according to their dogma, they are *all* sinners, and it’s their God’s job to judge and not one another’s.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread!

Post # 27
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@hopefull09:  i’m sorry to hear of your loss, my mom died of the same horrible disease.  I’m glad to see that you and C are moving forward with your lives.  Everyday that passes you will both heal a bit more until you are able to experience real joy in life again, but healing does take time.

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