(Closed) Help w/ Rehearsal Dinner and FMIL

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Meg, this may not be the answer you want, but I don’t find it ridiculous at all.  In fact, what you’re describing is pretty typical of the RDs I’ve been to in the past few years.  It’s great for Out of Town guests to be able to join in the festivities, since they’ve had to travel to a place that may not be familiar to them, and inviting family members is not at all unusual.

My own opinion is that the Rehearsal Dinner is your Future Mother-In-Law and FFIL’s show, and as long as they include the obvious people (your parents and the wedding party) they can invite whomever they please.  I would just let this go; there really is no gracious way to say to your Future Mother-In-Law "I hate the party you’re planning, change it."  No matter how large it is, it won’t overshadow your reception.  And remember, a lot of people may turn down the Rehearsal Dinner invitation because they won’t get to town in time or because they don’t feel like doing two events in one weekend.  The ceremony and reception are still the main event!

Post # 4
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hmm. Well, it’s pretty common these days to invite a lot of out-of-town guests to something the night before the wedding. It’s viewed as a chance for everybody to meet and hang out before the actual reception, and it’s a good way for your guests to get to know each other beforehand. However, with that many people, it’s usually a very casual affair that wouldn’t compete with your wedding at all.

Maybe you could suggest doing a smaller rehearsal dinner just for the wedding party et al., then a more informal "after party" where *all* Out of Town guests are invited? People could gather for drinks and snacks. 

ETA: And instead of viewing it as competing with your wedding, try viewing it this way: It seems very lucky (to me) that you’ve got in-laws so willing to splurge and celebrate your union, and who have the means to be such generous hosts to all of your guests!

Post # 5
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

MelissaB, I totallly agree with you.  I feel that the Out of Town guests SHOULD be a part of the Rehearsal Dinner, as they have traveled for this ceremony…and why not make them feel more comfortable by inviting them to the Rehearsal Dinner. 🙂

My Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law are hosting the gig…so they can invite whoever they want! ..Now, if they were making MY list limited as to who I could invite because they were inviting THIER friends…then I would be alittle upset. 🙂

 Good Luck. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m having a semi-destination wedding and our Rehearsal/Welcome BBQ will have 100 guests.  The actual wedding the next day will have 130 guests.  I do think it’s a little over the top, but I’m excited about it because it’s an opportunity to spend more time with our out of town guests.

So, if you’re not wanting a big rehearsal dinner because you think it’s ‘ridiculous’ I don’t think you have to worry.  Everyone will have fun.

If you’re not wanting the big rehearsal because it will insult your parents- have you actually asked their opinion?   The rehearsal is supposed to be the groom’s parents chance to host something.  I SERIOUSLY doubt your Mother-In-Law is capable of planning something that would compare to the time/money/effort you and your parents are putting into the actual wedding reception.  So I wouldn’t worry about that either.

Now, if you’re not wanting the big rehearsal because you don’t want a big rehearsal and want something small- that you can worry about!

I had the opposite problem of you- in that I was looking forward to the big welcome BBQ and my Future Mother-In-Law wanted the small intimate gathering of just immediate family and bridal party.  We compromised and are having a small ‘cocktail hour’ type gathering hosted by Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law before heading to the big BBQ.

Can you do a similar compromise?  Have a small intimate cocktail hour and then the big rehearsal?  Or maybe have a small dinner and then invite all the out of towners for drinks and dessert?

Post # 7
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

We’re inviting everyone to our rehearsal dinner as well, since most are coming from out of town. 

I wouldn’t worry about it overshadowing the wedding, just keep it casual.  A BBQ maybe? 

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

We not only invited all the Out of Town guests to the Rehearsal Dinner (which was held in a private room at a nice restaurant) but we also had them to a backyard BBQ the evening before that!  It was wonderful, because otherwise we would really have gotten to spend almost no time with the friends and family who had travelled hundreds (in some cases thousands) of miles to be there for the wedding.  Unless your Future Mother-In-Law is trying to "outdo" the reception somehow – for instance, making the Rehearsal Dinner much more formal, spending a lot more money per person on food, hiring a band and having dancing until the wee hours of the morning, etc there is no way it is going to take away from the wedding reception, or be some kind of insult to your parents. 

We paid for our own Rehearsal Dinner, as DH’s family was stunned at the idea of having anyone other than immediate family.  But I felt that, as much as I love my family, I see them all the time!  I had cousins and friends coming from Out of Town that I see maybe once a year, and who literally spent upwards of $1000 to be there (including airfare and hotel for several nights – more if you count the time they had to take off work) so I thought the least we could do was to feed them an extra evening or two.  Plus you really get to spend so little time with your guests at the actual wedding and reception.  I think that in the end you’ll be glad to have that additional evening with everybody.

Post # 11
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

@ meggy:

That really stinks.  I can’t really think of any solution that wouldn’t jeopardize your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law.

If the venue isn’t booked yet, perhaps you could compromise somehow to make it more causal and low-key?

How does your Fiance feel?  If you are going to talk to your Future Mother-In-Law I definitely think that you and your Fiance should agree and present it as a united front.  You don’t want to be accused of being a Bridezilla (which seems to happen every time a bride expresses a contrary opinion).  In my situation, I had my Fiance do most of the talking for that reason.

Perhaps amysue’s suggestion of a small dinner followed by a large afterparty could work- then you could duck out early?

Post # 13
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

This may seem like a random question, Meg, but does your Future Mother-In-Law have any daughters?  If so, are they married or single?  I ask because if she hasn’t had a chance to be "mother of the bride," that might help explain why this Rehearsal Dinner is such a big deal to her.

I can see why you’re feeling annoyed that she’s using the Rehearsal Dinner as an excuse to show off how "classy" she is, but I really do think you’re better off letting this go.  This is clearly important to her and putting up a fuss will just mean lots of extra drama and hurt feelings.  What does your Fiance say?

Post # 15
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I understand your concern, but there is very little you can do about it. CHalk it up to a whirlwind wedding weekend. Perhaps you can have a small lunch with your wedding party earlier on the day of the Rehearsal Dinner, or the day before?

As much as you are dreading this now, I think you will probably wind up having a great time. So many brides say they wished they had more time to spend with their out of town guests on the day of their wedding, and you’re being given the opportunity to have a whole extra night with them. Just enjoy. 

The topic ‘Help w/ Rehearsal Dinner and FMIL’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors