(Closed) HELP! When do you know to call it off?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

If you aren’t happy, then that’s a good time to call it off. I know that you own a house together, and it’s going to get very messy if you do call off the wedding and break up, but people have done that before. It’s better to know now that it isn’t right than after you’re married.

There was something about my ex that I knew just wasn’t right. We had been together for 3 years, and I just wasn’t happy anymore. I knew he loved me, but he was drowning and pulling me down with him. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I knew he wanted to get engaged, and so I broke it off with him. Thank goodness too…b/c I would be miserable had I married him!

You need to take a step back from your relationship (and take the other guy completely out of the equation) and ask yourself if you will be happy with him for the rest of your life. If the answer is no…then you need to call off the wedding for both of your sakes.

Post # 4
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you shoudl talk to your Fiance and see if you can feel better about your decision.  Do you even know if this other guy is interested in you? I mean didn’t you say he started a relationship with someone else AFTER your first date?  Do you even know this guy well enough to know he’s a better fit?

Post # 5
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

You get to do this whole “being alive” thing exactly once.

Will it be messy if you decide to call it off?  Yes.  Will there be anger and recrimination and guilt?  Yes.

But those things will pass.  The misery of being married to someone you actively dislike and don’t respect can last a lot longer.

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@teaadntoast: Completely agree.  You only live once, why not spend your life with a supportive, flexible, wonderful guy?  I couldn’t believe some of the stuff that I was reading in your OP.  HEALHY Relationships require the give and take of both people, and if he’s not willing to budge on really important topics such as your career, where you live, etc. then he’s not doing the best he can as a partner.  I think it’s downright manipulative to tell you what you can and cannot do, and if you take a stand for yourself he belittles you.  He’s also manipulating you by playing the martyr when it comes to your student loans.

It might be tough, embarrassing, and costly to call off the wedding, but I think it’s much better to do it now that to go through a messy divorce.  If he’s not budging now, he’s DEFINITELY not budging when it comes to divorce proceedings.  Get out now!!

Post # 7
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@GoldfishPie: Good point!  Spoken far better than my comment. 

Post # 8
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Hi – a couple of observations:

 

– The stuff about the suit: my Fiance and I had some similar fights, and they got kinda mean when we were having them, but neither of us was considering leaving the othe person over it. Living with another person – and having to make compromises with another opinionated person – can make you very angry with that other person sometimes. I don’t think that fight alone – or fights like it – would be grounds for ending things. (I also think it’s pretty normal to develop little crushes on other people from time to time, like your college friend, or to have moments of wondering what it would be like to be with someone else. Again, not necessarily grounds for ending things; just normal life, I think.)

– That said – it sounds like you’re unhappy in a more fundamental way with your fiance. It sounds as if you feel that you have deeper problems – ones that aren’t normal little flare-ups, like fighting about clothes, but ones that really touch at your lives together and if those lives will be happy. If you feel like being with him is going to make your life worse rather than making it better, I think that’s a good reason to end things.

I don’t know if you listen to Dan Savage’s excellent podcast – http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLovePodcast/Page/ – but he has very wise and thoughtful (and open-minded) things to say about love and relationships. Listening to some of his podcasts might help you figure out what you want to do. Or try calling your problem into his podcast and see what he says.

Best of luck – this sounds tough, and like you have some big decisions to make, but you’ll get through it.

Post # 9
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It sounds like you aren’t fulfilled in this relationship, and he’s not going to change his behaviors/outlook, so you have to decide, are you really willing to change your goals and desires to fit into this life?  I’m not dogging on your fiance, saying he’s wrong or you’re wrong.  Maybe you’re both right, but not right together? 

Take the college friend out of the equation altogether.  Now imagine….are you content to continue the life you’re living right now…forever?  If it’s a struggle and you find yourself WORKING to just LIKE being in this relationship more often than not, then it’s probably not right.  I don’t enjoy every minute of life I live with my fiance, but the moments that aren’t enjoyable, we talk about and work on and they’re totally outshined by the ones that are good to the point that I really couldn’t tell you what the last thing we argued over was.

Post # 10
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

“You get to do this whole “being alive” thing exactly once.”

THIS!  So true.

Post # 11
Member
5179 posts
Bee Keeper

it sounds like you are forcing yourself to be with this guy…. If you are not happy, that is your heart telling you to stop or to change something. I think you already know the answer to this one dear..

Post # 12
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I knew it was time to break up with my ex when I realized I needed a pep talk every morning to get through the day…telling myself “it’s okay, you can live like this…”

Post # 13
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you already know the answer to this.  You can break up now or get a divorce later…..consider yourself lucky that you are coming to terms with this now and not in a few years’ time….HUGS….

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think as soon as you ask yourself “when should I call it off?”, you should call it off the VERY NEXT SECOND.  Seriously.  If it was right you would never even question going through with this or when a good time is to end things.  Free yourself from this as soon as humanly possible so you can then begin the healing/recovery process and eventually move on with your life. 

 

There’s no time like the present. Don’t drag this on a milisecond longer than you have to.

Good luck to you!

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think as soon as you ask yourself “when should I call it off?”, you should call it off the VERY NEXT SECOND.  Seriously.  If it was right you would never even question going through with this or when a good time is to end things.  Free yourself from this as soon as humanly possible so you can then begin the healing/recovery process and eventually move on with your life. 

 

There’s no time like the present. Don’t drag this on a milisecond longer than you have to.

Good luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
5985 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

you only live once and you need to be happy. if you dont truly love him you need to let him go. you already tried counseling so I think this thing is over. Also, I have to ask..did he know that you met up with this other guy? 

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