(Closed) HELP who walks me down?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

yikes, that is tough!  I think a daughter’s wedding day is so important to a dad that it might break either one’s heart if they were overlooked.  Are you comfortable having them both walk you down? I think that would be so lovely and make them both feel great.  I bet your real dad would feel so honored and special if you included him that way.

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Both!  Who says only one person can walk you down?  They are equally important to you.

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Then you have to weight hurting him/others vs. your feelings of what is "right".  That is something only you can decide!  I would venture to guess that your real father wishes he could have been there for those things, and the fact that your stepfather was and he wasn’t was hard for him.  Plus if he is trying to be more involved in your life now, this is a wondeful way to help open the door for a closer relationship.  Although I totally agree that you ultimately need to do what is right, I think our weddings are also a great time to honor those we love and that love us (including your grandmother and others who will feel honored by your real dad having this special role).

 And one other thing to keep in mind – a good friend of mine never knew her father and never had a stepfather – so she had no one to walk her down the aisle (believe it or not her uncle refused! and her mom didn’t even show up) how great that you have two men you consider your father who are there for you on your special day…..

Post # 7
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Is there some way you can include them both but still honor the special role you feel that your step dad has played?  Like maybe have them both walk you down but (assuming you’ll have soemthing like this in your ceremony) when the officiant asks "who gives this woman" it can be your stepdad?  I can’t think of too many other ways to do this, but perhaps you can think of something else that’ll fit in your ceremony?

Ultimately it sounds to me that regardless of biology you feel like it’s your stepdad who has been your "father".  And while your real dad has been a part of your life, not in a way that makes you feel that he’s the one you want escorting you into marriage. It doesn’t seem fair for other family members to take that away from you by threatening you.  I think that you might politely make it clear to those relatives that if your real dad is more important to them than your happiness, maybe it’s not so important to you that they be a part of your wedding.  Please don’t betray your own feelings b/c someone else is bullying you.  This is the beginning of a new stage of your life, and you get to decide how you want to include the people you love in it.

OTOH, if your dad has recently become more involved in your life you might regret not finding some way to include him. I definitely don’t think you’re a bad person for feeling that it’s your stepdad who you want to play the traditional role of father in your wedding  But is there anything else that might give him a special role?

Post # 9
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Hmmm… its always so hard when we realize that the decisions we make for our wedding day might hurt someone’s feelings. And its also hard to take everyone’s thoughts and feelings into consideration when making these decisions.

You mentioned that you have a good relationship with your real father… perhaps he wasn’t there for all of the proms & first dates because he wasn’t in the same location as you & wasn’t physically able to be there. The fact that he has really been there in the last year makes me think that he is really making an effort in this relationship. It would be wonderful for you to have two dads… what a lucky thing to have!

Perhaps your real father could walk you down the first half of the aisle- this would allow him to do the "fatherly" duty, get pictures, etc. And then your step dad could take you down the second part of the aisle until you  meet up with your Fiance. This might be a good compromise- your family would be happy that your real dad is included. You would get to walk with both of them, separately, giving them each their own moment. 

 Let us know what you decide to do! 

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Bwhitehurst – I think as long as you decide what you want to do – and don’t just do it to give in to the pressure – you will be very happy with your decision!  I think you came up with a lovely solution that makes everyone happy but gives your stepfather a special role (first dance).  Keep us updated on how it all goes!  When is the wedding?

It does remind me of an early Friends episode where Ross and his wife and her partner were arguing over who does what with the baby, and then Pheobe said something about how lucky the baby was to have 3 parents fighting to love him the best when she could barely ever find one!! 

Post # 13
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

It sounds like you’ve got some good solutions, Bwhitehurst, that will keep everyone happy and feeling special! Good luck!

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