(Closed) Help with a guest list for a small wedding

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ellely :  It’s not weird to have different numbers on each side. If he is ok with you inviting your friends, donlt invent a problem where none exists. Each of you invite those you want at the wedding.

Post # 3
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

1. No

2. No, and don’t manufacture roles. 

3. Absolutely not kosher. Relationships must be acknowledged and honored as you ask them to come and honor your union. 

Post # 4
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

ellely :   Please don’t reduce your guests to either a side or a statistic.  If you and/or your Fiance want someone at your wedding, add them to the guest list.  It is their presence that matters, not how many on one side or another.

At our wedding DH’s family vastly outnumbered my friends and family.  It didn’t matter a bit!  I doubt anyone would have known anyway!

Post # 5
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

1. Not weird at all to have different numbered sides

2. Only if those friends offer of their own free will. Otherwise, do not make your guests “work” at the wedding or invent roles for them.

3. Absolutely not ok. 

Post # 6
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

1. No.

2. Only ask people to have roles in your wedding if it’s really meaningful to you to have them perform those roles. Don’t do it to justify your guest list.

3. Etiquette says this is okay, but most people will not be thrilled to hear their partners are not invited to a wedding with them. Tread carefully and pick your battles.

Post # 7
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

peridot456 :  older etiquette said that that was ok (I definitely remember reading many years ago about the no ring no bring rule), but it is no longer ok. ALL significant others, regardless of length of relationship or legal status, should be invited. If that person considers themself to be in a relationship, then they should be invited. Honour other people’s relationships just like you are asking them to honour yours. 

Post # 8
Member
43 posts
Newbee

I’m only going to comment on number 3, because that’s what we are doing. We are having an incredibly small, intimate ceremony with only immediate family and very close friends (all of whom could be in the wedding party, if we were having one!). I would say it very much depends on your audience/intended guest list. Only our close friends and family are invited, so they 100% understand that we are only inviting couples if they are a ‘social unit’, meaning married or engaged. There had to be a cutoff point somewhere and engagement/marriage was the most objective one for us, so I say it’s fine! I know some US Bees disagree though…

Post # 9
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ocienna :  that’s rude. A social unit should be a couple in a relationship, not just your cut off. I totally understand not inviting someone’s casual not serious yet relationship, but if someone is serious enough to call them their boyfriend/girlfriend, they should be invited. And if I was your friend and this was before I got engaged, I would probably tell you to your face that I was fine with it too. But internally I’d be upset that you ask me to honour your relationship but don’t care about mine. Id be upset that I’ll have to spend the whole night seeing couples in love but can’t experience that with my SO. Do what you want, but just be aware that some people might not be as happy about it as you think. 

Post # 10
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

1. We invited 50 people to our wedding. He invited 25 and I invited 25. 

2. I would never ask friends to “work” my wedding. We hired all our vendors. 

3. Not acceptable – we invited everyone with a plus one in mind. 

 

Post # 11
Member
43 posts
Newbee

chocochai :  Thanks for your input, but one of the perks of having a very small destination wedding with immediate family and friends only is that they are all our best friends and totally honest with us – not to mention that they all know each other so don’t need to bring plus ones as a comfort blanket. We are asking our friends to come and celebrate our marriage IF they choose to do so, just as we will honour theirs if and when they get married – we will not be offended if they choose not to attend due to our plus one policy.

I understand that some members of the Bee see this as a massive faux pas, but I do think this varies by country and also by just the norms of your social group . For example, literally every wedding I have attended has been solo until Fiance and I got engaged – and we were together for over 5 years before we got engaged! Neither of us were remotely offended – if anything, we found it awkward to know that one of us was just a mandatory tag along, and not really wanted there!

As an aside, I flew out for a destination wedding by myself for one of my friend’s weddings last year, and I have no regrets – I put any selfishness aside, respected their guest list restraints and showed up to celebrate THEM and THEIR union 🙂 Oh, and I had a great time! 

Post # 12
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

1 – No, it’s won’t be wierd. It’s only 4 guests and it’s not like people will be walking around with tags thats say “team bride” and “team groom”. It’s just a group of people and they are ALL their to celebrate you as a couple.

2 – It’s not wierd in the first place so not really. But if you and your Fiance would like to have your friends involved in the ceremony that’s cool.

3 – Nope. That’s super shitty. Especially if you are just doing it to even the numbers.

 

Post # 13
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

ocienna :  None of my guests’ SOs were thought of as a mandatory tag along or not wanted there. I was thrilled to be able to make my guests happy by inviting their SOs. And several of my guests made a point of thanking me for including their SO.

Post # 14
Member
43 posts
Newbee

hikingbride :  I’m glad that approach worked out for you, your guests and your budget! 🙂 Our approach works for us too, so maybe we can agree to disagree. Every couple, every friend group and every wedding is different after all 🙂

Post # 15
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ocienna :  ugh. It’s a destination wedding too? So you are asking people to take vacation time and spend a lot of money to travel and their significant others can’t even come along? “Hey loved one, please spend a bunch of time and money to celebrate with me and use up vacation time but don’t bring along your boyfriend whom you love Mmmkay?” Brutal. I’m glad people seem to be happy for you and are still willing to come. *shrugs* I’m not invited so it doesn’t matter to me but that really sucks. 

FYI, I really don’t think you should refer to a SO as a security blanket. Definitely a pretty insulting description and I doubt you would appreciate if someone called your SO a security blanket. I happen to enjoy being with him and like his company when he’s around. I’m assuming you are the same way since you are also getting married to yours. 

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