(Closed) help with a moh

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

First, take a deep breath.


Ok, step back and look at the big picture.  You are engaged and planning a wedding, which requires a lot of "me" time.

She is pregnant and planning a future for three, which requires a lot of "me" time.

You feel that you are investing in her life and new excitment and not getting anything back, right?  The first thing to do is to talk to her face to face.  You both need to put it out on the table so that you can figure out what’s wrong.  She may not notice she’s being selfish.  Brides are usually the ones accused of being selfish, but when you’re pregnant it’s the same feeling of "now it’s all about me."  So talk to her, try to sort it out before you demote her.  I’ve never heard of that going well and no matter how much you don’t want to really hurt her feelings (since you still want her to be a BM) it will still kill the friendship.  So I’d recommend mending things and going forward.

Also, I’d establish a "No Wedding Wednesdays" rule and a "No Baby Wednesdays" rule where you guys can talk to each other about anything but the wedding or the baby.  You need a way to keep the relationship strong, and obviously you’re both very stressed.  Maybe having a chance to just be will help you.

Post # 4
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

This is the exact issue I had with my Maid/Matron of Honor.  My advice is to talk to her and let her know that you are excited for her, but that you are focused on your wedding now and apologize for not seeming as excited as she thinks you should be, but that it is a two way street.

I also suggest that you have your other moh plan your bridal shower and/or bachelorette.  As my moh suddenly was not interested in planning mine after her pregnancy and I ended up having to plan my own bachelorette.  (which was nothing compared to her calling my seamstress and having the bustle on my dress changed without telling me so it would be easier for her to bustle!)

I apologize if I offend anyone, but I learned the hard way that prego bm’s act selfish, moody, and crazy and it is a very difficult thing to balance when you are going through the stress of weddingplanning. 

I think MightySapphire has given excellent advice — just tread lightly. 

Post # 5
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Now that she’s pregnant she’s probably not ever going to be the kind of Maid/Matron of Honor you envisioned in terms of putting in the time. But luckily you have another girl to help you out, and I think you should lean on her and your other BMs too during your wedding planning. I thought MightySapphire gave great advice about reconnecting and keeping your relationship alive outside of weddings and babies.

As to demoting her, that would probably serve only to hurt her feelings. She is already not going to be as involved as you wanted…there’s only so much you can do, unfortunately. You’ve told her the way you feel already. In a way, she has already been demoted in practice: she has demoted herself through her behavior.

But I think demoting her in name would risk a huge fight and threaten your friendship. Your friendship would probably be better off in the long run if you tried to salvage your non-wedding/baby relationship. If you have already more or less accepted that this is how she’s going to be, then why does it matter what title goes next to her name in the program? I know it’s stressful but try to remember that just as the bigger picture to the wedding is your marriage, the bigger one for being a Maid/Matron of Honor or pregnant is your friendship. Good luck 🙂

Post # 6
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’d tread veryveryvery carefully here.  In answer to your question is that wrong… yes.  It is.  The fact of the matter is our weddings are only one day (assuming it’s an American wedding).  Her baby is 18 years, at least.  She has much bigger things on her mind than parties.  I think that it would probably ruin your relationship if you demoted her, because this would be the final straw in the ‘you don’t support me’ line of thought.

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