(Closed) help with a shambles of a marriage

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I think it’s time to at least try a trial separation.  This sounds like an awful environment to live in and the stress of dealing with it while pregnant must be even worse.

Start thinking about ways you would handle a divorce.  You say you don’t want to pay his way anymore, but he may be entitled to alimony.  Also, if he’s been the stay at home parent is he expecting primary custody?  Are you expecting him to have that?  How about custody of the new baby.

I’m not going to get into the right and wrongs about the funeral and the certificate and all of that.  It’s all a convoluted mess, and it just sounds like the two of you cannot communicate effectively and probably don’t really like each other very much.  I might be wrong, but that’s the vibe I’m getting.

It may be worthwhile to try to save your marriage, but I think it would be a good idea to at least start making backup plans now.

Post # 3
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

1. Your in-laws just aren’t that into you. Drop the rope and stop chasing them.

2. Your husband is a disgusting excuse for a man. He is emotionally abusing you, do you realize this?

3. Take your child and go. Get your ducks in a row and immediately call a divorce lawyer for legal assistance. 

Post # 4
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

siara99 :  It sounds like you need individual counseling and couple’s counseling. You have got to learn how to move on from conflicts. And your relationship seems to be filled with miscommunications (possibly from cultural differences?) that need to be addressed by a therapist. 

You don’t divorce someone because you’re angry their parents didn’t email you years ago (also, did you bother to email them?). You clearly only see them a couple of times a year. Thats hardly worth divorcing over. You have to learn how to cope with things and move on. The solution is to get therapy so you can move on from being angry with them.

I don’t know what culture you’re from or how you typically deal with death, but it was incredibly rude of you to complain to your husband about his family on the day of a funeral. He was grieving. Of course he was mad when you chose to hurt him more. I feel so upset for him that you acted that way! You sound very immature. It’s time to move on from your anger at his family so you can support your partner. 

Agree to therapy. And give back the marriage license. Just because he doesn’t have access to a paper does not mean he can’t divorce you. Hiding documents is another example of immaturity. You need to go to therapy and work on yourself. And you both need to work on communicating, and learn to handle disagreements. Therapy can help him communicate more thoughtfully without getting so angry, and it can help you learn to cope with things.

Apologize for what you said about his family. They were grieving. You don’t insult someone who is grieving. After you apologize, agree to therapy. 

Or go ahead and get a divorce. But you need to realize that therapy can help you, so that your next relationship can be healthier.

Post # 5
Member
8954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

I gotta say, I don’t think the day of a funeral for one of his family members is the day that to bring up things that happened years ago you’re still holding a grudge for. Better times, better places. You weren’t going to the funeral for his family, you were going to support your husband who had just lost someone he loved. 

On the bright side, it seems like none of you like each other including you/your husband so a divorce should be a breath of fresh air for everyone.

Post # 6
Member
3556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I don’t know where you are but some states won’t let divorce until the baby is born. So, consider therapy at least so you and your husband can learn heathy communication techniques for your eventual divorce. I want you to know that holding grudges will make everything difficult for you in your future relationships as well so you do need learn when things aren’t worth holding in to & let some things go. 

 

Best of luck.

Post # 7
Member
8465 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle

I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult time. However, I do agree with Slowmotion that the funeral was not the time to bring up your resentment. It sounds like neither of you know how to fight fair (you bringing up resentment during a funeral/when your husband is most vulnerable and him threatening to take your daughter from you).

This absolutely cannot be healthy for your baby, nor for your daughter to witness such bitterness. Your marriage seems very toxic. Perhaps you bringing it up during a time of vulnerability for your husband was some kind of survival mode instinct kicking in as you knew this would push you both over the edge to end the relationship. 

IF you think the relationship is salvagable (and that’s a big “if”), then by all means try counseling so you can both learn how to fight fair and get over past resentments. If you’ve mentally checked out, I think you should seek a divorce attorney immediately and get yourself and your daughter someplace safe.

Post # 8
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

siara99 :  

From someone who also has in law problems, I hear you. I live far away though so I don’t have to deal with it being in my face the way you do. How do they treat your husband, they must see him from time to time?

I agree the funeral was the wrong time to voice your feelings. Selfish, even, because none of that was about you regardless of what you think you’re entitled to say.

You both fight dirty and have no boundaries in an argument. Saying he will cut up important documents and take the children from you is extremely dirty. From an outsider’s perspective, he sounds childish, and you sound negative and bitter because of how his family has treated you and your daughter. I don’t blame you for that, especially with your child. My mother in law forgets my 2nd child’s birthday every year and I’m so done with her. She plays major favorites with her other grandchild. I loathe the woman but I do not fight woth my husband about her anymore because it was hurting my marriage in a major way. We don’t see her, and she lets her true colors shine all on her own and he has realized this.

It sounds like you are done with this marriage because you don’t even want to try counseling. If you do want to try,  it’s going to be a lot of work. No matter what you decide, your 4 year old and your unborn baby deserve a home that is not riddled in such chaos with fighting and negativity. Life is hard enough. Separate and happy is better than together and miserable. But stop fighting so dirty with eachother… all it says is that you have no respect for one another and you have to at least coparent.

Post # 9
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Before couple’s counseling, try individual counseling to sort out why you feel the way you do, what you really want, and why you focus on things that you can’t change. If it’s too expensive to go in person, then try an online one. It’s better than nothing. 

Post # 10
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

siara99 :  everything else aside, kinda low for you to make the funeral about you.

Post # 11
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

The funeral is not the time or the place to bring up that kind of negativity.  Nerves are raw and people are on edge with their grief. You as an adult should have known better than to pick a fight with your husband that day.

Anyways….Sorry, but how you explained this story doesn’t make you sound 100% innocent in all of this. Please let me explain as I grew up in a similar environment.

It sounds like there are some deep communication issues all around. I think you need to focus on yourself and your children and your communication with your husband. Stop caring so much about the in laws. When you see them you see them. Be polite, but dont expect much else, regardless of the fact that they live nearby.

I grew up in a similar situation where my moms side was close but my dad side were virtual strangers (despite living in the same town as us) yet my dad had blind loyalty to them that would surface usually in odd crisis moments (like funerals). The best thing my mother did (admittedly later into my teens) was stop chasing them. When we saw them once or twice a year the conversation was only small talk and nothing more expected. No arguments. No insults. No frowny faces at family events. Over time, my dad naturally also pulled away from them too bc they just weren’t genuine towards us and he realized it on his own timeline. (Admittedly I wish it was quicker than that, but he’s human too.)

What my point is…dont add fuel to the fire. Let them be miserable. Let them be petty. Be polite, but dont chase them. It will be tough, I admit, but it will be a more stable way of interpersonal relationships than how it’s going now, and with two kids, you need to look out for their emotional development as well.

Had my mom early on had a more “whatever, their loss” attitude,  I think it would have been better for us growing up bc we wouldn’t be questioning why they didn’t want to be around us when all our other family did. I urge you to take charge of the situation in this way.

Let the emotions cool down for a bit. Funerals tend to upset people a lot without them realizing it. Then, move forward with a new outlook and plan on how to deal with them when, and if, you do see them.

Post # 12
Member
3821 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You’re both behaving poorly, and setting an atrocious example for your child. Why on Earth would you WANT to stay in this?

Post # 14
Member
8954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

You should not have brought it up when his family member had just passed. Not at the funeral, not the day before and not the day after.

Thats just common respect and decency for your partner. 

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