(Closed) Help with bridesmaid troubles!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
2318 posts
Buzzing bee

Do you have a reason other than numbers why you do not want your other sister and your Fis Sisters in the bridal party?  They sound very supportive. I would make it work with all of them

Post # 3
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

this is going to sound kind of harsh but I think how you are choosing them is wrong. With 2 sisters of your own and 4 sisters of his own I think that you should include them all or none of them. I think it would be VERY hurtful any way you tell some of the sisters they aren’t included while their other sisters are. You dont want to start the marriage off on the wrong foot with his family….

Post # 4
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Number is not the way to go about this. I was going to have 5 because Fiance will have 5 groomsmen, but that would have left out one friend who I’d still have asked to get ready with me and do other stuff with anyway – it would have been weird.

Do whatever FEELS right to you, but don’t pick based on numbers.

Post # 5
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Have your 2 sisters be bridesmaids  (the one closets as Maid of honor) and the other 4 can do readings, etc. What kind of ceremony is it?

Post # 8
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

amgarcia217:  I’m afraid I really don’t have any helpful advice, but I strongly agree with PPs that inviting only two of your four FSILs is not a good option. No matter what reasons you use to justify/explain it, or how understanding they are, it is almost certain to cause some hurt feelings. 

I understand why you are asking only one of your own sisters to be in your wedding party in this situation, but I think with your FSILs you should treat it as an all or nothing type of set-up. 

Would you consider asking your older sister to do a reading during the ceremony? It wouldn’t be the same as asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (i.e. she couldn’t cause massive drama over dresses etc.) but would have her involved enough so that her feelings would likely be spared if you asked the 4 FSILs to be BMs. 

Alternatively, you could not ask any of the FSILs and potentially ask another friend to be in the party to prevent the sides from being too uneven (although uneven sides is totally fine). In this situation, you’d just have to be really honest with the FSILs and say that as much as you value your relationship with them and are so excited to officially be joining their family, you’d always pictured having a small bridal party and have a complicated situation with your own siblings that has made your decision even harder. 

I honestly don’t know what I’d do, but I’d definitely try just about anything other than splitting the FSILs. Good luck!!

Post # 10
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

amgarcia217:  if you like them and money isn’t an issue have all of them and tell your sister it was your fiancé who went and asked (just pass it by him first) OR be honest and tell them why as I assume they know about the drama 

Post # 11
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

amgarcia217:  I’m not exactly sure – there are some wonderful bees that have the most amazing way with words in these types of situations so hopefully one of them will weigh in. 

I would probably plan a coffee date or something of the likes with them and possibly also your Fiance. Once there, I’d tell them that you’d found yourself in an impossible position while choosing your bridal party, in part because of the challenges with your differing relationships with your sisters. Tell them that you value their friendship beyond words and are so excited to officially become their sister, and hope that they’ll understand that you’ve decided to keep your bridal party small with just your younger sister and one (or two) friend(s). Reiterate that your decision has been very difficult and you wish you could have included everyone you wanted, but that it wasn’t possible. Perhaps mention that you would really like to share the exciting moments like trying on dresses with them, if they would like. 

The reality is that since they’ve assumed the will be BMs, their feelings are probably going to be a little bit hurt, but there’s not much you can do about that. So long as you are warm and kind with them, and do your best to include them in as many other ways as possible, hopefully they will understand your predicament and get over it without any drama. 

You could also look for some sort of reading that they could do as a group, like a paragraph each. I know it might be a bit of a cop out, but it might be a nice way of showing them that you definitely want them included.

Best of luck!

Post # 12
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

I agree with others, you have to invite all the SIL’s or none of them to be in your bridal party. Only inviting single BM’s makes sense, but only if it is single in the sense of not married. I believe that in the past it was tradition to only have unmarried ladies in the bridal party, unless I’m mistaken? Anyway, not inviting a woman to be in your Bridal Party because they’re single, no matter how you interpret the word, I feel like is a bit of a weak excuse. If my brother’s wife had not asked me to be in her bridal party because I had a boyfriend, honestly I would be offended. It just seems silly.

As for not inviting your older sister into your Bridal Party, I think you need to just tell her the real reason. You are not close to her, and she has hurt you in the past. No need to use an excuse that will just make it more difficult in regards to your SIL’s.

I don’t think that you can only include two of the SIL’s. There will be hurt feelings from the two not included, no way around it. If that’s what you want to do, fine, but realize that no matter what you tell them, they will be hurt. And I understand why they would be.

That being said, I don’t see a problem at all with 6 bridesmaids. I wouldn’t worry about the number of them. I think the important thing is having bridesmaids who are genuinly interested in being involved in your wedding, are excited for you, and will help you out and work together to make your wedding and the events leading up to it great.

ETA: If you choose to have none of your SIL’s in the bridal party, which is very valid, then just talk to them honestly about it. Explain that you would love for them to be included in the wedding planning, and you are really excited for that, and you would love for them to be included in the wedding in some way; however, you cannot have them as part of the bridal party. You want a small bridal party, and unfortunately including all of them is just not possible. You can even open up about your sister, and how you would like to avoid having to invite her to be a part of the Bridal Party. I am sure they will understand, if you are open and honest with them.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  avalynzafira.
Post # 13
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

amgarcia217:  Ok i understand a little better now…do you think that even if you had them all as BM’s they could keep your one sister undercontrol?  Even if you dont have the best relationship with her maybe keeping her included to spare drama and feelings but talk to your other sister whom you are close to and have her keep her on a tight leash. 

I know a few friends who have had to do this particular situation to keep the peace and I have been involved in that kind of situation too. We kept the ONE bridesmaid in check by distracting her a lot or jumping in the middle before some drama started.

Post # 14
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Have you thought about not having a bridal party at all? And just having you and your future husband? My Future Sister-In-Law did that, and everyone she would’ve asked was able to get ready with her still. She had a very small wedding. And it worked. Her SILS threw her a bachelorette party as well too. Just an idea. Good luck, bee! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
46 posts
Newbee

amgarcia217:  I’m in a similar boat as you, it is assumed that all of my FI’s sisters and SIL will be in the Bridal Party.  Its not that I don’t want them to be, but I do hate the assumption without me making the decision.  I get that you feel backed into a corner, but I don’t think you can include some without the others.  If it were me I’d either include everyone or include your sister and close friend and keep it simpler.  I don’t think having just some of his SILs works.  If it is cost that you’re trying to avoid with having too many BMs, just keep the gifts simpler and smaller maybe.  I’m with you on this one and everyone’s advice is pretty much whatever makes you happy not everyone else!

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