(Closed) Help with Coping with a Loss?

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I don’t really have any advice, but I did want to say how very, very sorry I am for your loss. I can’t imagine the kind of strength you must find to cope with the loss of a child, even a child you never held in your arms. It sounds like you and DH are holding tight to each other right now and I think that alone will probably take you far. 


Miss Rain

Post # 4
1479 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss, and that it’s really encouraging that you’re seeking therapy.  I think having someone who is apart from the situation will be really beneficial to helping you sort through all of your feelings. 

Post # 5
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My heart is breaking for you.  I’m so sorry about what happened….I don’t have any great advice, either.  For the tragic things that have happened in my life, I have found that time is my best healer.  I hope the therapy helps, too.  It’s wonderful that you and your husband are being so supportive of each other.  *giant hug*

Post # 6
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@jholler25:  I have never been pregnant, so I do not know what you are going thru. I did, though, lose my Mother less than a year ago. She was only 50, and she basically raised me alone. That was tough! I felt the same way. My heart literally hurt and I would just randomly cry. I still do, although time makes it easier.

What has helped me is faith. I don’t know if you are religious, but if you are, you can’t go wrong with leaning on it. If not, ignore the below. I know that God has plans for every one of us. And, just when you think life has hit bottom, it gets better. Everything happens for a reason. Pain and loss make us stronger as humans, and we need that strength to get through this world (it’s a tough world). I am sure you will have a child, and when you do, it will be one of the happiest times of your life. You will look at your son or daughter and you won’t be able to imagine life without him or her. But if it wasn’t for the tragedy that you had to endure, you would not have him or her. We feel sad when someone dies for selfish reasons: one being because we will miss that person. But, I know my Mother is in a better place and so is your child. Even so, don’t feel bad about crying. Crying is good and is part of the healing process. If you weren’t upset about it, I would be concerned.

I do sympathize with you, and truly wish you all the best. It will get better, I promise!

Post # 7
987 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to do whatever works for you, whatever sounds good and like it’ll help you get through the day.  For me, (I don’t necessarily recommend this to others) I started smoking again and drank A LOT of wine.  I had quit smoking a few years earlier, but at that time all I wanted to do was smoke and drink.  So I indugled myself, for several weeks, and after that I slowly got hold of myself and got back to my normal life.  Other things that helped me were talking about it very openly to pretty much anybody and diving back into TTC as soon as the Dr said we could.  It gave me something more positive to focus on.  Today, it still hurts to think about what happened and particularly if I remember the details, but the wound is definitely less raw than it was in August.  Bee wrote about her experiences on Hellobee and I was reassured to read that while as many as 20% of pregnancies end in m/c, less than 3% of all women go on to have a second consecutive m/c.  So your chances of a healthy pregnancy after this are very good!  

Post # 8
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t have any advice besides what you are doing. When it happend to me I drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney for a few weeks, then just… went back to life. For a year or so afterwards almost anything would set me off, so I ended up going to a counciller, which really helped.

I think you are doing everything you can for yourself, and I am so sorry for your loss. It does get better, although I know it can’t seem that way now, and the nightmares become less frequent eventually. I’m so happy that your DH is so supportive of you. Sometimes men (and women who haven’t experienced this type of loss) cannot fathom why you are grieving, so it is wonderful to hear that he understands and is supportive of you.

I can say that my loss was 5 years ago and it still hurts a bit to think about it, but I am at peace with it now. I certainly don’t think about it except every January (when it happened) and if someone brings up a similar story. It does get better with time, but you have to find your own way to get through it.

Post # 9
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m so sorry for your loss. It definitely isn’t something that’s easy to deal with but it sounds like you’re taking good steps to move in a positive direction. Your dream sounds awful 🙁 I hope its replaced by happier dreams soon!

I also experienced a loss with my first pregnancy. Based on my experience I can say that my biggest mistake was trying to push it out of mind too soon (and it sounds like this wont be an issue for you thankfully). I got really angry with everything and even frustrated with my husband because after the physical part of it was over, I started to feel like everyone else had moved on with life. Nobody talked to me about it/brought it up and it felt like I was dwelling or that it was only real to me. My husband and I didn’t continue talking openly about it as much and it just made me feel more sad, confused and alone (It sounds like you have an amazingly supportive husband, I’m sure he’ll be such a help guiding you through this and you’ll be that much stronger for it).

After a minor meltdown on my part, my husband finally clued in that I couldn’t possibly move on from it all at his pace and he took the initiative to arrange a meeting with our Pastor. That was my turning point. Having my husband and Pastor acknowledge how real my pain was, was a big help. Talking it through with them both was invaluable. TTC again was freeing in a way too. Becoming pregnant a second time just changes the focus and while you’re grieving for your little bean, you’ve at least gotten back your hopes/dreams of the future and parenthood.

I think you meeting with a counselor could be a big help. I’d also say that your talking about it with your husband is amazing. While everything is still so raw its probably hard to feel it making a difference, but I can tell you that without that outlet/support it feels worse. Just do what you feel you have to and feel however you feel – for however long that is. There’s no real right or wrong in all of this.

Otherwise, just have faith that with time it becomes easier. Its still painful. Reading your story and writing this myself brings me right back and is hard, but I guess I’m just able to accept it now and be at peace. While I couldn’t see it at the time, looking back I truly believe it was all part of a bigger plan for us and that helps. Hopefully once you’ve gotten through the worst of it and you have your happy ending you’ll be able to reflect on things in a similar way. Until then, hang in there and do whatever it may be that helps and don’t loose communication with your hubby! I hope with time you feel lots better!!

ETA… sorry thats so long…. whoops!

Post # 10
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@jholler- I think you seeing a councelor is the best thing you can do. Talking about it, even thought it was hard really helped me just get those feelings out. I had my MC in the begining of December and I honestly still think about it everyday, cry multiple times a week, but it is not so consuming. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 11
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with pretty much everything 

View original reply
@chastenet: wrote. It’s pretty much identical to how I dealt with it…I self-medicated with cigarettes and booze. I didn’t talk about it to everyone…my ILs still don’t know…but I was very open about it with the people who did know, like my best friends and my SIL.

I took it one day at a time…and did whatever it took to get me through that day. The first day or two or three I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Eventually, it became less of a struggle to find reasons to get up and be a productive member of society. It still hurt like hell, but I couldn’t let myself wallow in misery forever, as much as I wanted to…it wasn’t fair to my husband, and it wasn’t fair to me. 

I leaned on DH pretty heavily, too…while I was falling apart he was trying his best to hold me together. He was very stoic about the whole thing, which at the time was infuriating, but looking back, it was exactly what I needed him to be. He was strong for me when I couldn’t be. He was happy we had finally gotten pregnant after nearly a year, while I was convinced that we’d try for another year just to lose that pregnancy. He was very sad, of course, but but he put that aside to take care of me. 

And like 

View original reply
@chastenet:, we started TTC again pretty much right away, and that helped. 

Anyway J, all you can do is whatever gets you through the day. I don’t advocate smoking and drinking to the extent I did, but don’t be scared to talk about it. Once I was open about it with people, I was shocked by how many of my friends and family members had gone through a pregnancy loss, and just never talked about it. It felt like I had a whole village of women who had been there…added on to the multitude of women I talked to online, both here and elsewhere. As much as my husband tried to be supportive, there’s no way any man can know exactly how deeply this loss cuts. 

We love you, J, and I promise, it gets better. It gets easier. It doesn’t go completely away, but eventually, it won’t be at the forefront of your mind. You’ll keep moving forward, because it’s really the only option. You could drown yourself in it, but that’s not fair to your husband, or to you. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to get through this. This will get easier. You WILL be a mother. 

Post # 12
987 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Mrs Sarah McK:  I completely agree with what you said about how once you talk about it, suddenly everyone tells you about their experiences and you realize HOW MANY people it happens to.  No one talks about it, but once they open up you see that there are many, many of us who go through this in life.

Post # 13
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Share with people you love & trust. Cry when you feel like it.  Find others who have gone through what you have gone through and share with them.  I haven’t gone through this loss, but have dealt with a huge loss in my life, and dealing with it is the best way to get your life back on track.

Post # 14
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

For me, the only thing that really helped was time.  Like you, I was caught off guard at how upset I was over the loss (it was an early loss at about 5-6 weeks…I never really knew, because I gave up on OPKs and then got pregnant late in my cycle).  For the first few days I cried all day.  For the first week, I cried every day.  I couldn’t talk about it in person for the first week or so.  Then, I was able to start talking about it, but talking about it made me cry. 

I also self-medicated with lots of wine, then a month later with a vacation with DH.  It took me awhile to get a period again and I wasn’t cleared to start trying again until after I got my period.  I probably started feeling less depressed/normal after that vacation and after I got my period again (6 wks later).  I felt helpless until we could start trying again, but in retrospect the break was good for me.  I then felt that talking about it (with family and friends) really did help me. 

I would like to say that TTC again helped me move on, but it didn’t.  I was a crazy person and couldn’t have fun TTC anymore.  All of my friends (whom I expected to be pregnant with…) were having their babies and I still wasn’t pregnant.  It took 3 cycles of actively trying to get pregnant again and during that time, I had some pretty blue days, wishing the months away during that time.  I wish that I had been able to take a step back, but I am very Type A, and couldn’t, and now I do regret that.  I was moving in the direction of talking to a professional when I found out I was pregnant.  Thankfully, this time it stuck. 

There’s no right answer as to how to cope.  You just have to do what gets you through the days….

Post # 15
5571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@winniewolf:  I dealt with it in the exact same way. Great advice!

I do honestly believe that the way that my hormones were directly following my MCs just made it so much worse. Even when I felt like I was having an okay day sometimes for seemingly no reason I’d just find myself sobbing. I talked to my doctor about it (you know about this J) and she said that it was a similar thing as to what happens when new moms get post partum depression. It was absolutely horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. With time it got easier but it’s still not something that’s easy to accept or think about without a lot of pain. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same as a result of what we went through.

Post # 16
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry for your loss.  I, too, just recently suffered a miscarriage of our first.  I feel a bit like the guy in Sleepless in Seattle where he says he just concentrates on waking up and breathing each day.  I did a lot of reading on the internet – stories of other ladies that it happened to, poems and songs written about ttc loss, etc.  At the end of the day, I’m just trying to find solid ground and make it through each day.  I’m trying to focus on the future (not forgetting but not letting myself drown either) and that’s helping to make facing each day a bit easier.  

I’m doing ok these days.  Most of the time I’m fine and can even find a moment or 3 of happiness, but there are days and times when it just hits me and it’s hard.  Like a prior poster said, this experience has changed me…. I’ll never be as carefree and innocent about this as I was before.  I’ll always be remembering the little one that I never got to hold and wishing that I could have met him or her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  If you need someone to chat with, feel free to pm me.  *hugs*

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