(Closed) help with ex-girlfriend, family issues… i'm at my wits end :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lovestoned_x:  You can’t do much about his family remaining friends with her. Any possibility you can meet her? It sounds like she is not going away.

Post # 4
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Your situation is a bit sensitive but take heart the fact that he proposed to you means he loves you not her,and there are vengeful women who will do anything to try and break you up, she knows that he has moved on yet she sends him messages just to sidetrack him but the fact that you two are getting married means dispite her tactics  it’s you he wants to be with .

Post # 6
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

call him out on it! he should not be chatting to her, meeting up with her, telling her he cares about her etc, behind your back! sounds fishy to me, sorry OP 🙁

Post # 7
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Jacqui90: +1

I’d be most concerned about the fact that he was basically going ’round behind your back. Not cool. And, while the girl may make you want to punch her in the face, I think its your Fiance who is responsible here… I’d… be very cautious.

Post # 8
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you have every right to be concerned about his relationship with her. The fact that he’s *lied* to you about his continued communication with her, that she is clearly beyond the boundary of “friendly ex” when she tells him that she loves him, misses him etc. and that he’s snuck around behind your back to see her, those are huge red flags to me. 

I think you need to tell him that the relationship with Laura needs to end, because clearly it’s not on the up and up if he’s lying about it, and even if nothing has happened (yet) she clearly still has inappropriate feelings for him, and continuing the relationship and giving her false hope is cruel to her and makes you extremely uncomfortable.

As far as his family goes, they of course have a history with this woman, and there’s nothing you can do about their relationships with her. I don’t think you should view it as competitive (you’ll lose if you start trying to make them choose, it’ll just make you look bad). Just be aware that she may continue a relationship with your FI’s family for the purpose of maintaining contact with him, and she may get “closer” to them as your Fiance distances himself and cuts off contact.

I do think you have every right to ask your Fiance to terminate contact with this woman; it hasn’t been aboveboard from the beginning and she clearly wants it to be something more. If he puts up a fight about it, you need to think long and hard about whether he’s really done with Laura and whether you want to stick around while he makes up his mind. 

Post # 9
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about his family members keeping contact with her.

However, your Fiance lied to you for months, meeting up with the ex and talking to her behind your back and saying things that were completely inappropriate.  Do you trust that he’s really no longer talking to her now?

It seems like if you want to stay in this situation, you’re going to have to get used to the ex being around.  But, ask yourself if you fully trust a man who spent months lying to you. 

Sorry 🙁

Post # 10
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lovestoned_x:  I try not to talk to him about it because I don’t want him thinking I’m possessive or annoying.

This is precisely why he’s able to continue getting away with cheating on you.  Because you’re letting him.

If you marry this guy there will be three people in your marriage.  Him.  You.  Laura.

Think about it.

Post # 11
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My fiances brother (who is 8 years older) once had a very serious girlfriend.  She was at all of the holidays, family events, vacations…everything.  His family thought this was it, that they were getting married and when they broke up his family was devestated.  

They still to this day hold her in such high regard because they welcomed her into the family.  This was over seven years ago and she has since married, had children and she is still best friends with my fiances sister (they did not know each other before the relationship) I invited her to the surprise baby shower I just had for my FSIL! 

The point of this story is that my fiances brother still to this day (7 years!) has not brought home another girlfriend because of how devestated his family was after the last one.  He didn’t want to have his family go through that again unless his next girlfriend was SERIOUS enough to bring home.  

This is a huge red flag about your guy.  I don’t know if I could be engaged to someone if I have not met his family. Especially when they live close, there is no excuse.   Their family will become your family! 

Yes there is the problem with Laura but the biggest problem is with your fiance.  He is not even giving you a chance.  How can his family not talk about her when they haven’t even met you, his behavior is unacceptable.  A guy should be proud to bring you home!

Also as an update my fiances brother is bringing home a girl for the first time over labor day weekend and his family is THRILLED and so excited! I hope this helps because they are not going to compare her to the ex since the ex is just that….an ex! They have probably wanted to meet you by now! 

Post # 12
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You can’t force your fiance’s family to sever ties with this woman unfortunately; but your fiance has to make it clear that the relationship between the two of them has some boundaries, and he has to enforce those boundaries.  Her saying she still loves him is not appropriate, and he needs to make it clear that, regardless of her feelings for him, it’s not okay to be constantly saying such things.  I know he can’t control what she says, but he can control how he responds, and he needs to not give any impression that these things are ok. 

Post # 13
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would have a serious talk with him. If he still cares for this ex, then he really needs to make a decision: let YOU go…and maintain some sort of relationship with the ex. Or let HER go because it is not fair to you for him to be maintaining a relationship (however a-sexual) with her. Period.

 

It’s hurting you that he’s talking to her. IT’s not fair to you that he’s lying and sneaking around. That right there should be the decision maker. I know when my Fiance and I first met he was trying to maintain a friendship with his ex (who was not acting very much like a friend). The torn heartstrings between her and him were a big fat red flag to me and I said to him “You’re trying to maintain a friendship w/ her because you’re afraid to hurt her, right? So why is it ok for you to hurt me instead?” And that ended it.

 

Hurting me was not an option. Hurting HIM is not an option for me. As much as I might disagree with something he believes, I would never ever go out and do something that I KNEW was hurting him even if I felt differently.

Post # 14
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

When was the last time they talked?!  My initial reaction is your Fiance is a dick for getting pissed at you talking to an ex when he was doing that and then some behind your back. But, it’s hard for me to really give my perspective since I’m not sure how long ago this all was and what is going on in your relationship currently with regards to all of this.  Sorry you’re feeling bad though, hope you guys work it all out.

Post # 15
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I don’t think there is anything wrong with insisting that his relationship with her stop immediately! At the very least this is emotional cheating. I would demand to know everything that has happened and that they stop speaking all together while I sorted out whether or not I could still be with him after this! Talking to your ex= fine. Have a secret emotional affair = never ok!

Post # 16
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

He probably was upset for your ex talking to you because of his own insecurity about his ‘friendship’ with his ex. He’s emotionally cheating on you, and lying to you, and I would break it off. My fiancé still talks to his ex because they stayed friends the year after the broke off and it’s been rocky since she’s still getting over him, but he lets me see all of their texts and messages and I know when he’s hanging out with her (ONLY with his best friend there or with his daughter because the ex was a part of his four year old’s life for over a year and it isn’t fair to cut her out of her life completely). 

If he’d been honest about it, it wouldn’t be a problem. The lying and seeing her behind your back and flirty talking is NOT okay and I would consider it cheating.

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