Help with "Generous" Husband

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: What is the best way to handle this?
    Make an ultimatum that he hang out without paying EVERY time : (21 votes)
    42 %
    Talk with BIL and SIL and encourage more balance : (7 votes)
    14 %
    Merge bank accounts so I have more say in mutual spending : (9 votes)
    18 %
    Understand his need to provide for them and let it be : (13 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    14891 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

     we have separate bank accounts and this is part of the divide between “his” and “mine” where he feels entitled to spend “his” however he chooses. Is it time to merge accounts as a married couple?

    While I agree his brother is kinda being a selffish greedy douche, your husband is lettingn him take advantage of him for some reason.  But if you have separate accounts and he’s free to spend his as he choose, be it on his family or blowing it on whatever else, then why are you policing it.  The point of the separate account is that he IS entitled to spend his as he chooses, just as you are yours.  Why would you want to merge accounts so that you can control “his” spending.  In fact ,I would think that this seprate account is better in this case cause he has a predefined liimt that you guys agreed on (i’m assuing that’s how you manage your separate accounts?) that he can spend how ever he want, instead of a bigger joint pot which he might want to dip into.

    Post # 3
    Member
    7278 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Merging bank accounts is only going to set you up for more fights since he won’t stop treating. So long as you are maxing out retirement, saving for the kids’ college, and living comfortably with zero debt (besides maybe a mortgage) then let him spend his free money how he wants – it’s not worth the fight. However if you aren’t in an extremely secure financial position then talk about coming up with a limit so he can still treat but it isn’t putting you in the red. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    7906 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    My husband always pays when he goes out with his younger siblings too (he’s the oldest). It’s not such a large amount of money that it affects our accounts in any way, and also he doesn’t see them often so it might be different than the situation with your husband.

    i don’t see a big problem with the principle of him treating them (assuming he can easily afford it), but him blowing up at you, shouting obscenities and then shit talking you to his siblings is pretty terrible behavior. I’d be more upset by that than anything else. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    677 posts
    Busy bee

    theresabow :  How your husband treated you and spoke about you to his family is more concerning than his generosity. Yikes, Bee. It’s never OK for spouses to shout obscenities at one another—especially over something like this. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    255 posts
    Helper bee

    The fact that he shouted obscenities at you and then aired your dirty laundry to make you look bad is FAR more concerning than anything else in this post. Is this typical of the way he treats you?

    Post # 10
    Member
    754 posts
    Busy bee

    His reaction is concerning, I would start there when addressing it rather than the reason why his anger flared initially. 

    Side note: When you go out with Brother-In-Law and SIL, are the kids always with you? Because you’re a family of 8, as Brother-In-Law I wouldn’t be reaching everytime to pick up that kind of tab but maybe 1 out of 5 times would be along the lines of ‘fair’ if everyone can’t agree to just pay for themselves. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3515 posts
    Sugar bee

    Your husband is a jackass who happily throws his money at people who don’t need it in order to look important and successful. And of course underneath it all he’s woefully insecure, thus the need to put on a show.

    I don’t know what you can do about this since he’s so inappropriately defensive. Maybe a counselor?

    Post # 14
    Member
    10415 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    theresabow :  

    I also can’t move past your husband shouting obscenities at you.  That is absolutely, completely, totally not okay.  Ever.

    Then he compounds his felony by shaming you to his brother.

    This is terrible treatment, Bee. Yet, you’re fixating on his paying for his family on outings.  That is not your biggest problem.

     

    https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse-bullying-4154087

    Post # 15
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 1983

    You desperately need to be on the same page financially. With six kids to launch into adulthood, you don’t have the money for him to throw around being a paternal big shot. And you both might want to retire someday. Or might get sick. Or might want a vacation. See a couple’s counselor (stop seeing the inlaws; that will pay for it) and work toward becoming a real team.

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