Help with "Generous" Husband

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: What is the best way to handle this?
    Make an ultimatum that he hang out without paying EVERY time : (21 votes)
    42 %
    Talk with BIL and SIL and encourage more balance : (7 votes)
    14 %
    Merge bank accounts so I have more say in mutual spending : (9 votes)
    18 %
    Understand his need to provide for them and let it be : (13 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee

     He screams obscenities at you when you dare question him or want to discuss finances? Nice example he’s setting for the children. Don’t under estimate how much this affects them or how much they know of the situation. It’s also horribly unfair and nasty to you. 

    Even if the two of you disagree on treating family, the extent to which he treats them is odd when you say they make more than you do- and you have 6 kids to think of on top. I get taking extended family out for dinner once in awhile, but filling up their tanks with gas? That’s something you might do for a poor, struggling relative not someone who can afford to buy their own gas. I’m inclined to agree with sunburn :  that he enjoys putting on a show to feel important. 

    What I also find a very unsettling dynamic here is that his brother (thanks to OP’s husband’s staggering lack of loyalty to his wife) full well knows this ‘generosity’ is causing friction in OP’s marriage and taking away from their family budget and chooses to smugly joke about it. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    6116 posts
    Bee Keeper

    He fills their gas tanks?? Who does that? 

    He shouts obscenities at you? 

    Do NOT merge finances with him, he clearly does not respect your opinion on financial matters. is he contributing to your children’s college funds, etc.? How do you share joint expenses?

    Post # 18
    Member
    3486 posts
    Sugar bee

    Thinking about this…the next time your husband decides to treat, make sure you refer to the brother as greedy and cheap because he never picks up the tab. And he lets his older brother pay, even if he makes more $. Lay it all out. How does he intend to send all these kids to college?

    I’m a believer in honesty. In this case it’s going to hurt their pride. Too bad, not sad. They’re both acting like jerks. As for his angry outburst, I’d show him the fucking door.

    Oh no. I just remember your posts. The husband who stays out all night and doesn’t call, wants to take a vacation without you, wants to.be a stay at home dad while you support him and go to school – all because he’s burnt out of his job. Why did you have children with this man? He ought to have a warning label tattooed on his forehead.

    Post # 22
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee

    theresabow :  No, I don’t think it comes with the territory of having younger brothers. Most able bodied younger adult brothers  would feel embarrassed or awkward taking gas money from their sibling. They might swallow their pride and accept it if they were truly struggling, but they wouldn’t have your BIL’s ‘hey free stuff, I’m making out like a bandit! bro’s wife doesn’t like it? too bad, so sad’ attitude. That’s really far from the norm Bee and not something you should try and accept. 

    I wouldn’t recommend merging accounts with someone you can’t have adult conversations with about money or trust to spend responsibly. I also wouldn’t recommend going to counselling with a partner who screams and swears at you. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    1162 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

    pinkshoes :  ” In fact ,I would think that this seprate account is better in this case cause he has a predefined liimt that you guys agreed on (i’m assuing that’s how you manage your separate accounts?) that he can spend how ever he want, instead of a bigger joint pot which he might want to dip into.

    This implies there is no financial trust in the marriage to begin with- which would be true based on OP’s concerns with her husband’s spending. That said, I don’t think it’s good advice to tell her that she should just turn a blind eye to the issue and not “police him”. Sorry not sorry – OP’s husband should be putting their marital finances ahead of his brother’s, and including his wife as a equal and joint decision maker. That involves combining finances as a married team. I think that not combining finances drives a huge wedge between a marriage because it essentially discourages ANY personal accountability or acknowledgement of each spouse’s effect on the other’s financial future. Not to mention it’s just downright disrespectful to not consult the other partner in decision making about the family money. Beacue what one does with their money DOES affect the other spouse, even if it’s indirect. 

    OP, if something bad happened, and you really needed something, would your husband really expect you to pay with “your” money? Would you have to take out a loan to pay your medical bills while your husband is using “his money” to pay for nights out for his brother? Do you see how the priorities there are not aligned to support your marriage? I would strongly encourage you to open this can of worms and figure it out ASAP. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    14889 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    missmollybee : Just cause a couple doesnt have joint everything, doesnt mean they aren’t a “team”.   I think you’re missing the point of a personal free spending account.  A lot of people keep separate spending accounts…. and the whole point of personal free spending accounts IS so that each others spending of that predetermined amount is not policed.  As long as the joint goals are agreed on and met, and the individual spending account is agreed on, then he/she can do whatever they want with it.  If he wants to blow it on his family, and she wants to blow it on something he disagrees with, say shoes and handbags, that’s their perogative.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1881 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    theresabow :  The easy way to fix the treating is to have everyone pay for themselves. You and your husband cover your tab, and his siblings and their spouses cover theirs. There is nothing saying you have to have a joint tab/check everytime. And as the siblings are taking advantage, I would inisist on this. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: City, State

    OP, sorry to be harsh but he and his relatives/your in-laws sound pretty horrible by the looks of this post.

    First off, the in-laws should’ve had more decency than to accept your husband’s “generosity” every single time they hang out, at a pretty high frequency of nearly once a week, and to the point where they are now “expecting” it out of him. I assume that as family they should know about your family’s financial state, consider that you do have 6 kids to take care of, etc etc and shouldn’t accept these things with open arms all the time. Then there was the BIL’s reaction to finding out that you’re uncomfortable with this – just to gloat about it? Sure I guess he might’ve been caught in the moment and tried to make an awkward and distasteful “joke” to let things pass, but these in-laws still haven’t changed their behavior, continuing to be inconsiderate leeches, which says a lot about them.

    Now, the bigger problem is of course your husband. As PP have pointed out, he blew up at you disproportionately and hurled insults toward you when you tried expressing your discomfort and unhappiness with the situation (which you have every right to be), plus he completely threw you under the bus. He’s not operating as a husband-and-wife team with you here at all. Additionally, I read one of your comments and you have a strong inkling that he’s doing all this to show off for the SIL whom he enjoys the attention/flattery of? Uhhh, ew. What a horrid bunch, the lot of them….

    I say it’s time to issue an ultimatum. Everyone just pay their own way. If the SIL and Brother-In-Law stops wanting to hang around as much, or if the SIL’s attention and flattery all of a sudden dries up, then that should hopefully send a clear and direct message to your husband too.

    Post # 27
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee

    theresabow :  soooo i would say “excuse me dear husband, but with 6 kiddos, i really do believe we should be putting our money else where.”

    Do you have 100k laid out for each child if they decide to go to college?? (Maybe not 100k, but at least 40k each to be safe. You never know though with university cost inflation!!). I’d say if the answer to that question is NO, then why frivolously spend on moochers that make more than you? With 6 kids, there IS no my money/your money/ free money. Tbh i think he’s out of his mind.

    Post # 27
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee

    Also I’m not really on board with this “do as you damn well please” flex spending account. Since when is that how marriage & money works? Can he also spend it on a yacht? A separate dad pad? A stripper? A sugar baby? I am confusion. Where is the line?

    Post # 28
    Member
    7912 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    beepboopbop :  A flex spending account works well for many marriages so there’s no need for the judgmental “since when is that how marriage works” remark. Personally, I do not feel a need to police my husband’s spending to make sure he’s remaining faithful to me – but if that’s how YOUR marriage works, more power to you!

    In the OP’s case there are way bigger issues at play than the way their accounts are handled. Especially in light of her previous posts about her husband. this sounds like a major shit show and I echo others in recommending counseling cause I think this goes beyond something randos on an internet forum can really help too much with.

    Post # 29
    Member
    14889 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    beepboopbop :  While we don’t have personal free spending accounts, I’d said, sure if he has enough for a yacht and the maintenance, go right on ahead.  If their relationship allows for strippers, then why not.  The stripper, sugar baby, etc though usually isnt about money, and about comfort/moral lines in a relationship, so that is just a terrible arguing point.  

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