Help with "Generous" Husband

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: What is the best way to handle this?
    Make an ultimatum that he hang out without paying EVERY time : (21 votes)
    42 %
    Talk with BIL and SIL and encourage more balance : (7 votes)
    14 %
    Merge bank accounts so I have more say in mutual spending : (9 votes)
    18 %
    Understand his need to provide for them and let it be : (13 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 30
    Member
    331 posts
    Helper bee

    tiffanybruiser :  Agree with everything you’ve said. I’m not familiar with OP’s other posts about her husband, but even this thread alone has enough of a shit show going on to throw up major red flags and its not just about money. 

    We have a combination of shared and separate finances but we do it fairly. All the money is pooled and necessities,  household savings and ‘family extras’ all come out of that regardless of who earned what. Then we each get our own ‘discretionary’ money to use for ourselves, usually a combination of personal savings and misc spending. 

    But it sounds like OP’s husband spends whatever he pleases FIRST, not merely with whatever is left over (which should be after everything they’ve mutually decided on, including things like retirement savings, college funds, home renos, emergency savings, family trips etc). 

    And sometimes reality sucks and there IS no discretionary money. Maybe someone gets sick or hurt or laid off or the furnace breaks – & a family of 8 should have a sizeable bit set aside just in case. And I don’t see how OP’s husband is planning for this when he’s too busy playing Mr Money Bags to impress others. 

     

    Post # 31
    Member
    7 posts
    Newbee

    crustyoldbee :  I wonder if jointly agreed upon family commitments are being met.  I’m a great believer in personal spend accounts but only AFTER, all family financial obligations have been satisfied.  I can’t imagine having much left over with 6 kids!  OP, perhaps a sit down to revist your family financial goals is necessary.  Your dh may see that he doesn’t have as much personal cash to play with as he thinks.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1123 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

    pinkshoes :  I agree with you- merging finances doesn’t have to look like having the same joint account but the partners sure as hell need to be on the same page about how money is spent. That’s what I am getting at. Which it doesn’t sound like they agree on, so… yes, I think it is driving a wedge between them. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    14881 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    missmollybee :  I agree they need to be on the same page.  What I’m saying is that if they agreed on the an amount to allocate to individual spending accounts,  then she shouldn’t be able to police that amount of money.  That’s the point of individual spendign accounts.  If she didnt agree to how much he gets in his spending account (not sure how that’s possible), then yes, something needs to be done to get their goals aligned.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1123 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

    pinkshoes :  Totally, a personal spending budget definitely needs to be accounted for and agreed on. That said, those agreements do need to be re-assessed as time goes on and if circumstances change. The way I see it, if the spending isn’t putting them in financial jeopardy, then it’d just be her addressing her feelings about her husband apparently financing his brother’s recreational activities and putting her down (which is understandably hurtful!). The other side is that since they have six children, I can imagine that it might be putting some kind of financial strain on them and the personal spending may need to be re-assessed. I personally wouldn’t want to give myself a personal spending budget that made my husband uncomfortable, as long as his concerns were reasonably based. Both partners get a say in those budgets. If the personal spending is negatively impacting the marriage then yes, it needs to stop. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    1137 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Is your husband the scapegoat of the family? It sounds like they’re taking advantage of him and he feels like if the money train stops the relationships will die.

    Post # 39
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee

    theresabow :  There is a difference between being generous (ex: picking up the occasional restaurant bill) and being mooched off of (always covering concert tickets, tanks of gas, etc).  And to add salt to the wound, the moochers are in a better financial position than the giver is… WTF?!

     

    Also, your update–> “Kids are expensive and it is a struggle for me to even work due to securing adequate childcare and its attached expenses.

    Your family is having trouble affording CHILDCARE impacting your ability to work, and your husband is throwing away money to people who don’t need it.  Pair that with his ridiculous reaction when you tried to discuss this, and you’ve got major issues.  

     

    You need to lay it all out with your husband.  This is one of those “put on your oxygen mask first before helping others” scenarios.  Things need to change so that your family is in a better financial position.  This is ultimatum, dealbreaker territory for me and goes beyond your husband spending his discretionary income as he feels. 

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    636 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    There is a dynamic within reason of the older sibling paying. When I go out with my younger siblings I will always TRY to pay, however now that almost all of them are making good money they don’t usually LET me. My older borthers do try and pay and I’m typically ok with that, howver once one of them had 4 kids I was way less ok with it. The thing with siblings is you’re supposed to care about each other and take care of each other. That caring thing should extend to marriages too, if my brother EVER threw obscenities at his wife in front of me he’d be getting a lot more back from me about it. He’s dead wrong and so is his brother. I’d stop hanging out with the brother and make the shared amount he needs to contribute bigger to help with saving for your 6 childrens’ future expenses bc they will be coming in spades. Also that retirement savings, he needs to contribute more to that as well. I’d never pay for a meal out with him out of your personal money again either.

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