(Closed) help with how to politely tell FMIL I don’t want her there the morning of!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

1) You didn’t invite them, they invited themselves.

2) You are not mean.

I would politely explain to her that there’s not enough room for everyone, and that you’d really like to spend the morning with your mom and sisters, but that you’re looking forward to taking photos with the whole family so you can properly catch up on the day. Stress how wouldn’t she rather be with her son helping him get ready, he really needs her you know πŸ˜‰

Seriously. Give her a task (namely, helping the guys get ready). Make a big deal of it, make it important. Make it the biggest favour she’s ever done, helping you to keep those men on track for the day. I did this with my Mother-In-Law and it was perfect. I also had an aunt keep tabs on her (also kept the aunt out of my hair) and invited them both to have lunch with us, and then had the aunt whisk her off to do something else. It was perfect. She got to see me getting ready, she got to spend some time, and then she got to leave. Life saver.

ETA – I truly love my Mother-In-Law, I just felt like you do and I wanted to spend the time with my mom and sister, not with a parade of people staring at me.

Post # 4
962 posts
Busy bee

The above advice is good. The only thing I would add is this: be prepared that no matter how well you phrase it, there is a good chance that it will cause drama. Do I think you are being mean? absolutley not. I have a well intentioned but overbearing Future Mother-In-Law myself and I TOTALLY get what you are saying. Unfortunately though you need to decide: is the 1 hour of peace you would get on your big day worth the weeks of drama that this could potentially cause if she feels slighted or excluded. That is a call that only you can make. Good luck

Post # 6
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Can you ask your Fiance to invite her to get ready with them? I’m assuming that she will be escorted down the aisle by your husband or another family member. Maybe you can plan her taking pictures with her son during your getting ready time? Or maybe show her pictures of sons getting their bouts put on by their moms in professional photos? 

Post # 8
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ticatica: Oh no. Darling Husband and I had a rule, whomever’s family it was had to deal with their drama, LOL! So when it came to getting his mom out of my way, Darling Husband had to deal with it, and I enlisted my aunt to help as well. Is there someone you can ask to help get your Future Mother-In-Law out of the way? For instance, my aunt met with her at the hotel (I was getting ready in a different hotel, genius plan since that meant travel between the two if anyone wanted to come find me), they caught up, had a coffee, checked on the guys, then aunt brought her to my hotel for a quick lunch and to have her hair done. We hugged, said nice things, it was lovely, then aunt whisked her off to get ready back at hotel A. It was perfect. She felt like she got meaningful time with me, I got to have the majority of the time with my BMs and mom.

Post # 9
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Does your FH want her with him, as he is getting ready? We customarily do pre cermony pictures with the groom and his men, with his parents. The bride with hers.  In that case she wouldn’t feel left out or excluded from all the fun pre wedding stuff.

Post # 10
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would tell her you talked to the venue coordinators/owners and they really don’t recommend more than X number of people (X conveniently being a number one or two less than the number of bridesmaids plus your family plus you), and so you’re really already pushing it just with your side of the wedding party, plus you’re worried about the two little kids getting antsy with nothing to keep them occupied at the venue for that long, so you’ve decided to keep the number of people getting ready there limited to you, your mother, your sister, and your bridesmaids.  You, of course, are sure she’ll understand.

Any objections along the lines of “I’m sure we could just…” should be answered with “I’m sorry, it just won’t be possible.”  Repeated again and again as many times as necessary.

And it’s not really your job to figure out where she can get ready.  Presumably she’ll have a home or hotel room?  She just needs to show up when you want her to show up.

Post # 12
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Why don’t you (politely) tell her that you only want the bridal party and your parents in the room? Just be honest with her and let her know that you’ll already be nervous and you just want a couple of hours to spend with your family. If she still wants to get ready in the hotel, they can hire a room adjacent to you for $XXX.


She might be less willing to come if she needs to pay for a room especially if you think she’s just planning on using the hotel room as a dumping ground for things.

Post # 14
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ticatica: There is a way to strike a polite but firm tone about this with your FMIL/in-laws. It starts with your willingness to confront the issue with a calm smile. You are not excluding them from anything — they will still be important to you and a part of the wedding. It has already been made clear that they invited themselves to get ready with you, and that you did not invite them. So simply say something to this effect:

Dear Future Mother-In-Law,

I’m so excited to celebrate with you! I was thinking that an even better arrangement for you (and whomever else in-law related) would be to get ready at our house! I can provide you with the keys and it is only a short drive from the venue. You can even drop off your things there and use this space throughout the day for the grandchildren to play, etc. I feel strongly that this would work much better for everyone involved so that there will be plenty of room and comfort, and much better than a crowded room at the venue. Let me know when I can give you the keys and if there is anything I can have ready at the house for you.



This way, you don’t make it a debate. You make her feel important by opening with how excited you are, then you state what you need, you explain how great it is, then you state it again and why it is important to you. You close by furthering the idea in saying that in the future you will get the keys to her and even are thoughtful to have something at the house for your guests. Forward motion, momentum, polite, unstoppable. πŸ˜‰ Get it?

Good luck!

Post # 15
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Cornflakegirl: Love that. Don’t end it with a ‘how does that sound?’ but an ‘I’ll be sure to get you the keys.’ It’s not an option, it’s the option. πŸ™‚

OP- You don’t need to feel bad about this (and Fiance should sack up a bit, IMO, rather than putting it all on you). How hard is it for him to say “Mom, the room that ticatica and her bridal party are prepping in is rather small and wouldn’t be good with the kids and extra people there. Her parents have kindly opened their house for your and sis/bro/kids’ use. She’ll provide the keys at your morning hair appointment.” I’m a big fan of “if it’s your family, you handle it.” Saves a few hard feelings and awkward moments for the non-family SO. 

Post # 16
7394 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Very dipolomatic and to the point @Cornflakegirl: & @indibee:. OP you are going to have just a grow a pair ;). If you don’t stand up for this now, this will be one of many other issues which will come up during the coming months. So nip this in the bud now. If your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t mature enough to deal with the perfectly rational and considerate option of using you parents home, then thats on HER. You have no control over her feelings so don’t try to take any responsiblity for it.  And I do agree that you FH is passing the buck here. 

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