(Closed) Help with jealousy issues! Long Sorry…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@reneynay: Not an expert, but…

Ask yourself in a calm moment if your fiance has ever done anythign to comprompise your trust. Has he ever cheated (on you or on anyone he dated before you)? Does he flirt with women when he’s not on duty? Etc. And answer as honestly as possible – if you do have real danger signals, you need to address them.

But if the answer is “no,” you need to remind yourself of this.  I’ve never understood being jealous because another girl hits on my fiance – I don’t care how flirtatious a woman is, she’s not going to do anything physical without his consent. I know he would never give his consent, so there’s nothing for me to be concerned about. Girls aren’t “sharks,” and your fiance isn’t meat for him to eat.  He has a will of his own, and that’s the only thing that matters.

Basically, jealousy is a failure of confidence in yourself, a failure of trust in your fiance, or both.  Unless you can resolve those issues, you’ll still be jealous.  In the meantime, you can deal with the jealousy by NOT ACTING ON IT.  Unless your fiance has actually done something inappropriate, don’t punish him by being angry.  Don’t freak out on women who have done nothing wrong.  You have control over your own actions – exercise it.

Post # 4
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Nice answer mightywombat.

Sometimes I think I need a good swift kick in the rear for the insane amounts of jealousy I feel sometimes.

 

I was almost on Dr. Phil for it but chickened out when the producer called and wanted me to be on the “Controlling Spouses” episode! I was like, 1. I’m not even a spouse, and 2. you missed the point!

 

Anyway, if that’s not a wake-up call, I don’t know what is! (pardon the pun)

Post # 5
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe you need to think about why you’re feeling this way about the women around him, to the point where you cause him problems at work. If he has a history of cheating, you’d be justified in your feelings, but if not, it’s probably something going on inside you, and only you can figure out what and why.

Like mightywombat said, those women can flirt all they want, but your Fiance isn’t a passive object that they can act on at will. It’s not like he’s a wallet or a car; no one can “steal” a man that doesn’t want to be stolen. He’s an intelligent adult, and he loves you, and he’s been in the same industry you have and seen how the girls act. Jealousy isn’t recognizing and respecting that.

It’s easy to think about logically, but it’s hard to make yourself feel logically. If I were in the same situation, I’d wait until I was calm and talk about my jealousy issues with my partner and try and come up with things I can do to work on the issue and ways my partner can help. As in, not “You’ve got all these girls up on you and fbing you!” but, “When I see a girl all over you or flirting with you on fb, I feel worried and threatened because…” and not “When I get jealous, you need to block the girl on fb,” but “When I feel jealous, I need to…”

It will probably be hard, since it sounds like a big part of his job involves hanging around with beautiful women and maintaining the appearance that he’s sexually available. I hope that helps; jealousy can lay waste to a relationship.

Post # 6
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

I realise this is an old post but my two cents as an ex nightclub bartender.  I am out of the biz but lots of my friends are still in it as bartenders, servers, and promoters like your Fiance.

This is what they do….  Have him set up a ‘business’ FB and a friends and family one. Keep yor personal life and your business side seperate.

Post # 7
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Step 1: Stop checking his FB. Ask him to change his pwd and not give it to you. (In your case, ignorance is bliss since you got nothing to worry about in the first place! It seems like you are freaking yourself out on purpose.)

Step 2: Do not go through his phone at all. Please give him some dignity, respect, and privacy. I NEVER go through my FI’s phone. I am not afraid to find anything. I am afraid that the SECOND I do that, I would have belittled him into the same crowd as other men who cannot be trusted. He can be trusted. And it needs to start with ME. (It needs to start with YOU.)

Step 3: Since you guys’ workplace is so volatile, do not discuss your daily doings with each other. Keep it to a MINIMUM. I.e. “How was your day?” “It went fine. I have to go here/there/bla/bla tomorrow.” Then move on to better things. I mean seriously, WHY bring work home in the first place?! If you are frustrated @ your manager or coworker, then get it out of your system, but don’t discuss things just for the sake of discussing. (IF you do that, that is.)

 

Post # 8
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Oneeleven: I think that is a great idea, good suggestion!

Post # 9
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i think maybe you might need to both consider other terms of employment. when my Fiance and i started dating i was bartending (and had been for YEARS). it just got to the point that his feelings were more important (even though he wasn’t ever jealous). i would put myself in his shoes though, and i would hav ehated for him to be behind the bar flirting all the time to make money. maybe you guys could start a company together? that’s what we did 🙂

Post # 10
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Sasha2011: the only thing I would caution about not talking about work is that it could come to be the “elephant in the room” and make things seem more stressed/awkward. 

OP, if your Fiance has no history of cheating, no reason to make you think he would cheat, and you think these are just insecurities looming– go out and do something positive. remember how sexy and confident and awesome you are and you’ll stop worrying about having your man “stolen” or something like that.  I battle jealousy by constantly knowing I’m awesome Wink and that some other girl being prettier or flirting with my SO isn’t enough to make him totally forget me!

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