Post # 1
OK Bees. Ive never posted anything about my relationship before but Im having a stressful day because of an issue that arose and maybe you can give me some insight on how to deal with my feelings of jealousy.
Background: My fiance and I both work in nightlife in two different high end nightclubs. Our jobs require both of us to flirt with customers in order to get them to spend money and return again to spend more money. I make money based off of my tips and my fiance makes his money based on volume and total money spent per night. He also promotes other events which require him to get models/girls to join him in order to please the big spenders.
Being that we have both been in this industry for 10 plus years I understand the nature of the business. However it doesnt stop me from becoming jealous. Flash forward to today. I happened to be on his facebook page and some girl had friended him at 5:40am and the message along with the friend request was. “Hi its -girls name-!!! You’re ENGAGED!!!” The previous day another girl had facebook messaged him asking him to be her plus one to some event last night.
I went a little nuts today after finding this stupid message questioning him “who is this girl, are you seeing someone?” etc etc etc. He was nice about it at first not knowing who I was talking about saying that he would never do anything and that I had nothing to worry about. I couldnt leave it alone and we got into an explosive argument where he told me that if I couldnt handle girls talking to him that maybe we shouldnt be together.
I ended up walking out the the apartment and leaving for a few hours to go speak with a friend and cool down. Im fine now. Turns out the girl is engaged herself and the message was to congratulate him. Now I know that girls ask him out all the time and i have no reason to think that hes doing anything wrong. Guys hit on me all the time too and Im sure that if he knew my facebook password he wouldnt be too pleased to see what guys email me. All of the advances are unwarranted and i do believe that it is the same with him with these girls.
My question is how do I stop being jealous and freaking out? This happens once every few months with some text message or email I see. These girls are sharks. They see a nightclub owner and pounce. I know this because i see it every night at the venue I work at. i do believe him that it was nothing, but how do I stop from going crazy the next time I see something? Ive already alienated a few waitresses that work for him by freaking out on them if I feel they are behaving inappropriately. Help me learn to deal with my jealousy issues!! Please!
Post # 3
@reneynay: Not an expert, but…
Ask yourself in a calm moment if your fiance has ever done anythign to comprompise your trust. Has he ever cheated (on you or on anyone he dated before you)? Does he flirt with women when he’s not on duty? Etc. And answer as honestly as possible – if you do have real danger signals, you need to address them.
But if the answer is “no,” you need to remind yourself of this. I’ve never understood being jealous because another girl hits on my fiance – I don’t care how flirtatious a woman is, she’s not going to do anything physical without his consent. I know he would never give his consent, so there’s nothing for me to be concerned about. Girls aren’t “sharks,” and your fiance isn’t meat for him to eat. He has a will of his own, and that’s the only thing that matters.
Basically, jealousy is a failure of confidence in yourself, a failure of trust in your fiance, or both. Unless you can resolve those issues, you’ll still be jealous. In the meantime, you can deal with the jealousy by NOT ACTING ON IT. Unless your fiance has actually done something inappropriate, don’t punish him by being angry. Don’t freak out on women who have done nothing wrong. You have control over your own actions – exercise it.
Post # 4
Nice answer mightywombat.
Sometimes I think I need a good swift kick in the rear for the insane amounts of jealousy I feel sometimes.
I was almost on Dr. Phil for it but chickened out when the producer called and wanted me to be on the “Controlling Spouses” episode! I was like, 1. I’m not even a spouse, and 2. you missed the point!
Anyway, if that’s not a wake-up call, I don’t know what is! (pardon the pun)
Post # 5
Maybe you need to think about why you’re feeling this way about the women around him, to the point where you cause him problems at work. If he has a history of cheating, you’d be justified in your feelings, but if not, it’s probably something going on inside you, and only you can figure out what and why.
Like mightywombat said, those women can flirt all they want, but your Fiance isn’t a passive object that they can act on at will. It’s not like he’s a wallet or a car; no one can “steal” a man that doesn’t want to be stolen. He’s an intelligent adult, and he loves you, and he’s been in the same industry you have and seen how the girls act. Jealousy isn’t recognizing and respecting that.
It’s easy to think about logically, but it’s hard to make yourself feel logically. If I were in the same situation, I’d wait until I was calm and talk about my jealousy issues with my partner and try and come up with things I can do to work on the issue and ways my partner can help. As in, not “You’ve got all these girls up on you and fbing you!” but, “When I see a girl all over you or flirting with you on fb, I feel worried and threatened because…” and not “When I get jealous, you need to block the girl on fb,” but “When I feel jealous, I need to…”
It will probably be hard, since it sounds like a big part of his job involves hanging around with beautiful women and maintaining the appearance that he’s sexually available. I hope that helps; jealousy can lay waste to a relationship.
Post # 6
I realise this is an old post but my two cents as an ex nightclub bartender. I am out of the biz but lots of my friends are still in it as bartenders, servers, and promoters like your Fiance.
This is what they do…. Have him set up a ‘business’ FB and a friends and family one. Keep yor personal life and your business side seperate.
Post # 7
Step 1: Stop checking his FB. Ask him to change his pwd and not give it to you. (In your case, ignorance is bliss since you got nothing to worry about in the first place! It seems like you are freaking yourself out on purpose.)
Step 2: Do not go through his phone at all. Please give him some dignity, respect, and privacy. I NEVER go through my FI’s phone. I am not afraid to find anything. I am afraid that the SECOND I do that, I would have belittled him into the same crowd as other men who cannot be trusted. He can be trusted. And it needs to start with ME. (It needs to start with YOU.)
Step 3: Since you guys’ workplace is so volatile, do not discuss your daily doings with each other. Keep it to a MINIMUM. I.e. “How was your day?” “It went fine. I have to go here/there/bla/bla tomorrow.” Then move on to better things. I mean seriously, WHY bring work home in the first place?! If you are frustrated @ your manager or coworker, then get it out of your system, but don’t discuss things just for the sake of discussing. (IF you do that, that is.)
Post # 8
@Oneeleven: I think that is a great idea, good suggestion!
Post # 9
i think maybe you might need to both consider other terms of employment. when my Fiance and i started dating i was bartending (and had been for YEARS). it just got to the point that his feelings were more important (even though he wasn’t ever jealous). i would put myself in his shoes though, and i would hav ehated for him to be behind the bar flirting all the time to make money. maybe you guys could start a company together? that’s what we did 🙂
Post # 10
@Sasha2011: the only thing I would caution about not talking about work is that it could come to be the “elephant in the room” and make things seem more stressed/awkward.
OP, if your Fiance has no history of cheating, no reason to make you think he would cheat, and you think these are just insecurities looming– go out and do something positive. remember how sexy and confident and awesome you are and you’ll stop worrying about having your man “stolen” or something like that. I battle jealousy by constantly knowing I’m awesome and that some other girl being prettier or flirting with my SO isn’t enough to make him totally forget me!