Post # 1
I’ve been with my SO for four years and lived with him for the past one. I am 29 and he is 30. I have been reading the boards for a while and I think I may be the opposite of many people here. Rather than discuss marriage frequently, I have been very tight-lipped about the issue. I brought it up once a little while ago, but that’s it. Tonight I am having a discussion with SO about the future.
I have tenants in the condo I own (I couldn’t sell when I moved in with SO because the market is so bad) that want to renew their lease, so I will have this property on my hands until next August. I guess I just want to get a rough idea of a timeline for our future since this is a big part of it. Mainly, when I want us to be engaged, married, and looking for houses.
My problem is that I don’t really want to sound like I’m giving an ultimatum and I’m not really good with saying how I feel. My silence, although encouraged by Mr. Bee’s plan, seems to be backfiring because I feel like I’m in the dark about his plans. Yes, I know he wants to marry me. Yes, I know he wants to have two kids. Yes, I know he’s saving for a house and doesn’t want to rent this apartment forever. But as far as when he wants these to happen, I have a vague idea.
I already texted him today and just said, “Hey look. I don’t want you to feel ambushed so I’m giving you a heads up. I want to have a discussion tonight about future plans and such.. My tenants deciding to stay another year just has me thinking about things.”
Here’s where I need your help.. As someone that never brings it up, I want to make it sound carefree, but also emphasize that an engagement is important to me soon. How do I do this without sounding pushy? I have to be honest, I’m very tired of calling him my bf. It’s so juvenile. I’m in the stage that I feel like people think our relationship is a joke because we’ve been together so long and aren’t engaged. Enough is enough.
Any helpful tips or rebuttals for when he says “What will change if we’re engaged?” or “It’s just a title..” will be great. I’m bad with expressing my thoughts sometimes…
Post # 3
He wants kids- maybe you should broach the subject around that- how soon does he want them, how long does he want ot be married before having them, how long does he want to be engaged- then do backways math- calculate for him and put it against your current age. If you are older, make a joke out of it— “he he, we better get a move on it due to our age lol”.
Post # 4
Sigh. I will never understand why people think that a lack of communication is more effective than having all the cards on the table. Just be honest with him! Let him know that you’re looking to the future with your condo and that you want a family and were curious what his timeline for family-related stuff was. It doesn’t have to be an intimidating conversation. Marriage success = communication success. Withholding communication about one of the biggest steps you’ll ever take is cutting your relationship off at the knees.
Post # 5
@crayfish: No, I get that. We’ve discussed it, but my issue now is just the timeline of it. I’m just saying I’m not one of the girls that nags about it every week. I don’t want asking for a timeline to seem like an ultimatum. That’s my issue.
Post # 6
Unless you say, “If you don’t X by Y date, then I’m out of here”, then it’s a discussion about a timeline, not an ultimatum talk.
Post # 7
I am not the best at expressing myself sometimes either so I know how you feel. You sent him a text earlier today letting him know that you want to talk about your future tonight so hopefully he has spent the day thinking about it. Whatever you do, don’t leave the conversation tonight without getting all of your questions answered! You said you were looking to get a ‘rough’ timeline from him…I say get a very EXACT timeline from him. Good luck tonight….please let us know how it goes!!
Post # 8
Ok, so it actually went fine. Our timeline for buying houses just depends on the market, so who knows about that aspect. The engagement timeline was the only one that he seemed to have REALLY thought about. I had to stop him though because I want to be surprised. He’s like, “What do you want to know? Want to know the date??” So I had to shut him up. I guess apparently there’s a date……