(Closed) Help with retroactive jealousy

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

I will be very honest with you. I would be worried about marrying  a man with history that suggests that he falls into marriage so easily/quickly. However I think YOUR worry here is that he will compare his marriage with his ex to his marriage to you and think his previous one was better.

Definitely some comparing going on, and I don’t know really what to say that will help as I used to have a similar problem. I think you just have to remember that she is an ex for a reason, and things like the dress and little details of the wedding do not matter when you are comparing with his ex’s wedding.

Post # 3
Member
12261 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, I have no advice about the wedding and how to avoid being seen as the 3rd wife or current wife… but I’m a little concerned that you are moving forward with this wedding not having come to an agreement about children.  That is not a topic to just be set aside imo.  What if he decides, no, he just doesn’t want another child, will you be ok with never having children of your own?

Post # 4
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wholeheartedly agree with 

View original reply
pinkshoes: . Everything else – the insecurity, the past wives, etc., should pass with time, but I paused at the not wanting children part. You really should have an answer before getting married. Your Fiance also sounds impulsive when it comes to making decisions, you should have all the time in the world to decide if he is really the right one for you. In the right relationship there wouldn’t be this much insecurity or jealousy. 

Post # 5
Member
13549 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I see a few red flags that are giving me pause, but none to do with jealousy over the exes. As 

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pinkshoes:  mentions, I am very concerned that you have been arguing over the idea of having children. Do not get married unless you are totally fine with the thought that he may never want them. Since you’ve been actively butting heads over this, this is obviously not true. 

I’m also concerned about the fact that you two are fighting, period.  He’s a two time divorcee and both marriages ended, one and possibly both also due to fighting. You’ve only known him year, so you’re still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Are your eyes open and do you really know this guy, faults and all, well enough to marry him?

Post # 6
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Look, I’m going to be my FI’s 3rd wife also. It’s hard sometimes! But you need to get on the same page as far as what you want out of your relationship (kids, mostly). If you aren’t set on those things, it’s going to be headed in a bad direction. Even worse than being someone’s third wife, is being someone’s third EX wife.

Second, about the jealousy… I would say you already let yourself get in too deep as far as knowing about his past weddings and comparing yourself/your wedding to them. I’ve seen a handful of pictures from my FI’s second wedding, but none from his first, and I like to keep it that way. I don’t go hunting for more pictures. I’m sure they are out there somewhere but if I catch  myself looking, I make sure to check m yself. Do I REALLY want to see that? NO! You need to decide what you want for your wedding and for your FI’s REAL/TRUE wedding. And don’t worry about his “practice” weddings 😉

I would highly highly recommend some pre-marital counseling. We just went through ours and it was infintely helpful. It helped me to understand how seriously my Fiance takes our impending marriage and that divorce isn’t a quick option for him, and with some of my jealousy/insecurity that he’s “been there, done that.” It also helped him with some of his issues (ie, trusting himself to make a good choice of a partner this time around). AND i think counseling could help you settle your unresolved issues with having kids together.

Post # 7
Member
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

 

View original reply
lostinausten:  I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but this is what my husband said to me when I was stressed about a family situation after my wedding : You need better things to think about.

You will never be able to separate the second wife from him because she is part of YOUR family after you get married. It isn’t a competition, even though it might feel natural to think of it that way. Try forming an attachment to her yourself- it would help your future stepdaughter a lot, too, to know that she doesn’t have to tiptoe around the issue of her mother’s existence as she gets older.

The biggest issue, as the PPs have said, is your relationship with your fiance. You two need to figure out how to communicate and sort out the issue of children before you get married. I’m worried that you are attributing some issues to your jealousy that actually have nothing to do with that, and are allowing that more external issue distract you from the more important problems that exist between the two of you.

Post # 8
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee

Well, being a second wife-to-be myself with a stepdaughter, too…I can relate. I don’t care about the ex’s FB page or anything else, though. Was I curious in the beginning? Yes. My Fiance just up and decided one day he had had enough and had divorce papers drawn up after 9 years of marriage/11 years together. He seemed so easygoing, laid back, sweet, etc.–and he is. I just didn’t get it. I wanted to know what would make a man like this leave a long-term situation like that (they owned a house together, had a 3 year old together, families were intertwined, brother-in-law was his best friend). The answer?? He was TRULY unhappy. After hearing her on the phone and seeing her texts, I get it. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt but now I’ve seen too much. He tried to get her to stay in couples counseling (twice), followed what the counselor said (she didn’t want to), and even got back together with her for the sake of trying/his family after a trial separation. He did try for a long time–talked to her about it repeatedly. She would change things a little for a month or two but then go back to yelling at him and being controlling. She never wanted to go out, she only wanted to go to her parents’ house (every weekend and even weeknights). All her friends became HIS friends and still are! They no longer speak to her. In the end, there was no sex whatsoever and you know what that means. It simply didn’t work. The dynamic wasn’t there. Yet…he doesn’t speak ill about her and he admits he checked out about 2 years before he ended it. He owns up to his parts in it. 

My point? There is a REASON he is not with her. It may seem like there isn’t a good one on the surface (they are similar (maybe too similar), similar interests, a shared child, etc.). But there is a reason it didn’t work. It will never work again. So why are you comparing yourself to a failed relationship? It doesn’t matter that his parents adore the ex. My grandparents adored my mother and couldn’t stand my stepmother–and my mother left my father! That didn’t stop my father from marrying and standing by my stepmother (and they’re still together over 20 years later). What matters is that HE adores YOU. I’d like to think he’s made enough mistakes to know very certainly what he wants and what he doesn’t.

But you have to be sure, bee. You don’t want to go into a marriage with doubts–about children, why he’s marrying you, etc. I think you first need to understand that you are the SH*T. He chose you and rightly so! Get that self-esteem up. Then think about all the reasons you know he wants to marry YOU. Are they viable? I know you’re concerned about ending up like the other 2 (although I wouldn’t really put too much emphasis on the 1st)…but don’t be. Different players, different game. 

Post # 9
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry to say bee but there might be a third divorce in his future if you two get married. If you are jealous of his being married previously that is your issue not his. I didn’t date guys with kids or previously married because I didn’t want to deal with the baggage I suggest you do the same if this is something your not able to get over.

Moving a relationship from dating to marriage should be done when the relationship is heathly not when both parties are not on the same page and there is major issues in play.Marriage and kids is not going to make existing issues better it will make them worse really think about if you guys are in a good place to move forward.

Post # 10
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a little concerned with the idea of marrying a guy you met just “over a year ago.” Signs point to there being a pattern, this being his third marriage.

Also agreeing to marry someone when you are not on the same page about children is sure to add a third divorce to his roster.

Your jealousy is troublesome, but it’s something you need to deal with. Who cares if he “said” the same things to her? It’s pretty obvious they weren’t happy because they’re not together anymore. People have pasts. You are going to need to come to terms with it. It has nothing to do with you and him, today. If you find yourself thinking about his other wives, distract yourself.

Focus on making sure your relationship is strong enough for marriage, instead of worrying about relationships that have already failed.

Post # 11
Member
41 posts
Newbee

View original reply
lostinausten:  Bee, some people are going to come onto this thread and be hard on you, instead of giving you some sound advice. From your OP, it’s clear that your soon to be husband has a history–a history meaning two marriages that failed, and from your explanation, it is understandable why they didn’t work out. More importantly, this does not reflect poorly on your SO at all– in the first case, he was young, and in the second, when you have a child, a lot of men try to do what they think is the “right thing” or “honorable thing.” I think your SO unfortunately just got mixed up with women who were not the right fit for him.

I can easily understand why, as this will be your first wedding, and his third– that it is intimidating to say the least. I’m with here Bee, I would be intimidated and fearful too. But, looking at the facts, you mention that your SO reminds and reassures you that you are the right one for him. Sometimes it takes kissing a few frogs to find your prince– or takes kissing a few frogs to find your princess. What I mean is, he has learned from these previous relationships what factors make a marriage work and what factors make a marriage fall apart.

He has a certain wisdom here. Some bees will trash that and say it’s indicative of a larger problem, but I would rather humbly suggest you see it as he has gained wisdom. He knows from his mistakes what works and what doesn’t. I think it might be helpful to take this complicated situation and turn it into a positive–this man understands what it takes to make a marriage work from personal experience. That means that he really knows what marriage to you will mean, and also, more importantly, what you truly mean to him. From your post it is clear that you are marrying for the right reasons, not because you’re both super young or that you are under obligation from a child, etc. etc.– you both love each other for the right reasons.

You seem like a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, you feel sexy, and you are sexy. Be confident in your relationship. He didn’t choose them, he chose you.

Talk to him about how to make it special– see what his ideas are.

 

Good luck, Bee. You sexy thang! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You JUST met a year ago, dont you think you should wait a little more? since he seems to be impulsive about who he marries?

Also, you neeeeeed to be on the same page on whether you want children or not.

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