(Closed) HELP!And how the heck am I supposed to take THAT?!?(LONG)

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Put the brakes on the wedding planning for a little bit and talk to him about the marriage, not the wedding.  Have you considered premarital counseling?  Its designed to make your relationship stronger in preparation of marriage.  And it will be especially helpful to you and your Fiance because he has been married. 

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

((hugs))  Yikes. This is not the kind of conversation you want to have 5 1/2 months out.  That being said, maybe you should have serious…and I emphasize SERIOUS, talk with him.  Getting married because you have a child together doesn’t sound like a good reason.  And he didn’t sound convincing in his answers to you.

Talk with him.  Lay it all out on the table because god forbid if you marry him and then wind up getting divorced, think of all of the time, energy and emotions you could save.  I know you’ve invested money, etc but you should be able to get some of that back. 

Please, please talk w/him. 

Post # 5
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with texasmeredith – you need to discuss the MARRIAGE, not the wedding.  He might be feeling weird about going through the big wedding thing again after having done it.  Think about it from his perspective too – he might be terrified.  Look at what he went through in his last marriage.  It was terrible, who would want to relive that?!  He has a preconceived notion that your wedding will equal that marriage.  You have to discuss rationally that it will not.  Bad experiences happen. but good ones can come of it, which is what you are.  Find out the true root of his fear and go from there.  I truly dont think he dosent want to marry you, or wants to out of obligation, but you have to be sure he realizes that your marriage will not be a reflection of the past.  good luck xoxox

Post # 6
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh yea, we had this converstion as well.  I think they exact words was getting married just felt like an “obligation”

Post # 7
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You guys absolutely have to go to counseling. That is definitely not a good thing to hear from someone you’re about to marry. Does he always say things like that? Is he ever positive about the wedding? He could be stressed, but you two need to work it out.

Post # 9
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’ll be quite candid and honest with you.  My ex-fiance did this, the DAY he proposed.  Like he asked, I said yes, we went to dinner to celebrate and the first thing out of his mouth was “I don’t know if we should get married I think I made a mistake”.  Looking back I pressured him into the engagement. Do you think he feels pressured etc.  What I would honestly tell him is look, I’m going to put all plans on hold for right now, but we can’t continue to live as we are living. I deserve and want to be someone’s wife and if that person isn’t you then we need to begin thinking of the best way to have an amicable split for our son.  He deserves to see his mommy and daddy happy and right now I’m not happy. (Can you tell I’ve had that conversation before?)

Post # 10
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

Well, I’m going to be an echoing voice here – and say talking to him NOW is key. Putting plans on hold for a bit would be a good idea – and during that time the two of you need to sit down and actually discuss the engagement (why?), the wedding (is it maybe just something with the big production he’s now decided he’s not feeling?), and the marriage (this is the most important part, obvs, and you two seriously need to be on the same page with this). You deserve to be happy, so does he, and so does your son. And you need to work out what that means for you guys as a couple, a family, etc.

Good luck – I know this is scary – guys can say silly things once in a while (hey, so can girls) and maybe he wsn’t thinking things completely clearly … but it’s not something you can shrugh off, so work on it now. Let us know how things are going!

Post # 11
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Really sorry to hear about this hun – I’m sure that was the LAST thing you wanted to hear from you Fiance.

That said – I would HIGHLY recommend counselling.  My Fiance and I are taking marriage preparation courses and we are benefitting so much from it.  It’s organized by the parish – and we were half expecting to be preached at in each session, but it’s far from that.  They’ve hired qualified marriage couselors to lead the program, and we have gotten so much out of it.  It’s an opportunity for couples to be honest with each other about things they may or may not have discussed in the past.

Best of luck to you, and a big (((HUG)))

Post # 12
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

(hugs!)  First, I would absolutely get clarification to make sure you are communicating about the same thing– is he hesitant about the wedding, the institution of marriage as a whole or specifically getting married to you?  Importantly, he needs to recognize that for your happiness and for the well-being of your child, he should only be doing this for the right reasons (because wants to!).  Even if communication isn’t one of his strengths, now is the time for him to be upfront and honest. 

My biggest advice is to speak with him and emphasize how important his happiness is to you as well.  If he doesn’t feel judged or like a fight is looming, he might be a bit more forthcoming.  Once you have the truth, you can go from there.  Of course, having a counselor facilitate this process is always a good idea.  Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Go to pre-marriage counseling. Both he and you need to get your feelings out to one another and a counselor can help you do it in a constructive way.

Post # 15
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m going to repeat my advice… and really encourage you to try it out.

Go to pre-marriage counseling. Both he and you need to get your feelings out to one another and a counselor can help you do it in a constructive way.

My Fiance and I are in the middle of our sessions and they are GREAT!

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