(Closed) Help…Do Not Want to be Divorced, but No Other Options!!

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should we get a divorce?
    Yes! : (71 votes)
    49 %
    No! : (73 votes)
    51 %
  • Post # 3
    1177 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    If you have to ask, you probably know the answer…

    Post # 4
    293 posts
    Helper bee

    Can you sit down with him and have a discussion about exactly how serious these problems are to you, before actually considering divorce?  I mean, I’m sure you’ve talked about it before. But maybe he thinks he can keep getting away with it and doesn’t realize how hard things for you and what he is doing to your future together. Maybe he’s just not getting it.

    That said, these issues could certainly become a reason for divorce if he just won’t change and continues to lie/be disrespectful of you… I’m really sorry to hear about it.

    Post # 5
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think you should go to counseling. I also am wondering why you guys don’t have both of your paychecks on direct deposit? That would make it impossible to hide money. Funnel the money into one account that you manage.

    I think him nit being able to pay for dates for you is a little ridiculous after marriage. You could just as easily put him on your credit card account. It’s joint money. I think it should be more about the effort he puts into planning things for the two of you instead of what he is paying for.

    If you guys do financial counseling and get things reined in, I think you can make it. Also, as his wife, you should care more about the reasons behind his actions – and about actually talking and listening to his needs and concerns – than about leaping to conclusions about why he is doing these things. Maybe he is having a crisis of confidence in himself. Maybe he is melting down over what to do with his life. Instead of assuming that he is an incompetent “bump-on-a-log”, maybe you should try and have a more adult conversation about it.

    Post # 6
    1835 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Oh honey, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m going to say a few things and I don’t want you to take them as an attack or anything.

    You say he’s always had money issues. I understand it’s gotten harder and everything but you married him when that problem was around before, did you think it was going to disappear after the wedding? 

    As for the exam and everything you said past the money, I think (since it sounds like affording a therapist is out of the question) you should try to do this:


    See if he’s willing to work on things and if not, I think you know the answer. Marriage is NOT a solo.

    Post # 7
    883 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I agree with counseling first. I think there are a lot of steps that can be taken before divorce. I can’t know exactly what to do in that situation, but crayfish has some great points.

    Post # 8
    3378 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Have you even considered getting some counseling?  These definitely do sound like problems, but I’d talk to him frankly and let him know how much this is affecting you.  If it’s between working on your issues with some professional help and divorce, I’d hope he’d opt for counseling.  If he’s not even willing to work on things, then I’d say divorce would be a pretty clear option.

    Post # 9
    3461 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    It’s great to listen to thoughts and suggestions from commenters because it may provide some perspective, but I don’t think a poll is the right way to make this decision…

    Post # 10
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    That’s tough. But, just because you two are having troubles doesn’t mean you go and get divorced right away, you’ve only been married for 5 months.  You always hear that being married is hard work, and you can’t just run away because of a problem. Sounds like the two of you need to have a long talk about money and how it will be handled.  If needed, speak with a professional. Good luck!

    Post # 11
    293 posts
    Helper bee

    @kay01: Yeah. I think if there was an option “get counseling” it would get the most votes, but there is no such option so I didn’t vote. How can people on the internet decide if they should get divorced or not?

    Post # 12
    1033 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I think we need a little more background here.

    How long were you together before getting married?

    Has he always been irresponsible with money? Did you know this beforehand? Did it bother you before?

    Post # 13
    1314 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I agree that you need to talk to him about what you have said here to us, and then go to couple’s counseling. If you truly love him, I think it’s worth trying to work through with the help of an expert. If that doesn’t work well, then…

    Post # 14
    3142 posts
    Sugar bee


    +1 for those questions and also, how is your marriage otherwise?

    Post # 15
    2496 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    I agree with the PP’s.  I think there are a lot of steps you can take before divorce.  I think you need to go to counseling specifically related to money management.

    With that said, I would encourage you to NOT combine your finances yet.  Don’t add his name to your credit card, and keep your paychecks separate until you get through some counseling and he can prove he will be responsible with money.  You don’t want to be in a situation where you are left with no money or ruined credit if he has access to your money.  Obviously, if counseling works and he realizes that his poor choices are putting your marriage in jeopardy, then you could combine finances.  But, I really wouldn’t now since he’s obviously not handling money well.

    Good luck!!

    Post # 16
    690 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m surprised how many people have answered ‘yes’.  While it sounds like you have a real, legit problem, that could definitely turn into something that people get divorced over.  However, You’ve only been married 5 month.  I think you owe it to your marriage to try and figure out what is really going on, and to see if you can find another solution.

    Counselling sounds like a great idea.  if you told him what a major problem this was (to the point we’re you’re contimplating divroce), do you think he’d be willing to let you fully manage the money?

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