(Closed) Help…Do Not Want to be Divorced, but No Other Options!!

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should we get a divorce?

    Yes!

    No!

  • Post # 32
    Member
    2271 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Husband number 2 was the same way – finacially irresponsible. I hung in there for a while but he was dragging us further and further into debt. I thought I was finacially lax until I married him! It never got better. The harder I tried to get us back into the black, the more he spent and began hiding what he spent from me! I shudder to think where I would be today if I had stayed in that marriage, it took me YEARS to repair my credit!

    Post # 33
    Member
    3482 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Sounds like he needs a cold hard reality check to make him realize that he will lose you if he keeps lying and being an ass about money.

    I’m in the minority but I don’t think counseling will help, at least, not with his current attitude. You’ve warned him that your relationship is in trouble and he’s still sitting on his duff thinking you’re all talk and he doesn’t need to clean up his act. Maybe it’s just me, but I would kick his butt right out of the house so that he a) sees that you’re serious, and b) figures out that without you as his meal ticket, he can’t keep spending the way he does. If he doesn’t do either of those things…well, you have your answer about how invested in your relationship he actually is.

    Post # 34
    Member
    2767 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I’m surprised by the number of yes votes on this poll.  I voted no.  Are you really going to throw in the towel because of financial issues?  Financial issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce, but to me it seems you guys haven’t done anything to fix the problems.  Try going to a counselor, go to a financial advisor, etc.  Completely combine your finances.  Have his paychecks automatically depositied in a joint checking account.  That way he can’t lie about getting extra money, you’ll see it go into the account.  Sit down and plan out how much needs to go to pay off credit cards each month.  In my opinion you two should have talked about all of this before marriage, but just because you didn’t doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it now.  This is not something you should get divorced over right away.

    Post # 35
    Member
    5109 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Im sorry your going through this… I know how this feels and its awful. I have to say tho.. the lying is bad!!! You either need to talk to him, go to counciling or break it off.. I know thats hard though. But I dont think that these money issues are something you should jump to divorce over… You need to let him know your concerns first and see if you guys can work it out..You guys are only 5 months in hes prolly just testing the marriage waters.. not that that is right.. just saying… Good luck hunnie 🙂

    Post # 36
    Member
    785 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I honestly can’t figure out why you would get married in the first place either!  It has only been 5 months since you were married–hadn’t any of this come up before the wedding??

    I can’t really give you a concrete answer.  From what you’ve said, it seems like you want a divorce.  You are asking, but that just makes me think you’re asking for confirmation for the answer you already have, and not for an answer itself.

    Here are your options.

    1.  Go to counseling, try to get things worked out, and go from there.  If you go with this option, there may be a chance of saving your marriage, but from what you’ve written it doesn’t seem to me like you really want to.

    2.  Get the divorce, and end it now.

    I really hope everything turns out the best for you, and that you make the right decision for you.

    Post # 37
    Member
    3456 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @Oribel013690: From what you’ve said, it seems like you want a divorce.  You are asking, but that just makes me think you’re asking for confirmation for the answer you already have, and not for an answer itself.  I would like your post if I could 🙂

    Post # 38
    Member
    2550 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Counseling and go see a financial planner. 

    My Fiance and I discussed early in our relationship about our finances so there were no surprises.  Although we have separate accounts, we each know how much each person makes and our financial obiligations.  I had the finances since I’m a #s person while he is the Saver.  Since he pays for a larger portion of the rent, I pay everything except for the cable bill.  Once we are married, we will look to merge our health and car insurance. 

    Hang in there.  I suggest you talk to other married couples who you feel close to.  Luckily I have 2 close gf that have been married over 10yrs and they have been very honest about their marriages.  I’ve heard and seen The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  And I’m still marrying my Luv this July.

    Post # 39
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    Wow, I just read your second response.  I’m sorry you are going through this.  You are in a difficult situation but I wouldn’t look for divorce yet.  I would try one last attempt to get counseling.  YOU GO GET ONE.  Don’t wait for the one who has repeatedly not listened to you.  If you want see if you can save this marriage, you should take the next step and find and book a session with a marriage counselor.  I know you have done a lot for this relationship already and you may think why do I have to do more.  But if you want to be the one who actually tried to make it work, then that is what I would do.

    Oh, I agree with what @amariem25: said. 

    So, do this and see if it gets him to open up.  I really hope he isn’t using you for your money.  I’m going to hope that there are other issues that can be worked out.  I’m not one for divorce but if this doesn’t work, you may have to start looking at your options. 

    I wish you luck in whatever happens. 

    Oh, and if things go well with the marriage counselor the next step is to see a financial planner to get him to wake up.  Sometimes it’s hard to listen to your significant other, sometimes you need a professional to tell you what to do. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    Miss Wahoo,

    I definitely sympathize. This is a hard thing to go through and I can’t imagine how it is affecting your trust in your husband, BUT … five months ago you made a vow to love this man forever. For better or wose… for richer or poorer. You owe your marriage a shot at success through counseling before throwing in the towel on this. Please try some of the suggestions of other posters and seek advice and counseling… from a financial planner, a pastor, a marriage counselor– if your husband is willing to change, this doesn’t have to be a marriage-ender.

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I wouldn’t presume to tell someone (even my best friend) to divorce her husband.  But the issue seems not to be financial in nature but the fact that he’s a liar and untrustworthy.  And if a counselor can work through the issues to figure out why he’s not able to be honest, certainly work on it.

    But I don’t know how I could trust someone lied to me constantly, had no regard for my feelings and let me down on a regular basis.  it’s a sad story and I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

    Post # 42
    Member
    15514 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Can’t be trusted, irresponsible with money, not reliable… What are some positives about your husband?  I think if he wont (or cant) change his ways… its time to walk, but give him a chance to work things out.

    Post # 43
    Member
    11324 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Okay so he’s bad with money… that I think would be worth going to counseling to try to work through. But he’s been lying to you. That is not acceptable in my book. Based purely on what you told me, if I were you, I would probably cut my losses and leave ASAP. Then I would get to counseling as fast as my feet could carry me because you knew he had issues before you married him and you did it anyways… I’m wondering if you don’t think you deserve someone better? An equal partner? 

    Post # 44
    Member
    50 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I haven’t read the other advice you have been given but i have skimmed them and see a lot about counselling, i disagree. 

    From what you said this isn’t a new thing that has been going on since before you got married. If he has bad credit then he has never really cared about the future. Many people may beg to differ but your credit and the way you spend money is what makes your future enjoyable. 

    Leopards don’t change their spots. It seems to me he is dragging you down and you’ll be paying for it financially forever and if you don’t already resent him you will soon. Good luck whatever you decide.

    Post # 45
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    Okay. Am I the only one who is shocked by how blase some of these comments are about ending a marriage??

     This isn’t just a boyfriend or a fiance. The OP married this man *knowing* that he didn’t support her with the adoption issue, *knowing* he had money/credit issues… I in no way think Miss Wahoo is obligated to stick with him forever if he won’t change and I agree that the lying is a major issue. BUT they have only been in this marriage for 5 months. Doesn’t everyone owe it to a spouse (when there isn’t abuse or cheating involved) to at least give counseling a try before “cutting your losses”? If you loved this man enough to marry him even knowing most of this about him 5 months ago, I think you have to at least give it a try in counseling. If he refuses to go or refuses to change, then at least you know you have given your marriage all you could if you are then forced to divorce him.

    I am just upset by how quickly everyone is saying to just give up and leave.

    Post # 46
    Member
    3635 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    In a relationship you need to play to each other’s strengths. He obviously isn’t good with money, so all money handling should go to you. Try switching the accounts this time and actually make it stick. That will help with problem number one.

    Problem two is his lying: It sounds to me like he is having trouble accepting his new responsibility as a husband, to support, discuss money and help clean if need be. But he can’t let go of his single days, going out with friends and blowing money on an Iphone? That’s very single behaviour to me.

    You need to ask him if he would be willing to see a counsellor. You need to ask him if he wants to work on this relationship.

    He asked you to marry him, you committed to each other in front of all of your family and friends, you need to remember that you did this and why. Try thinking of all your husband’s good points and go from there. You can save this! 

     

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