Post # 62
A few things that may help:
1. Each of you get an “allowance” every paycheck. Fun money that you can’t say anything about how he spends his & he can’t determine what you do with yours. This will help him feel like he still gets to chose how to spend money on splurges/personal things. Kinda went thru something similar. DH was constantly buying DVDs or CDs all the time, yea $5 or $10 here & there can add up VERY fast. It frustrated me beyond belief & after awhile every time he looked at a DVD I got frustrated. Once we started the allowance thing, it changed. I said “ok we each get $25 this week”. One week he spent it all on movies & a few days before payday he was craving fast food. I told him he could spend his allowance on it but he didn’t have anything so I told him he needed to eat food we had at home. After that point he realized something & it changed everything. I never got mad at him for buying DVDs with his allowance & it really helped both of us.
2. Talk to him about why he’s lying about how much he makes. Does he feel he doesn’t make enough, is he afraid he’s going to have to give all of it to bills? Does he feel he’s supposed to support the 2 of you? Finances aren’t my DH strong point but he’s consistantly getting better & better. So I do ALL of the bills. It can get overwhelming at times, but things are getting paid & paid on time. Every month we go over how much we both make, how much we need to pay bills/buy food/gasoline & the rest goes partly to savings & partly to allowances. I took everything over for him, not because I was trying to control the money, but because I am great at finances & so it was helping both of us.
3. Church: I’d ask if they had a marriage support group or something like that. Everyone has different names for it, so you won’t sound silly.
4. Reward systems work. If you guys owe a lot of different companies, every time you pay off something, celebrate. It could be dinner at your fav place, could be going somewhere you both love, could be a special sexytime. Or if he owes a lot to one place, set up goals. Lets say he owes $1000, the first reward occurs when he gets it to $850. 2nd at $550. 3rd $250 & last one when he pays it off. Or could be a reverse, like you’re trying to build up savings. First reward at $150, 2nd $300, 3rd $600, 4th $900, etc… The goal can’t be too far off or it’ll be hard getting started.
5. Do you know what his love languages are?
Post # 63
I think it’s worth giving counseling a shot, at least you can come away feeling like you tried. But my guess is that it won’t have a big impact. A person who thinks it’s OK to lie to your face over and over is lacking in integrity – something a person either has or they don’t. It’s not like he doesn’t know that it’s wrong to lie, and once the counselor tells him that, a light bulb will go off. He already knows it’s wrong and he does it anyway.
If you have to walk away, don’t beat yourself up too much. Yes, you might have had an inkling of these issues before the wedding. Yes, you probably vowed “for better or for worse” and “for richer or poorer.” The way I look at those promises, you’re vowing to stick together and support each other through whatever the outside world throws at you. Not, IMO, to stick together regardless of what one partner does to sabotage and torpedo the marriage. HE is directly causing these money problems when he could choose to act differently. This is not the same thing as a couple having money problems because he got laid off thru no fault of his own, etc. Marriage isn’t supposed to be a life sentence. Maybe you made a mistake getting in. But maybe it would be another mistake to keep sticking it out rather than changing course for yourself.
Pick a couples counselor on your own since he hasn’t done it. Give him a chance to do better. If there’s no meaningful change, and you find out more lies, just get out.
Post # 64
I have never advised anyone to divorce (not even my best friend with a cheating husband that doesn’t help at all with housework) but after I read all your posts, I picked the divorce option.
First of all, I can not imagine that anyone would marry knowing they’re marrying an idiot. So, please don’t beat yourself up for marrying him in the first place! He’s a liar that doesn’t seem to be taking marriage seriously. He shouldn’t be treating anyone the way he’s treating you and I don’t just mean financially! But the financial problem is a big deal!
My father was totally irresponsible with money. He made a lot more than my Mom but she had to work longer and harder because of him. He had gotten her in so much debt and it was all purely his and most of it was hidden. If my Mom didn’t divorce him when she did, I am 100% confident that she would have lost her house!
Divorce is a tough decision but remember that marriage takes TWO. If he refuses to work on your marriage, then there isn’t much option.
Wishing you the best!
Post # 65
Wow! I totally sympathise with your situation, this must be soo hard and there is no excuse for his behaviour – neither the lying or the lack of commitment to working at the marriage.
This is a decision only you can make, however i am voting no. Because when you got married i am sure you meant it for the long haul. i hope no one gets married thinking ‘i’ll see how it goes, theres always divorce!’. Marriage is hard, you have to work and learn together how it works. You guys made promises to each-other five months ago, one of those promises most likely included the clause ‘for better for worse, for richer for poorer’- i’m afraid here is where living out that promise becomes difficult.
Admittedly he is not holding his end of the bargain either but you guys are married now. Its not a relationship just hasn’t worked out, which is why i think working on your problems is the best solution. So many Bees have suggested counselling. Also is there a male figure in his life, preferably married, who he trusts and who would be willing to give him a kick in the right direction?
Post # 66
I would not throw in the towel after only 5 months. Try counseling. Maybe he’s just going through emotional stuff right now which is why he may come off like “not caring” about the GMATS and stuff like that. I would also get direct deposit or have him show you his paycheck each week. It’s not you trying to control him, he may say that, but you need to explain to him that hes lied in the past about money and trust has to be number one in a marriage. Also, you knew about these issues BEFORE you married him. GL!!
Post # 67
Councelloing would be the only option that I can think of. Also, if you make 2x what he makes then in my opinion you should pay for 2x of the things he does. If you want everything to be separate and you don’t want to take his debt on then you shouldn’t be married. These things (money and finances) are so important– you should have known this and discussed this BEFORE you got married. I don’t think you should talk to a church minister, you need a real cousellor.
Post # 68
Still praying for you and your husband– any progress on asking the church for therapist recommendations or talking to your husband about going?
Post # 69
Ok…I really don’t want to be rude and insensitive, but why did you marry him in the first place? Think about it…why? In the past 5 months has he turned into a completely different person or something cuz it sounds like you knew who he was before you even got married. Did you ever think that maybe he’s hiding things from you and ‘telling you he studied’ for that test because he didn’t want you getting upset with him/being disappointed in him etc?
Seriously it kinda makes sense because your talking about divorce because for a few months he’s been hiding things from you……like don’t you think your jumping the gun here, cuz it sounds to me like you think marriage is easy and your being the typical person who when it gets hard is running away, and IMO that’s worse than what he’s doing to you.