Post # 1
I asked one of my friends to help out at the wedding, she plans one event (sort of), buys me some flowers, and chips in with another girl to get me some lingerie, despite me asking for no gifts. She wanted to get me a gift anyway? Cool!
I also gave her name to one of my friends who was planning my bridal shower as someone to turn to since she did such a great job on the first event, and seemed to really enjoy planning it. Since she was doing this, I decided to get her a nice set of $60 Swarovski earrings for her troubles.
I found out later that she totally ignores the girl’s requests to help out and then flakes out on the bridal shower the morning of by calling me at 8am because she’s “still on vacation” – and I found out when I arrived, that the bridal shower would cost each person $10-12 to attend. Her family owns does real estate and she doesnt work as an adult…
So I logged into my registry today to get a head start on thank yous, and she bought me the absolute cheapest thing on the registry (that’s left…) using a corporate discount, which brings her grand total to ~$12 on a wedding gift after I buy her and her boyfriend that I don’t like a $150 steak dinner at our wedding PLUS the $60 gift on top of this.
I haven’t invited her to the rehearsal dinner yet, but I was originally planning to and give her the gift as a sign of my gratitude. But right now, i’m feeling less than gracious. I don’t know if I shoudl withhold the gift because she doesn’t deserve it or to give it to her to make her feel badly. Or if I should also spend $15 when she gets married and see how she feels.
To slightly complicate matters, there’s a second girl who was also askd to help plan event 1, and assist with event 2 and did things really well. She even showed up to the bridal shower. So i got them the same gift assuming they would be deserve it equally…
What should I do?
Post # 3
that’s a very generous gift for someone who has done nothing. can you wait until after the wedding to see if she deserves the gift?
as for her $15 gift, maybe she has gone off of registry and bought you something else? or perhaps she is making you something? you never know until you open it.
Post # 4
I don’t know. I personally don’t base my gifts based on how much I recieved back. If you going to be upset/bitter/frustrated by her gift then just save yourself the headache/bad feelings and don’t give her the gift.
Post # 5
I just bought a gift off a registry for $100 I paid $30. Am I cheap? Maybe- does it matter WHAT I PAY? No I happen to have a discount and a coupon.
Post # 6
I’m a confussed. How do you know what she bought you already? Maybe she purchased something else as well?
Post # 7
If you’ve not given her the earrings yet, maybe she thinks she’s done enough and that you’re not planning on thanking her for her previous help? And I’m not sure if she’s familiar with the costs of weddings, but I certainly wasn’t aware of/didn’t fully appreciate the costs behind feeding me as a guest until I started planning my own wedding. Maybe she doesn’t fully appreciate the financial aspect.
As for the other girl who helped, maybe return the earrings and get two smaller gifts to give to each of them?
Post # 8
I agree with others who say see how you feel after the wedding—if she deserves the gift, give it to her. if not, don’t
Post # 9
You said your gift to her was “for her troubles” but it doesn’t sound like she went through much. I think this shouldn’t be about what she bought off your registry, but rather, that she didn’t actually help and flaked on your shower. It seems she doesn’t deserve your generous gift but perhaps a card instead so your sentiment of gratitude for what little she did do is still there. Save the gift for someone who really went through troubles to help you out. Regarding the other girl who helped, give her gift to her separately and privately.
Post # 11
I’m confused too … she got you lingerie and got a gift off your registry even though you didn’t want a gift … but now you’re upset that she didn’t spend or do enough to merit a gift you’re thinking of giving her?
A gift should be something that you’re happy to give someone, not a transaction. If you don’t feel like giving her the earrings, fine, but the calculus behind this whole thing makes me uncomfortable.
Post # 12
@floufy Truthfully, unless she’s a hired, paid planner, you have no right to ask her to plan events for you. Complaining about what she spent on your gift sounds petty.
And this: I don’t know if I shoudl withhold the gift because she doesn’t deserve it or to give it to her to make her feel badly. May be one of the pettiest things I’ve ever heard.I realize that you’re just venting and that isn’t your intent, but I’d suggest you step back and look at how this post makes you sound.
Post # 13
Do yourself a BIG favour…
STOP KEEPING SCORE !!
This is not a competition… this is your life.
YOUR Wedding is a small part of that life… and definitely more important to you than it will ever be to anyone else (except for your Hubby-2-B)
It doesn’t matter what anyone spends on you… you don’t owe them anything, they don’t owe you anything. You invite folks to your Wedding because you want them to share in your happiness… bringing a gift is not expected, and it sure has heck shouldn’t be compared against what you paid out for them to come… or even a measurement of how much you all like each other.
Everyone’s lot in life is different, everyone’s financial situation different (what does it matter if her Parents sell real estate… you have no idea if they pay her to help out in the family business or not… in some families such things are “expected”)
Honestly, if you continue to go thru life like this, and be so judgemental of others you will find that life is a HUGE disappointment because not a lot of folks are going to live up to YOUR expectations of them (also will cause you to have way more stress, confrontations and loss of friends / thereby enjoyment of life)
Live and let live.
Try to focus on what makes getting married to your Honey important… it really isn’t the rehearsal dinner (and who is there) or what you got as a gift, or if you give her something or not (although I thought that was a very kind gesture on your part because you did say that she was awesome planning an event for you… that takes a lot of work, and she was pulling for you)…
And well quite frankly, NO ONE has to do anything for YOUR Wedding except for you… as to why she didn’t do more for the Shower is anyone’s guess. Maybe she didn’t feel up to it, or the vibe between the two ladies wasn’t working, or she honestly had a vacation on her calendar… I mean gee whiz you don’t get to decide for her… making such demands and you are going a bit Bridezilla here
Take a deep breath… relax. Focus on something else than this poor girl, and what really is a non-crisis.
Post # 14
I don’t know if there’s something else you’re not telling us about this girl, but it sounds a little gift grabby.
She didn’t help at the shower at all, or attend which hurts considering she didn’t communicate that she wasn’t going.
Considering what she has done, I wouldn’t give her a gift. A thank you card or small token gift for the first event would be appropriate, don’t do anything extravagant.
The thing that confuses me is that you are judging what you should give her based on what you think she is gifting you for your wedding. Give in accordance to the assistance she has given, not what you THINK she is giving you.
Post # 15
I don’t get it either. Are you complaining that she didn’t get you a nice enough shower gift? Or wedding gift? Even after planning another wedding event and getting you a gift for that? How do you know what she got you based on the registry? And so what if she got a discount? People do that ALL THE TIME.
Regardless of all of this, your gift to her is a thank you for all of her help and should not be based what so ever on what she got you and how much money she spent on you. It would be very shallow to do so. She did help plan a wedding event right? So you really should get her something. Gifts are not tit for tat!!!!
As far as the bridal shower goes, did she offer to help or did you just volunteer her? She isn’t required to help or attend your bridal shower and I think being on vacation is an acceptable reason to miss it. Also, what on earth does guests having to pay $10-$12 to attend the bridal shower and her parents’ occupations have to do with anything?
Don’t be so petty. Invite her to the rehearsal and give her a thank you gift.
Post # 16
I’m confused, what is a ‘helper’? Isn’t that what your bridal party is for?
It seems to me like this girl wasn’t asked to be in the wedding, but was asked to do some legwork, helped plan an ‘event’ (I don’t know what that means) and chipped in on a gift for said event even though you didn’t ask for one. Am I missing something? Sounds like she has done MORE than her share, she’s not obligated to do a thing for your shower so you cannot get upset about that. If she’s away on vacation and can’t come to the shower, you also can’t get upset about that…her life and vacation is going to come before yours, I’m sorry but it’s true. Especially since she isn’t even in your bridal party. And as for the steak dinner you spent $150 on, it was YOUR wedding…you chose to spend that much per person, not this girl or any of your other guests. You can’t judge a GIFT that someone gives to you based on what you decided to pay for your wedding.
I guess I’m just confused by this whole post?