I feel like we are in similar situations. I’ve been married for just 2 months but we dated for 5.5 years before we got married. In my husband’s mind, “we have plenty of time” to grow into adults and have children. The reality is: he will be 39 in January and I’m 36. I’ve already been told by doctors that we may have difficulty getting pregnant and that we *should have” started trying to concieve before we got married. When I told him about my medical issue (3.5 years into our relationship) he freaked out (to put it mildly) although he can’t explain why. Eventually he calmed down and we decided to stay together but he didnt propose for another year, after we both started premarital counseling and I threatened to leave 2 times.
Before our marriage our agreement was that we would wait to “try” for children until we got married but, once married – children were to be our primary goal. After we got married he started talking about how he wanted to buy a house first and to grow our savings first and go on a trip to Europe first (he’s already traveled the world so it’s not like this is a first trip abroad for him). Essentially, he wants to put off having a family because “we have plenty of time”.
I stood my ground and said “no, that wasnt our agreement” and he, once again, agreed that we could “try” to concieve… for about a month…
After a visit to my doctor a few weeks ago, she advised me to purchase ovulation kits and if we are unsuccessful using these kits after 6 months she would refer us to a fertility specialist. I bought the tests, discussed the process with my husband and his response was “can’t we just ‘try’ to get pregnant without using the predictor tests?”. I explained to him our limited chances of getting pregnant and the necessity to start at least trying so that we can get referred to a specialist sooner rather than later. We discussed that homes and trips can come later in life but we only have a small window to have children. At the end of the discussion we agreed I’d buy the tests.
I started the tests 2 weeks agon and last week when one of them showed me that I was ovulating, I discussed it with him – in the interests of full disclosure and as equal partners. I just figured it was only fair to include him in the process as my husband and equal partner in life. He freaked out and said he felt too much pressure with the tests and didnt want to have sex.
I told him our marriage was over because I feel he sold me a “bill of goods” that never existed. Essentially, he misled me into marriage, claiming to want the same things because he didnt want me to leave. He figured I’d change my mind after marriage.
This is a man that had me get rid of 75% of my stuff before we got married because he claimed I had too much stuff. Now, when I look around our apartment I see nothing of me in it. What little stuff I have is in closets. I live in HIS life, with HIS things, and when I come home, I never feel at home.
I’m a very independent person and I refuse to lose who I am in order to remain married. I’d rather have a TRUE partner who feels comfortable in allowing me to express myself and who ACTUALLY shares the same life goals. We MAY go to counseling again, but I’m not sure I want to waste anymore of my time with him.
You need to listen to your instincts and do what you feel is best for you. If you are willing to compromise on having a family, then you two can probably work this out. Maybe joint counseling AND individual counseling would be the best.
Good luck to you.