(Closed) Help…Im having second thoughts…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Aubree:  

Are you not excited about the wedding planning process and everything that goes into it, or are you not excited about the thought of being married?

Post # 5
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sounds like you’ve been doing a LOT, especially given that you’re coming out of a really busy semester.  What does your Fiance do to help around the house?  Can you talk to him about how overwhelmed you feel and ask him to do more?

Post # 6
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s easy to feel underwhelmed when you’re feeling so overwhelmed. Does that make sense? You get so tired to the point that you just don’t care anymore. I’ve felt that way before in many different situations. I am newly engaged as of last weekend, so I am certainly still in the exitement phase. I’m sure I will face stresses as they come. I was actually engaged once before and decided to call it off midway through the planning process. (long story). I knew something was wrong when I was more excited at the thought of planning the wedding than I was at the thought of being married. I couldn’t string it along anymore and decided to end it, as hard as it was. Keep in mind though, calling off an engagement is a lot easier than going through a divorce. I’m not advising you to do what I did, but I do think you have to listen to your heart. Don’t base your actions on feeling tired and overwhelmed. That will pass. But if you truly feel that your Fiance is not the one and don’t look forward to your future together, then I would do some reconsidering. I think you need to sit down and talk with him. Communication is so important. Maybe the way he responds will help reassure you of what you’re feeling.

When I called off my first engagement, I thought I would never move on from it or be as excited about planning a wedding again. Truth is, I’m even more excited now because there’s not a single ounce of doubt inside me that says I’m not marrying the right person. I can’t imagine not being excited to spend the rest of my life with my fiance.

I will send positive vibes your way and hope for the best outcome!

Post # 7
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Aubree:  Wow- you need to breathe.. and remember the whole “cold feet” deal. If you are overwhelmed, ask for help. If you feel lazy, get off your butt. If you just don’t wanna (blank), then don’t. It’s May. And while you have a lot to do, take a week and breathe. Just don’t let the week turn into a month. This stage in your planning is similar to what happens when a woman is pregnant. There is a point in which we go “really?!?!” Then at the last month, we all hit the grindstone. Hang in there. Ask him to help with the small stuff. And remember, what you do now with your Fiance sets the tone of your marriage. Its fun to cook, clean and be in control. However, you are going to need to stop playing wife long enough to let him play the attentive husband. 

Post # 8
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Aubree:  Oh, and btw: there hasn’t been a honeymoon phase yet 🙂 There has only been the engagement phase. You might live together, but marriage does change things. The excitement does come back. 

Post # 9
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

When I’m feeling a bit off and overwhelmed, I listen to dance music that I know will get me moving. It makes the chores go by so much faster and my Fiance loves to see me dancing around while cooking. Seriously, it’s pretty hysterical. You have to force yourself to do it, but it’s great and it will motivate you to do it more.

You could do the same thing with your Fiance. Have you picked a first dance song? How about “practice” slow dancing to it. I get giddy with excitement when I heard the song play. It instantly reminds me that weddings are more than planning.

Post # 11
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Aubree:  I’m getting married in less than 2 weeks and I need to tell you I felt the exact same way as you. I was NOT excited about planning AT ALL, and I constantly felt bad about not being excited about the “big day.” I am just not the wedding-planner type. I love my fiance, I do the cooking and the cleaning and I work full-time and we’ve lived together for a couple years.  I’m a busy woman, I don’t really have the time to plan an epic event, how am I supposed to be excited about more work?

It was a hard few months, I felt the kind of tired you described – just exhausted.  My advice: as long as you know you love your man, and if you’re sure you want to go ahead with the wedding production, do the following:

1- delegate.  I asked my parents, my fiance, and bridal party to help out with things and when each thing was completed, I felt a little weight lift off of me. And try to get him to take up some of the cooking and cleaning to take some pressure off you.

2 – be realistic.  I tried doing a dozen things a day and I wouldn’t get them all done.  Keep a really balanced schedule and do one to three things per day.  Get lots of sleep.  And also be VERY realistic about finances, I got some bad surprises when I was booking flowers and photos.

3 – If you’re like me, then you don’t have too much money.  But if you DO, then totally look in to hiring a wedding coordinater.  They will do everything for you for a price.

Not all girls are wild about their wedding day – and it’s really ok.  If you’re set on a wedding, then find things that excite you, that represent you and your fiance (I love offbeatbride.com myself).  For me, it all turned out ok in the end, despite all the stress – I’ll be happy when the day is here, but I’ll be EXTATIC when it’s over and life can get back to normal.

And really, If you haven’t sent out invitations yet, there really is no reason you can’t push the date back a little – or elope!

Post # 12
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Be very, very careful.  I was a girl who never thought about a wedding, and was okay with eloping, and thus thought it was fine that I wasn’t excited.

Less than two years into the marriage, my husband left me.  When I look back, I know that my reticence was due to the HUGE red flags I was ignoring.  I wasn’t surprised when he left, but I could have saved myself a world of heartache if I had listened to my own apathy on the front end.

Take time to figure this out.  I know you feel pulled ahead by the momentum you’ve begun, your family’s excitement, and his, but as another poster said, it is far easier to call off an engagement than a marriage.

If he loves you, he will truly listen and wait.  But be clear as to the WHY, and expect a painful reaction from him at first.

I knew my spouse for less than a year before we got married, so your situation might be totally different.  One principle is the same: you SHOULD be excited about marrying the man to whom you are about to dedicate your life.

My ex-husband was very perceptive.  While he would later use this in hurtful ways, he and I had a very bizarre conversation a few weeks before the wedding where he basically just said, “Do you need to slow down?”

I was having weird feelings … not bad, not negative, not even panic … just an uneasiness.  I didn’t listen, went whole-hog ahead, didn’t enjoy the wedding day even though my spouse did and I had some very happy moments, and am now divorced at 26.

You will never make a more important decision.  Unless you want to curse yourself from the beginning, make sure that you are 100% certain.  It is the HARDEST thing to do–step back when you had envisioned a certain future, and make the harder choice–but I PROMISE you, if you DO figure out later that it was the RIGHT choice, you will be SOOOOOOOOOO grateful.

P.S.  I am now more excited than ever for my future wedding.  I know what the real thing should look like.  DO NOT SETTLE for second best, even if it’s only in your heart!

Post # 13
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 

@Aubree:  I LOVE my Fiance but sometimes I feel like I want to call off, not because I don’t love him or want to get married but because it’s alot of stress to plan a wedding. I’m in school full time and have a four year old and I get overwhelmed. Some days I consider canceling everything and just going to city hall!

Try what I do and take a break. I took most of march and april off to enjoy my birthday and sons birthday. I planned hard core for a couple weeks and got invites ready to mail out and now I’m taking a short break until June. It refreshes me and then when I go back into it I feel more excited.

Post # 14
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Maybe you could hire a wedding planner? That would help with the stress I’m sure. He/she could suggest different options and you’d just approve or disapprove, sounds a lot less stressful.

Anyways, maybe you two should go on a weekend vacation and turn off your cell phones and just spend time together. It may help to clear your head and remind you why you were excited before and it may give you the push you need too.

Post # 15
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

@Aubree:  You know, I’m pretty young, so I’m just passing along some advice my mom always gave to me: don’t play house. Cooking and cleaning is not what defines you as a wife. Not trying to be rude, but my mom was adamant that that shit gets old reeeeal quick. Part of your anxiety may be the realization that after the wedding it’s going to be real life again. You work AND go to school – he should be doing at least half of that stuff.

Post # 16
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I have been living with my fiance for about a year and a half, and at first I loved decorating and keeping things organized,etc. but it absolutely gets old, and he fell into a routine of “oh, okay, she’ll take care of all of this.” Then I was getting mad at him for not helping, or not doing a chore the second I asked him. We talked about it finally, and now on Friday I’ll write out a list of all the stuff we need to do (sweep/mop/clean the fridge/wash the windows/grocery shop/whatever) and tell him to pick half. We haev the understanding that before the weekend is over, the list will be done. Sometimes it’s done on Saturday morning, sometimes Sunday night. Communication is key… and Men, as much as we wish they were, aren’t mind readers and not nearly as perceptive as women. They need to be led to the answer that will make you happy! just remind him… Happy Wife=Happy Life! 😉

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