(Closed) helping a friend through an abusive relationship…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You just have to be “done.”  I know, not helpful, but that’s what it is.  You have to find your self esteem.  You have to know that you did everything you can.  You have to come to the realization that HE IS WHO HE IS.  You can’t change him.

Post # 4
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

 my sister has been in a few relationship like this whether they be physcially, mentally or emothionally abusive. bottom line is she wont leave until she is ready to – all you can do is be there for her as a friend. I would always tell my sister how she deserves better and how there are men out there that arent controlling or abusive but again, they wont leave until they have had enough. Luckily for her she is a strong person and even thoughs he allowed herself to be treated that way there was a point in time wher she became fed up with it and finally left. its unfortuante because people tend to stay in these relationships a lot longer than they should, its really sad.

i know for a fact people like that dont change, he may not do it again for a while even years but i would put money on it that it will happen again.

 

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@iheartnerdyboys: Prior to Darling Husband I was in a relationship that ended just like this one. We owned a condo together and had been together for a little over 2 years.  I can honestly say that he was probably my first real love. We had discussed getting married in our future and what not.  Then we had a circumstance and it totally freaked him out and he went crazy on me.  It was pretty rough.  I left that night and vowed to never speak to him, but because of the condo and other dual owned property that wasn’t really an option.  He apologized and he was a good guy and we never really had any issues prior to this.  I eventually forgave him and I still had such big feeling for him that sometimes I would contemplate going back to him. We would still spend time together and hang out. I kept it secret from almost everyone, because I knew how mad people would get.  Eventually, I realized that I couldn’t really date a person like this, because everyone knew what had happened. This is sad to say, but if I hadn’t told everyone about what happened, I probably would have went back to him. I needed to figure it out on my own time and no matter what anyone said it wasn’t going to change my feelings for him. Obviously, looking back on it I think I was stinking crazy, and I’m so glad that everything has worked out for me, but it took only me to get to that point.

Post # 6
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I spent eight years in a marriage that had every abuse that you could possibly imagine. When people hear about what happened to me, they are shocked because I am not a pushover. I am outspoken and don’t tolerate a bunch of bullshit.

I have been blessed that through protection orders (I have three in three different courts: family, criminal and through the parole board) I haven’t had to deal with him in anyway. We have a child together that I am sure will be an issue at some point but for now, we are free of him.

You need to know that she will not leave until she is ready to do so. Give her your shoulder to cry on, support her and always make sure that she knows that if she needs you, you will be there. If she needs out, you will go and help her get out. That you will stand by her side, no matter what. I didn’t have that until I actually left and I would have done anything to have someone say that to me.

She may deny anything that he is doing that is abusive but just ensure that she knows that you will be there. There’s nothing more that you can do. Never ever judge her for her decision or you risk losing her friendship and then she will feel so incredibly alone. Trust me, I know.

 

Post # 7
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I was in a ten year abusive relationship.  I wish beyond wish that I had left and never looked back after the first incident.  My loyalty and love was manipulated and exploited to the point that I lost the ability to trust my feelings or listen to my intuition.  I forgot how to care for or protect myself, and was made to feel guilty for wanting to do so.  There is no answer but to leave, leave now and not have any contact with him.  It’s also the most difficult thing to do. My life was forever changed by the time I spent with him and I will not ever be the woman I was becoming before our relationship became violent.  I don’t say this to feel sorry for myself, but to try to convey how deeply the experience has affected me.  His feeling remorse is not a sign that he’s changing, or learning from his behavior… it is part of a cycle that will repeat itself many times over. 

All you can do is be there for her.  Open your door every time.  Be the safe place she can go.  Talk as gently as possible about how you feel, be honest.  If she’s willing, help her speak to a local women’s shelter.  It sometimes takes many, many attempts for a women to finally leave the relationship.  But, having a strong support system can make a huge difference.  Don’t let her become isolated from you~ don’t threaten or try to force her to leave.  Offer to help her pack everything, move everything… answer every concern she may have (those financial concerns) with whatever help you are able to offer. My best friend drove across the country in the middle of the night, with boxes and packing tape to help me leave. 

Getting involved in theraputic activities, like art classes or yoga, where she will stay busy, meet new people, and find a supportive outlet for her feelings is a good idea too. 

Finally, I’d suggest she needs to report it. It’s not just about punishing him.  It’s about standing up for herself and saying, “I don’t deserve this.” 

 

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