(Closed) Helping a single friend deal with engagement.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ohh that sucks. I am sure your friend is torn – she is wanting to be excited for you but at the same time mourning the loss of her relationship.

When you next get some time with her alone, I would take the time to reiterate how special she is and that you want her as your Maid/Matron of Honor, but take the time to ask her how she is doing and if this is all too much for her? Dont be offended if she says yes though!

I am sure she is really excited for you though and will keep her feelings of sadness aside.

Post # 4
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

@MissPatience:  I definitely have advice.

I had the EXACT same thing happen to me a few months ago when I announced my engagement. A close friend called me at Xmas crying, saying “everyone is engaged but me (and her and bf have been together over 6 yrs)” and if YOU get engaged before I do I will be so pissed”.

So when I got engaged I was really worried, and wrote her a note to express how I was feeling, saying I have been thinking of her…etc, and wanted to know how she was doing and that I was worried about her as I know I got engaged and I dont want her to feel upset.

She shot back with “I am fine, and if you think I am upset then you dont know me very well at all…I am so happy for you two and cant wait to help out”

Since I stuck my foot in my mouth and tried to address the elephent in the room, she has been a bit more distant, for sure. I think I actually made it worse, when  Iwas trying to help. So do anything but what I did, please ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Besides, friends are happy for you and I spent a long time watching other girls get engaged and married around me and I was honestly happy for them, even if I was single and miserable at the time. Got my mind off of my world for a bit.

 

But that’s me…good luck and you are a good friend for thinking of her ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

Congratulations!!

Ugh. What difficult timing! It is great that you are so concerned about your friend. 

How has she been doing with everything? Is she holding up okay? Before tomorrow night, I would call her just to talk and see how she is feeling/coping with all of the changes.  Make sure she knows that you care about her and that you are concerned about her well being. I think it is important to gently acknowledge that while this is a happy time for you, it might not be one for her personally – after this, let her talk and see what she says.

Tell her that eventhough you are now engaged, you will be there for her when/if she needs you.

She is probably feeling very conflicted – joy that you are getting engaged (I’m sure she loves you just as you do her) but this may stir up pain that she is just beginning to heal from.  If I were her, I would put on a happy face on the outside but go home and cry – this is probably unavoidable. I think she will feel better knowing how much her happiness means to you and that you are being conscious of her situation as you go through this process.

Of course, this is also a time for you to enjoy! Enlist plenty of support so that as Maid/Matron of Honor she will not be overloaded with work and can just be there to experience the process with you as best she can.

Good luck! 

Post # 7
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

I would just invite her over for dinner and drinks and let her know that there is no one else you want at your side other than her because she means soo much to you. I can tell  that you are great friends because you are actually concerned about how she feels! ๐Ÿ˜€

Congratulations and I hope everything works out for all of you!

 

Post # 8
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MissPatience:  she seems like a true friend, from your latest update ๐Ÿ™‚ and you too!

Post # 9
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

@MissPatience: Don’t beat yourself up for being happy while other people are sad. She knows it isn’t your fault that things happened the way they did – it’s not like she would want you to say “no” to your proposal to show solidarity with her. If your roles were reversed, I’m sure you would want to support her through this happy time, even if you were heartbroken.

This isn’t the same thing, of course, but I got together with my boyfriend just as my best friend’s 2-year relationship with her ex-boyfriend was coming to a close. I was falling in love with a great person, while she was coming to realize that things with her guy were not going to work out. I spent hours on the phone with her as she went through the breakup and its aftermath, but she still wanted to know how I was doing, and to hear about my new boyfriend. A true friend will be happy for you no matter what’s going on in her life, and it sounds like your BFF is a true friend.

You can’t take away the pain she is going through, and she would be hurting even if you weren’t engaged. I think the best thing you can do is to be supportive of her and be there for her, while still going on with your life. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being glad that you get to start your new life with your fiance. And helping you plan your wedding might even be a good distraction (and, when she is ready, a great opportunity for her to meet some of your FI’s eligible friends.) 

Post # 10
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I know as a long-time waiter with all but one friend married or about to be, being asked to be a MoH would have gone a long way to making me feel ‘choosen’ and like someone values me. Also, it’s a nice way for her to be able to take part in planning a wedding, even if it’s not yet her own.  Someday it will be, and in the meantime, she won’t ahve to pretend NOT to be intersted in wedding things if he has a job to do – a legitimate reason to be doing wedding stuff, even if you are not the bride, helps.  

Post # 11
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I’m not engaged yet, (the ring has been purchased….He is a planner, so I am waiting patiently for something I know he has planned).

 

BUT…I have had pretty much the same thing happen to me.  My best friend in the whole wide world was dating her boyfriend pretty much since I met her back in 2001. And I have also been miserably single that entire time.  They got engaged in 2008.  Then the waiting… things kept getting pushed back… are we gonna pick out dresses? What about planning?  Their wedding just kept getting moved back and back for various reasons (for which I didn’t find out until later…were more because of relationship issues).

Well, last year he cheated on her.  The very same month my now boyfriend asked to officially be my girlfriend (it was a surprise with a dozen roses… my middle name… yay).

I have been feeling guilty ever since.  It is like we have exchanged places.  Not that I want to change back!  I am so in love.  But it hurts to see her hurt.  I am NOT looking forward to the day I tell her we are engaged.  

Post # 12
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m in a similar situation. My Maid/Matron of Honor has been with her Boyfriend or Best Friend for 8 years, and I know she really wants to get engaged/married. I hate to bring up wedding things, but she’s my MOH- I sort of have to at some point. I came right out and said that I’m not trying to rub anything in her face, but I would like to talk to her about some things wedding related every once in awhile. We’re pretty open, so it wasn’t a huge issue, but I still feel guilty about wanting to vent about the budget or any other thing since it feels like rubbing it in her face that my problems are about a weding. For now, I’m sort of leaning on my married friends for ideas or to vent about anything. They understand a little better what I’m going through. So, I’m still talking to her about it, but I’m also talking to married ladies as well. Maybe you could do something like that?

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