(Closed) Helping a very stubborn friend through depression/bi-polar? Sorry, long post

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You haven’t been insensitive, first of all. It sounds like she needs better professional help – if her meds aren’t working, they need to be adjusted until she finds a better balance. I’d almost say she needs to come off all her meds and start fresh.

i have more thoughts but I’m on my phone – I’ll come back when I have a real keyboard!

Post # 3
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

OK, now I’m on a computer and can type a lot more easily.  The gist of what I want to say is this: you cannot be or hold yourself responsible for her happiness.  That puts you in a position of being her emotional crutch which is going to be damaging to your mental health as well – because if she is not happy, you will feel that it’s your fault.  You’re not a therapist or trained counsellor (apologies if you are but you didn’t mention it!) who is outside the situation and won’t be personally affected by it – it will weigh you down.

My advice is this: the way to help her is in a PRACTICAL way.  Can you help her look for a new doctor who might be able to sort out her meds so they work better?  Find a list of counsellors and help her screen them to find someone she clicks with?  I think the biggest thing of all though is while I said you can’t be responsible for her happiness, you can help to keep her living life.  Go out for coffee with her, go to the movies with her – and if she says she doesn’t want to go, do everything you can to persuade her to go out – that’s not her saying she doesn’t want to, it’s the depression.  Have a girly spa day, go and get manicures if that’s your thing, or even just take dinner round to her place and share it with her.  If she’s offering to help with the wedding, take her up on it – that will take her out of herself which will help.

Post # 4
Member
5052 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
saccarabird :  

She needs help that you can’t give to her. She sounds like she could have borderline personality disorder as well. (She sounds a lot like my sister, luckily my sister has been receiving professional help for years for bipolar AND personality disorder)

She is very toxic and I admire your drive to try and keep the relationship and fix your “wrongdoings”. With someone like this, nothing you do will ever be right. You can be perfect in every way and she will still be this way.

She needs professional help. If she refuses to help herself, there’s nothing you can do. As hard as it is, if she refuses to help herself, I would suggest distancing yourself from her

Post # 5
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

This doesn’t make her sound terrible and it doesn’t make you sound insensitive.  It sounds like she is sick and you are a human being.

You mentioned that she’s on a lot of medications but is being bounced from doctor to doctor.  This is probably something that can’t be helped – I know what a nightmare it is trying to find decent mental healthcare, especially when you’re not on the best of health plans.  You could have essentially been reading me a few pages out of FH’s life story.  So I’ll bring up what has made a big difference for him – although he’d been receiving care for years, been in and out of hospitals, been medicated into a total stupor and then some, he’d never actually seen a diagnostician.  Not until two years ago.  He’d been treated for incorrect diagnoses before, the doctors had realized it before, but still hadn’t actually sent him to a diagnostician.

If you both have concerns that she’s bipolar instead of/as well as depressed, encourage her to urge her doctors to get her to a diagnostician.  It can be an insurance nightmare and it can mean hours for the actual testing, but in the end, she could start a treatment plan more likely to be effective.  And if her doctors think she’s just after pills, wanting to see a diagnostician could help lay some of that to rest.  It would rule out a lot of things.

I wish you both the best!  Also kudos to her partner for being supportive.

Post # 6
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

I have clinical depression (in addition to PTSD and GAD) and her moods/outbursts sound like me when I go off my meds. 

I would encourage you to help how you can: find her doctors, listen when you can. Understand when she says she just can’t leave the house that day- for me, when pushed to do so, it just makes me feel worse (she may be different- ask her!) 

its great that she has a friend willing to listen and not judge – that’s a great benefit to her. 

Post # 8
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
saccarabird :  It’s admirable that you want to help but try to leave it to the professionals. I have a family member who has mental and emotional issues and diagnosis. Trust me, their issues can be toxic to your life. The worst thing you can do for your friend is become a support beam and then cave under the pressure.

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