(Closed) Helping FI with his weight loss taking the lust out of our relationship

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Awwww, that sucks.

 

What caused him to gain 100 pounds?  You indicate that he has thyroid issues…. is that the only issue?

I think you should see a counselor.  Tell him you have gone all holistic… and you want  to deal with EVERY aspect of this – but you’re not a counselor and you both need someone to talk to.

Post # 5
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Ok YOU .. ROCK.  You sound amazingly supportive.  His bad breath could be something he should talk to the Dr about.  That could be a symptom of other problems.  Have you tried walks .. just the two of you?  I’ve been trying to do that with Darling Husband after work.  He is in a rut and not working out, actually neither of us are, but I’m pushing the walks, we talk about our days and it is helping us communicate and exercise a bit anyway.

You really sound like you have most of this covered.  Keep nudging .. not shoving just .. nudging

Post # 6
Member
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m sorry that I can’t offer you any good advice and that you have to go through this. I don’t think you’re a horrible or selfish person. It’s obvious to me that you are worried about him and how he is feeling and trying to protect him more than you’re worried about your own feelings. All I can really say is vent away!

Post # 7
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am really sorry both you him and you are feeling down at such a pinacle moment in your relationship. Stick with it and help him lose the weight.

My fiance is serious about losing some weight before the wedding, we got “my fitness pal” App and have been counting calories, he has also been hitting the gym hard. To help with motivation, I invited his friends to join, they are in our bridal party and were interested in getting in shape for the wedding as well as their own health. 

My FI’s dad recently had a heart attack, which was horrible right after christmas, though good in a way as both his dad and him quit smoking.

Try and find ways to motivate your hubby to be, and deal with all of the issues in a very sensitve manner. You honestly dont want someone else onfronting him about his “odor”. It’s a long road but it will be worth it.

All the best!!

Post # 8
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Wow. You’re amazing for still trying! 100lbs is a lotta freaking weight to put on. I would just tell him that you are so excited to spend the rest of your life with him but that he needs to get serious about his health because its not fair to you to be marrying someone who’s practically killing himself. Prediabetic and high blood pressure?! Not okay. Just keep being supportive and say that you’ve decided you want to be a healthy family. Healthy diet, exercise, hygiene. Good luck girl!

Post # 9
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee

You are so wonderfully supportive. He doesn’t sound like he is very happy. Weight loss can have that affect. Just continue your wonderful support and he will come right again. xox

Post # 10
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you felt comfortable with it, maybe you could say something to him like, “Honey, with this stress from our lifestyle changes and wedding planning, I would love some special alone time with you. Can we try to regularly schedule a date night?”

I also think you should go to a counselor. Of course, it sounds like your Fiance is struggling and could use some help, too, but even if he refuses, you are going through a lot, and I encourage you to find someone to talk to about all this. I don’t know if he would be up for it, but maybe something like Weight Watchers would help for the community aspect of losing weight.  Maybe if he went to a meeting and was surrounded by people with similar struggles he wouldn’t feel so alone or so down on himself.

Can I ask how long he has been making these new changes? When you make drastic eating/exercising changes, it does take awhile to adjust.

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I read from a post that you lost a lot of weight yourself (go you!) so I am sure your knowledge from going through this is such an asset to your Fiance.

Post # 11
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You sound wonderfully supportive and like you truly love him no matter what. I also understand that you think he is fine the way he is now, but you need to support him in his weight loss efforts even if that means things being tough. It sounds like he has some pretty serious health concerns like high blood pressure and being prediabetic. My uncle was diabetic, weighed over 300 pounds and DIED from it.Diabetes and high blood pressure take a huge toll on the heart. I think he probbaly realizes that his weight has gotten out of control and wants to lose the weight, he just doesn’t know how. Encourage him when he loses weight, even if its 10 pounds and keep pushing him towards his goals. Help him with his eating habits (which means no more baking). Try new, healthy recipes together. Go for walks together. Walking is one of the greatest forms of exerise and it allows the two of you to spend quality time together just talking. 

About the hygiene.. I think that overweight people tend to sweat more which means more body odor unless they are constantly cleaning themselves/putting deodorant on. The bad breathe thing makes no sense though unless he is eating different foods than before that perhaps leave a bad smell in his mouth afterwards. 

Post # 12
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I feel like I have started to smell funny as I am loosing weight too. I think it is my body detoxing a bit, but you may want to mention it to doc next time around. Also, while I wouldn’t mention the sex issue, I would mention that he needs to shower. If he is feeling depresses, then I would suggest counseling. Also, maybe point out that sex can be a work out. Say, ‘its time for your cardio and my orgasm!’ Lol.maybe also just tell him how much thinner he is. My Fiance tells me all the time, and I may not believe it but its getting easier, and I do feel sexier. 10 pounds is great for 2 months a, esp if he won’t eat veggies. Encourage him to read and post on MFP, that has helped me a lot too. Also, you can usually sneak veggies into things, get creative with your cooking. My Fiance made a grilled cheese with bro olli and turkey, and I swear I couldn’t tell the difference.

Post # 13
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No, you’re not being a selfish bitch.  You have needs and they are not being met and that’s not fair.  You have to talk to him about how you’re feeling.  If you can’t be honest with this man, then who can you be honest with?  Ne sensitive about it, but direct.  He needs to hear it, and he needs to hear it from you. 

 

Post # 14
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Why are you buying him video games?! That sounded like you are slightly enabling his habits as well. They may make him happy for a while, but it’s your job as his future wife, to get his ass in gear when he is unable to pick himself up!

 

Maybe the next gift you can get him is a Camelback backpack and tell him you guys are going on a long walk or small hike?

I understand your frustration. My fiance is struggling with his weight as well so instead of letting him feel sorry for himself, I told him to start making changes if he’s so unhappy. Now, he walks to work instead of drives that 1.5 miles. I slowly started adding more and more vegetables into the dinners I make and now a year later, we’re 90% vegetairan heavy dishes. He didn’t lose a ton of weight, but I noticed he’s PROUD of his accomplishments and he looks at himself in the mirror differently.

Thyroid issues are difficult, but they can be managed. My fiance is 6’7″ and was over 300 lbs. He was in physical pain most of the time he moved, but he forced himself to change and he did. Slowly, but he did.

 

Now when I’m being the lazy, he’s the one riding me. It’s a partnership. If he doesn’t want to change, you have to be the kickstart that gets him going. If that doesn’t work, maybe he just wants to sulk. He’ll change when he’s ready.

Post # 15
Member
9079 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Gaining that kind of weight and his mood strongly suggest to me that he is going to have to get some therapy, possibly even meds before he can tackle the weight and other issues.  It sounds as if he finds simple things, like taking a shower, to be overwhelming.  That sounds like depression to me.

You are a remarkably supportive wife, now be sure he gets the expert help he needs.  

Post # 16
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Thanks for posting this. You are definitely not the only one going through this. 

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