(Closed) HELPP! Disappointing engagement

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think some are being too harsh. You were patient, and really gave him a good idea what you wanted and he did not really put a ton of effort in to anything. Hopefully he will learn from this. I agree with karrotcakes. See if you can alter the ring. Your wedding day can make up for the proposal, but the ring you should love.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  laurenjh.
Post # 32
Member
2774 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

leeshey:  ack in your situation I could forgive the proposal (seriously, if your guy doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body and you’ve loved him like that for a while, your proposal/vows/anniversaries/birthdays won’t be romantic. The end.), but not the ring. That would also grate at me because he explicitly said he needed more time to save up for the ring I wanted. However, before doing something hasty I’d inquire about the reasons behind NOT getting what he’d said he’d get. They might be financial ones like maybe he started feeling uncomfortable about spending X amount on a piece of rock and metal to define an otherwise awesome relationship. Maybe he had to pay something else off and only had X – n to spend on the ring at the end of the day. Maybe he thought he’d finance the damn thing with his newly restored credit at that store since you had so graciously paid off his previous debt there.

Or maybe he just wanted to shut you up about the ring and engagement so he walked into the first store and picked out something within a max budget of Y. Because the latter would worry me tremendously I’d ask him if that was why he’d picked it. And if it was, I’d be gone.

But if the guy is great and he just doesn’t get engagement rings, or had less money than he thought he’d have/was comfortable spending…I’d just quietly take it off after the wedding and only wear my wedding ring. And this sounds trite but hon, there is so much marital bling to choose from and get! Anniversaries and birthdays and push presents (I’m sorry, I gagged a little cuz I Hate how that sounds but some ppl only wear those rings!) and and and and…on those you get to choose and send your hubby a link and say ‘here honey, this is what I want for our anniversary.” 

Post # 33
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Here’s my story: I’m like you. I always had big dreams about the perfect proposal, getting married, the works.

My then fiance had purchased a ring and planned to propose to me on one of our favorite hikes. A few days before it was set to happen, we got into an argument. I forgot what started it, but it got heated pretty quickly and we both said things we didn’t mean. He made a comment that caused me to snap and queston whether our relationship was going anywhere. In the heat of the moment, and in an effort to prove that he didn’t mean anything by his comment, he pulled out the ring and proposed. Right then and there standing in the middle of our living room. I was caught off guard, yes, but it was nothing like he had planned or I had imagined.

We got married a little over a month ago, and the wedding was beautiful. I have no regrets. Neither of us ever thinks about the failed proposal. At the end of the day, you’re getting to marry the one you love. Enjoy it. The proposal means nothing. Let it go.

Post # 34
Member
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t get why so many here are giving you grief and passing judgement on you. 

You don’t sound unreasonable or high maintenance at all. Everyone seems to be ignoring all the parts of your story that show how patient and kind and understanding you’ve been (waiting for YEARS, paying off HIS debt?!?!) and focusing on the fact that you feel disappointed. 

I’m sorry, but if my boyfriend did what yours did, I would feel exactly as you do – like he didn’t value me enough to stretch himself out of his comfort zone in order to give me the moment I had asked for and that I deserved. It SOUNDS like you are a great girlfriend to him, so I definitely think you deserved to have him listen to your opinion and try to make you happy in this, of all areas.

I get the feeling that this may be a pattern in your relationship – him doing the bare minimum while you bend over backwards to please him. It’s an all-too-common dynamic that is hard to see when you’re IN it. 

If I were in your position, I would take his proposal as an indication that he doesn’t set a high enough value on me, and start showing up as high value until his behavior/consideration improves. And there is nothing “high maintenance” about being high value. It’s as simple as returning the ring and telling him that you will accept his proposal once he returns the ring and gets you a new one more to your taste – which you have already communicated to him. And if he doesn’t have the money for the ring you want, tell him you want to contribute and how much. You are an equal partner in this. You didn’t get the proposal you wanted and communicated to him, the very least he can do is work with you to get you a ring (and possibly a new, private “mini-proposal” when he gives it to you) that you can have good feelings about.

Everyone here is gaslighting you. Your feelings of disappointment are very valid. To get him to be more considerate of you, you need to change your behavior with him. Don’t be so accomodating, make sure YOUR needs are being met (while still meeting his, of course.) You need more equality out of this. That doesn’t mean dragging him down – it means elevating yourself.

Good luck – I’m sorry this has been your experience, but know that you can improve upon it!!!

Post # 35
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

duchessgummybunns:  the part about her voluntarily paying off his debt made me do a double take too.

OP – please check your inbox

Post # 36
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ahhhh this may sound mean, but you sound so ungrateful.  Rings and engagements are NOT what a marriage is about.  Is it not social media worthy, so your upset.  

Post # 37
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

thumperbear:  I totally agree. Go read the forum on  Not liking The Ring .See how many brides take what they get.

Post # 38
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

 I used to joke to my then-boyfriend that we weren’t gonna get engaged, just married (we did get engaged).  He said he had his great-grandmother’s engagement ring and that he had proposed to his ex-wife with it and gave me a choice of my own ring or that ring and of course I said grandmother’s ring (I didn’t see it until we got engaged though).  It was a stand-in ring his great-grandfater got during war time because he didn’t have enough money but wanted to marry his love.  Decades later he got her a “real” ring (which my mother-in-law wears).  I don’t even know how many carats it is or if it my style because I’ve never worn rings and the only two rings I’ve worn are the engagement and wedding ring (which per Judaism is just a plain rose gold band).

The engagement, the ring, the wedding, none of that matters.  Two things matter, the man and the marriage.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  gatordeb.
Post # 39
Member
1788 posts
Buzzing bee

leeshey:  honestly I wouldn’t marry that guy. He made you wait 2 years while he saved so “you can get the ring you wanted”- did you get the ring you want? Did you get the proposal you wanted? NO. He admitted to making everything all about HIM! Selfish man. You paid off his debt, you waited for him to be ready, you give in this relationship- and he takes!

He made the proposal all about his family- not your family. Did he even ask your family for their blessing before proposing? And he treated you like a prop during pictures, he didn’t put thought into what you would want to wear. He didn’t think about how you would want to spend the day celebrating after the proposal. It was all about what HE wanted. And his back-up proposal plan was to do it at a bar? How thoughtless and unromantic can this guy get? Tell me: does he ever buy you birthday/Christmas/Valentines day gifts? I wouldn’t be surprised if you said “No. He won’t even hamdmake me a card.”

Do you want to live with a man who disappoints you the rest of your life? Because he will. He’s showing you exactly the kind of man he is, so listen!

Post # 40
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

duchessgummybunns:  This x 1000000

OP-try to ignore the mean posts. I can see why you’d be upset by this, but I think you need to look at whether the ring from you store you hate etc is because he’s terrible at shopping and doesn’t understand what he should have got, or whether he just didn’t put in enough effort.

My ex Fiance bought me a ring I really hated. It wasn’t the ring itself so much. More that we talked about it and he ignored everything I said. So it made me feel like he didn’t listen to me or care.

Post # 41
Member
7750 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Team OP! These kinds of posts never go over well on the Bee, but I think this is different. It seems that there is a lot more going on here than simply disappointment over the ring and proposal. I think the OP rightly has resentment that it took so long for her SO to propose. They went ring shopping multiple times, she paid off his debts (before they were engaged!? big no no in my book but still…), and even knowing what she wanted and more expressly what she DIDN’T want, he went with a ring from a store she didn’t want that was not at all to her taste. Also the proposal…how hard is it to do an intimate proposal? It is not that complicated. They still could have met up with his family afterwards, but to do it in front of his entire family, even after she’d made it clear she wants that moment to be private? woof.

It sounds like the OP’s Fiance stubbornly refused to accommodate ANY of her wishes–wishes that do not seem remotely high maintenance to me. “Here is the kind of ring I like” and “I prefer an intimate proposal” are basic requests that many bees who are ripping into the OP have certainly had themselves. 

OP’s Fiance sounds selfish and stubborn. The total disregard for the OP’s very basic requests, coupled with the fact that it took him forever and a day to propose, would be enough to upset anyone, I think.

Post # 42
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

If the proposal and ring were such a huge disapointment and made you feel so worthless, then why did you say yes? You are allowed to reject a proposal. Maybe he would have put more thought into it if he was a little worried you’d say no.

Post # 43
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

Sorry your proposal sucked. Sorry you don’t like the ring. 

Your finance sounds super unromantic and like not the most thoughtful guy. 

Nothing you can do about the proposal. But if you really don’t like the ring upgrade or return it. Lots of women on here talk about how they swapped out their engagement ring because they weren’t happy with the one they were gifted. 

Post # 44
Member
2069 posts
Buzzing bee

Why did your fiancé have debt at a jewelry store??  Are you SURE this is the guy for you?  If you love your fiancé let the proposal go.

But when you said you got “1 of the three” it took to the end of your post for me to figure out which of the three things (great fiancé, ring or proposal) you thought you had.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Scarlett11.
Post # 45
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Am I the only one who thinks this isn’t real??

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