(Closed) Her wedding is on Friday and I don't want to go. How do I tell the bride?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sounds like you really just plain ole’ don’t want to go. So no matter what the circumstances you’d find some “reasons” why you shouldn’t/couldn’t.

Much the same way I’m feeling about going to work right now. I just do NOT want to go. I could come up with a million reasons why its not a good idea. But alas, I’m going to suck it up and do it because its the right thing to do.

Post # 48
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have to agree with the previous posters. YOu should have rsvp no. I think you are making excuses to justify not going and they are very flimsy. I think the bride will easily see through it. It’s so rude to cancel last mintue for reasons I don’t think are valid.

Post # 49
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t expect the friendship to survive you no-showing to her wedding, no matter how expensive your gift.

In her shoes, I would expect you, of all people, to understand wedding etiquette.

Post # 50
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

For what it’s worth OP, if I don’t want to go to a wedding or I even think I won’t be able to make it for whatever reason I just say no straight away. That’s easier than anything. 

Post # 51
Member
9970 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@LadyElva:   I agree with everything you’ve said here.

Rude or not, the unborn child is of paramount importance, above all.  Extreme stress, which attending the wedding will put her under, is really, really bad for the baby.  It’s not worth the risk.  This a human life we’re talking about.  (Mom has a responsibility to her child.  Trumps wedding or manners or friendship.  Speaking as a Mom here – who suffered two miscarriages a few years after my healthy son was born).

OP:  Don’t go, don’t feel guilty and stop rationalizing.  Call your friend, be kind and empathetic to her, offer to cover your plate and send the money ASAP.  Explain that you don’t feel capable of putting your pregnancy at risk.  I’m sure she will understand.  If she doesn’t, well, it doesn’t seem you’re overly concerned about keeping your friendship with her anyway.

If you do attend the wedding you’re in for an absolutely miserable time.  The bride will never appreciate, in a million years, the sacrifice you would be making in terms of stress, inconvenience, risk to the baby and your sanity/comfort.  She just won’t.  If you’re there she’ll be fine and if you are not there, she will be just fine, too.  If you go you’ll hate yourself for putting yourself through all that crap for a glance from the bride and a quick “Hi,” if you’re lucky.  It will never be worth it. 

No way would I go to the wedding under these circumstances.  My opinion is suck it up and call her and explain that due to your early stage of pregnancy you don’t feel well enough to travel the long distance.  And send her the money right away.

One more thing – stop trying to put the blame on this bride for her choice of wedding date, etc.  Really?  She had the right to choose any wedding date she wanted, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

Best wishes!

Post # 52
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
@Sunfire:  I’m with you on this.  OP – good luck with the conversation I know it won’t be easy – you need to do what’s best for you but be prepared to seriously grovel.  I wouldn’t be happy if one of my friends did this to me…

Post # 53
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

OP, why are you upset that she’s getting married six days after you? I assume that you don’t have any of the same relatives and probably not many of the same friends since she lives so far from you. What’s the matter with her wedding date?

Post # 54
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Sunfire:  “Rude or not, the unborn child is of paramount importance, above all.  Extreme stress, which attending the wedding will put her under, is really, really bad for the baby.  It’s not worth the risk.  This a human life we’re talking about.”

Puhleeze. The OP just had her own wedding, less than one week ago, with no concern about the stress placed on her body or the baby. Attending a wedding, even one that involves a moderate drive, is WAY less stressful than throwing your own wedding. It shouldn’t be OK for the OP to hide behind the baby excuse. 

Women have been having babies for thousands of years, in circumstances that are far more stressful than having to sit on your butt and hold the gas pedal down for 6 hours then go eat a meal someone else is paying for.  Pregnancy does not make a woman magically feeble or fragile.  The OP herself also controls how stressful she wants this to be!

OP I think you really need to suck it up and go. Your excuses are pretty thin and basically come down to “I just don’t feel like putting in the effort” and you might not be happy to find out what kind of impression that makes on your friend.

Post # 55
Member
2353 posts
Buzzing bee

You said you were going, so she’s paying for your plate. Suck it up and go. 

I think, once you get there, you’ll be glad you went. 

Post # 56
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sorry, OP, if you RSVP’d yes, you have to go.  If you had decided a week ago that you really didn’t want to go, then that might have given the bride enough notice to cancel your dinner.  But as most others have said, you have to suck it up and go at this point.  To not go because you “don’t feel like it” and because you’re angry that her wedding is so close to yours is the height of rudeness (I also think it’s funny that you’re not feeling resentful towards the people who have a wedding on the Saturday that you and your husband are also attending). 

Post # 57
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@fishbone:  Bingo.  I was going to say… how do you go through the stress of having your own wedding, but suddenly a week later it’s stressful to drive.  She came to your wedding.

Flat out no sugar coating: I think your husband swayed your decision because he doesn’t want to go.  Not spending 1 night away from your husband so soon after you’re married sounds completely juvenile.  You’re still an adult & that is your friend.

To me this looks exactly like spite.  And this woman will know it – she’s better friends with you, we do not even know you & this looks incredibly suspicious.

Post # 58
Member
9970 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@fishbone:   I respectfully disagree with you.  Driving alone for six hours (I personally hate driving) can’t compare to the OP’s own wedding.  I would never risk that if it were me.  Her cortisol level will be through the roof, because of her emotional state, and that’s proven to be a risk to a fetus.

I understand everyone’s point of view that what she has done is unbelievably rude.  It IS RUDE!  I agree.  It’s a slap in the face of her friend.  She SHOULD attend this wedding, from a politeness, moral and friendship standpoint.

Bottom line is, she isn’t going to go.  She’s going to have to make her excuses.  Is she being selfish?  Yes!!  But I can see myself putting myself and my baby ahead of a friend’s wedding, I really can.  I would choose me over that.  Does that make me selfish and a bad friend?  Maybe.  I can live with it. 

My feeling is her misery if she goes isn’t worth it.  It’s not a crime to not attend a wedding, even after you’ve RSVP’d “yes.”  It sucks but there are worse things – like having a miscarriage.  Her DH is an ass for not driving her and putting her in this position, but so be it. 

The OP is going to have to deal with the fallout from her friend after this, but it seems as though she is willing to take that risk.

Post # 59
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@Sunfire:  I don’t know how a full day of events that you are the center of attention is any less stressful than driving alone in a quiet car with the radio on.  I’m just not seeing it.

Agree with everything else you said, though.

Post # 60
Member
9970 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@deetroitwhat:   Because she was HAPPY to have her OWN wedding.  So, no cortisol.  She is NOT happy to be attending her friend’s wedding and her hormones will be going haywire.

For the record, if she weren’t pregnant I would be on the side of she should shut it and attend.

Edit:  And driving for six hours (shudder) with the radio on would just about kill me with stress.  I would never be able to drive that far alone, I’m not capable of it.  It’s a weird thing with me, but two hours driving a car is my max.  Then I have to get out or I will go bat-shit crazy.  Not sure why I’m like this . . . ??

Post # 61
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

1) you RSVPd yes and it’s completely inconsiderate and rude to back out this late. Just because you don’t care about the 10 people that bailed on your wedding doesn’t mean everyone shouldn’t care. It’s a big deal and costly.

2) SHAME ON YOUR HUSBAND. Youve made it clear youre uncomfortable driving six hours while pregnant. My man would never ever ever agree to letting me drive alone 6 hours away while pregnant! He would’ve said something during RSVP (he would’ve sucked it up and said yes too for the safety of me alone, but if a baby was involved, absolutely would’ve said yes) and if I was currently in the situation you’re in, even if he can’t attend the wedding since you RSVPd no for him, he’d drive with me there and back. Period. 

3) you don’t need to whine about how close her wedding date is to yours. You get A DAY, not a week, not a month, whatever. You get ONE day.

I hope your husband helps you like he should and I hope you do the right thing.

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