(Closed) Her wedding is on Friday and I don't want to go. How do I tell the bride?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Foot in Mouth Maybe the OP’s OH could drive..thereby taking the stress off the OP (?and the baby) and helping her to maintain her friendship by not missing the wedding.

That’s what I know my OH would do if this was me – whether he wanted to attend the wedding or not.

Post # 78
9913 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@princesswedding:  That’s what most FIs or DHs would do in this situation.  However, OP said her husband won’t because someone made an inappropriate, racist comment last time he was there.  (I get the hurt feelings and being upset by that, but it’s now letting an ignorant stranger ruin a friendship between his wife and her longtime friend.)

Post # 79
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@UpstateCait:   You’ve made a lot of valid points.  But she doesn’t want to go, she would be hating if she went, she wouldn’t be an asset at the wedding.  She would be miserable.  Honestly, I wouldn’t want someone at my wedding who had a horrible attitude and would rather walk on broken glass than be there.  It would just be bad vibes, who needs that at their wedding?

She’s going to have to deal with the consequences of damaging their friendship.  I think she’s fine with that. 

I think she should reimburse the couple for the expense she’s causing them by bailing. 

FWIW, I wouldn’t have been able to drive for six hours alone, especially at that stage of pregnancy, I physically could NOT have done it.  I know most people can – but I’m a complete wimp when it comes to driving long distances alone, so I feel compassion for her about that. 

Post # 81
1017 posts
Bumble bee

DH refuses to travel there or spend the money for the trip (about $500 including hotel) – he’s been clear on this since we were invited.

I think your DH is being an ass.  He expected people to travel and spend money for his wedding.

Post # 82
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP, I realize that your DH doesn’t “want to,” but why can’t he drive you to the wedding, if it’s such a concern? That way you’re not traveling alone. While you’re at the wedding he could go out to a movie/dinner or just veg out in the hotel room. Not ideal for him, but it’s always an option.

Post # 83
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsSawyer:  This!

The OP never once says “I’m worried about the health of my baby.” Not once. 

The OP over-committed herself and feels a little guilty about it, but not enough to actually honor her commitments. Really she should honor her commitments out of love and respect for her friend, and not need the guilt factor.

What it comes down to is, in life we don’t always get our way. We have too many things to do in too short a time, and sometimes we have to put others before ourselves. We have to drive when we’re tired and we have to leave the house when we’d rather stay at home. But we do these things because we love those people and we want to enjoy their friendship for years. 

Unless the other bride is a far more forgiving person than most here, the OP backing out now is going to permanently change and possibly destroy the friendship.  The OP should decide if 12 hours’ round trip drive when she’s tired is too much to “pay” for a potential lifetime of friendship with this other bride.



Post # 84
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fishbone:   I think she’s pretty clear about not caring too much about a continued friendship after this.  Undecided  At least, the way she’s criticizing and blaming this girl for this issue, they don’t sound like very close friends to me.

Post # 85
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Tell your new husband to STFU and go with you because you are carrying his child and you need his support in supporting your friend on her wedding day. 

ETA- I traveled 6 hours away from me to a bumb-fuck town 35 weeks pregnant with a baby who had a heart condition and a bad placenta to support a family member…there are hospitals everywhere. 

Post # 86
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

IMO …the “proper” thing to do would be suck it up and go.

What I would probably end up doing if I were you? Call her tonight, tell her you’re ill and can’t make it, apologize profusely, and send her $500. If she was shocked you were planning to attend she will probably be happier with the money than your presence anyway.

It is a little selfish and lazy but oh well. Life goes on. If you aren’t busting your ass to be there it’s not like you’re best friends anyway.

Post # 87
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Sunfire:  Re: your # 78 post, you’ve got a point. I probably wouldn’t want someone to attend my wedding if they were going to bring everyone down with their negativity and miserable demeanor. 

ETA: And post #83, you’re right about that too. The OP certainly hasn’t had a single nice thing to say about her friend so I’d assume that the friendship means very little to her at this point. 

Post # 88
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@moonadea:   Exactly.  If this were her dearly beloved best friend this thread wouldn’t even exist right now, lol. 

Post # 89
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@abbie017:  If you HAVE AAA.  I mean, COME ON.  Who the FK wants to deal with THAT?!  But you’re right, she doesn’t even have to lie.  I think it’s ridiculous to expect a girl to drive 12 hours out of the next 24 to attend someones wedding.  She can just call up the bride and say, “A few weeks ago, I thought I could drive 6 hours alone while pregnant, but now I’m not feeling too hot and I can’t.  I’m really sorry, I feel terrible, but I just can’t make the trip.  I feel awful for missing your wedding and I hope I can make it up to you somehow.” 

View original reply
@Jacqui90:  The wedding on Saturday isn’t a 12-hour roundtrip drive away. 

View original reply
@blueskies7:  Her husband was victimized for his race.  I don’t exactly blame him for saying he wouldn’t go.  While my Fiance would never let me drive 6 hours alone, either, I’m sure the circumstances would be different if he was of a different race and some people were bashing him for it. 

OP, don’t let these girls guilt trip you into going.  You didn’t sign your life away when you RSVPed yes.  You made a mistake when you RSVPed yes and now you have to make up for it.  A majority of these posters are mostly concerned with the fact that the bride paid for your head more than anything else. Just send a VERY GENEROUS gift and call it a day.

As for all the posters who are saying this girl won’t be your friend anymore because she shouldn’t have to understand you cancelling last minute, then that girl is selfish and an idiot, in which case you shouldn’t even want to be friends with her.  Granted, she came to your wedding which was just as far for her as her wedding is for you, but I think you have a valid reason for not going.  And if she can’t understand that she’s going to have some last minute cancellations, then she’s not being realistic.

Besides, it seems from your original post that she wasn’t that close of a friend anymore and that you were put off by some of her comments.  While I disagree that her saying she was excited to see your venue and decor was upsetting (honestly, I love weddings and I love going to my friend’s weddings, but a main reason is because I love to see their visions come to life and that was before I was even planning my own wedding), it seems that the friendship is on the outs anyway.  If she stops being friends with you because you missed her wedding, then that’s INSANE.  Absolutely INSANE. 

Also, I’ve never been pregnant before, but everyone has a different pregnancy.  I know a girl in the hospital right now at 24 weeks pregnant because she might go into premature labor.  I know another girl who is still working at 20-something weeks.  EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.  The fact that these posters are saying that you should feel fine at 24 weeks is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous because they have NO IDEA what your pregnancy is like.

Do not listen to these girls.  If you don’t want to go, call the bride, tell her you can’t make it, apologize, send a really, really nice card with a long thoughtful letter about how genuinely happy you are for her and how much you love her as a friend, send a generous check and call it a day.  If you lose the friendship over this, honestly, the friendship wasn’t worth keeping to begin with. 

Post # 90
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@Sunfire:  i agree with that point, she doesn’t seem to care much about this friend, was POd that she had the audacity to have her wedding within a week of the OP’s, but isn’t mad at the other friend who has it a week after hers, and waited til after her own wedding was over and the friend attended to decide not to go to her friend’s, could have told her a week ago before her own wedding, then the friend wouldn’t have had to go to her wedding, but nope bet she would have been angry if her friend missed hers. 

OP, there is NO way to tell your friend you are missing the most important day of her life without ruining the friendship. as several PPs have pointed out you didn’t once mention your concern over the health of your unborn child. from the title of this thread, your main reason is: you don’t want to. so give your friend any bs excuse you want, that’s up to you, but be aware that your friendship probably won’t continue after this. just remember that if you go to the wedding on Saturday after missing the one on Friday, your friendship with the Friday bride will DEFINITELY be over.

Post # 91
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, it sounds like you have already made up your mind.  And like we always tell Bees about people who don’t attend, by inviting you you also have a right to decline.  But you need to do it TODAY.  Like, right now.  And make it heartfelt unless you no longer wish to continue the friendship.

Edit – and if you had done this to me, I would not be going crazy like the other Bees have suggested she’s going to do.  I would be so incredibly busy and NOT thinking about you that it would probably slide right off my back. 

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