(Closed) Her wedding is on Friday and I don't want to go. How do I tell the bride?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

So, I’m going to be in the minority on this. But I think that if you don’t want to go you don’t have to go. Yes, I think you should call asap and let her know, and I would definitely send a card/substantial gift in your place. Sometimes things come up, and you can’t predict how you will feel in 6 weeks.

OP, I’m sorry everyone’s getting on your case so hard. I know if it were my wedding, and a 5 month pregnant friend told me she couldn’t make the 12 hour round trip by herself, I wouldn’t question it. And I certainly would not end a friendship over it. How petty.

Post # 123
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My biggest issue is with your husband. I cannot believe his options are 1: don’t go or 2: go alone. Whatever his issues are, he should put you and your baby first and go with you to make it easier. It seems like if he travelled with you, you would go.

If you decide not to go, let the woman know now. I had a guest text me the morning of my wedding telling me she had a headache and couldn’t come. I thought it was a fairly lame excuse but I respected her letting me know instead of just being a no show.

FWIW, the drive may be uncomfortable for you but I can’t see how it would endanger your baby. If you are genuinely concerned it could, tell your husband to step up.

Post # 124
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Ok…coming from someone who had to do this once…don’t go. I was also pregnant and felt lousy and just couldn’t get myself moving enough to go. Every pregnancy is different…even with the same woman. I’ve been through it many times…three children and miscarriages (one at 6 months). For those that say she’s not sick she’s pregnant…sometimes it goes hand in hand …and sometimes things get overwhelming due to hormones. That feeling of ‘I don’t want to go’ could be the early signs of depression or just plain exhaustion. With that in mind, I think OP is coming up with more reasons just to feel justified because of all the times this has been discussed on here in a not so positive light. 

Also some of the comments about her DH are rather mean. First of all, he does not want to go into an area that is obviously racist against him (that could be frightening!) and secondly, he said right from the beginning that he did not want to spend the money…understandable considering they just got married AND he would have to take a day off work as well. That does not make him the horrible things some posters are calling him.

Back to the other…my friend whose wedding I missed for the same reasons and I are still friends. She completely understood and was just concerned that I was going to be ok.

 

Post # 125
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@Luayne:  If there is a genuine threat to her husband then right there was her best reason not to rsvp yes.

Post # 126
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is a major test of character. All of have to things we don’t feel like doing. When you’re 4 you can fall down on the floor kicking and screaming.

You can still do that as an adult, but not literally. Lol I hate driving with the force of a thousand suns (shamelessly stolen from another Bee:) but I drove to a wedding NINE months pregnant. It was only a 2 hour drive and I thought I would DIE.

I seriously could not sit comfortably for even five minutes. Because I was so huge, I had nothing to wear but this black jersey maternity schmatta. My feet were so swollen, I couldn’t even wear MULES and I had to walk around the ballroom at the Four Seasons barefoot. And pregnant. And dying to be home and horizontal on my bed.

But not attending an important event where you will likely be missed, just because you don’t “feel like it anymore” is not cool. Take a deep breath, psych yourself up and go. It will probably be really fun once you get there:)

Post # 128
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

WOW! OP please don;t take any of these negative remarks to heart. I am really hoping this is a case of many of these women not truly understanding your situation.

I had someone not come to my wedding because she didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I knew she probably wasn;t coming and when she and her family didn;t show it was no big deal. I don’t get people not coming to your wedding being a friendship breaker. Always expect that you will have a few last minute no shows at your wedding and that stress is gone.

I was further along when we got married and the mini-moon was almost 2 hours away. We didn’t want to travel far. With that being said between the emotional and physical stress of the wedding and the honeymoon I almost went into labor when we were on our honeymoon and was put on partial bedrest after. No one knows what kind of stress the past few weeks have put on your body except you. If you don’t feel up to it then don’t go. And I don’t know anyone who would be upset by a large monetary gift.

Post # 129
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@BadBeeFriend:  “7) we can close the thread now…the hostility in this forum toward pregnant women and mothers is actually pretty alarming.”

You’ve gotta be kidding? This site is actually incredibly supportive of pregnant women and mothers. You’re just using your pregnancy as an excuse which doesn’t sit well with many people. 

Post # 130
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow.  I have to say that, once again, I’m an SHOCKED and APPALLED by the lack of understanding of so many Bees. Holy hell ladies, the OP is 6 months pregnant and would have to drive 12 hours, by herself, within 24 a hour time period.  You really think she should have to suck it up and go?  How many of you have done long trips like that back-to-back?  Have you ever made a trip like that when you’re already exhuasted?  It’s not safe at all!!!  I’d worry about falling asleep at the wheel personally.

Yes, it’s rude that she RSVP’ed yes and then not come.  But guess, what, sh*t happens.  When you plan a big event, such as a wedding, you need to be prepared for people to not be able to make it.  It’s just how life works.  A wedding is important but it’s not the ZOMG MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD AND YOU ARE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING IF YOU MISS IT!  She honestly thought she could be able to do it and is now realizing she can’t.  Sure, she knew she was pregnant, but this is her first baby and she had NO idea how she would feel months later.  As one PP said, everyone reacts different to pregnancies.  So just because YOU could have made it, doesn’t mean the OP can. 

Yes, she just had her wedding and maybe she had a lot of stress and maybe she didn’t.  Shockingly, not all brides get super stressed around their weddings.  And maybe she had lots of support from her other friends and family so it wasn’t so bad.  Or maybe she did have tons of stress, so then what?  Is the correct solution for a 6 month pregnant lady to add MORE stress to herself?  For those of you who say a 6 hour car ride isn’t stressfull, have you um, made many of these drives?  Sometimes these drives are easy peasy, and sometimes you hit traffic or bad weather and your “easy” 6 hour drive becomes a 9 hour nightmare.  And FYI, depending on where you are driving AAA, or any other sort of road side assistance isn’t easy to get.  Sometimes you end up in a no-cell service area and you have to flag someone down or wait for HOURS for assistance.

To be fair, if the OP wasn’t so preggers, I would say she needs to suck it up and go.  But as it were, she is and is probably far more exhausted than normal.  She’s probably making more excuses because, if she’s like me, sometimes having one reason isn’t enough.  You feel that that one reason isn’t good enough (even when it is).  Sometimes, when I’m sick and want to stay home, I wrestle with the idea all morning to figure out if I’m really sick enough to warrant staying home or if I should just suck it up and go to work.  So usually, I have to throw in other reasons, like I have laundry that needs to get done, or I have to travel or have a big presentation at work and need my strenght so I shouldn’t push it.  I feel as though that’s what the OP is doing here.  

If my friend called me up and told me she didn’t think she could make the drive, I would understand and wish her well.  I wouldn’t end the friendship or be pissed or hold it against her.

Post # 131
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Sad 🙁 I feel really bad about your friend. She attended your wedding which was probably as far away, the least you could do was show up to support her on her special day. Find a cheaper hotel and actually look at the wedding as something fun to go to and socialize at, not an obligation.

Post # 132
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
@BadBeeFriend:  Good luck! I think it will be fine.

Post # 133
Member
6889 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Well considering I am MOTHER and was pregnant myself I do not believe this is the case of being hostile to pregnant and mothers on this board. In fact I find this board very supportive of pregnant/mothers hence why I stayed on this board after my wedding..

Post # 134
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP, I don’t get to go on my honeymoon right after my wedding, either.  I’m not even pregnant.  I have some friends that didn’t get a honeymoon at all  =o(  I feel terrible for them!  

I think it was pretty clear you had your mind made up from the get-go.  Hopefully the bride will appreciate you letting her know before the day of so she can make any necessary changes if she’s able to (seating chart, catering, etc).  Then I think it’s time to reevaluate if this friendship is healthy for either of you.

Post # 135
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

1. An RSVP is a promise. A promise to attend or to not attend. To me, my word is very important. If your health or the baby’s health were in question or if there were some emergency of some sort, then by all means it would be appropriate to bow out. However, it sounds like you just don’t want to go. Which is fine…except sometimes we do things we don’t want to do because it’s the right thing to do.

2. I empathize with not wanting to make the drive. I had a 2 and a half hour round trip drive to work during months 5-7 of my pregnancy. It sucked something awful every day. I also made 4 car trips greater than 5 hours one way during months 5-8. I drove myself alone for all of them. They took me longer because I had to stop to pee more frequently but I made it because I had made promises that I wanted to fulfill. Again, keeping my word is very important.

3. I don’t understand why you’re so upset that she chose to have her wedding a week after your’s. If she lives so far away, it’s obvious that the overlap in guest lists would be miniscule. Why are you upset? Wouldn’t the wedding that is closer pose a bigger risk of overlap? I’m not getting it.

4. As

View original reply
@Juliepants: pointed out, your actual question is how to tell the bride. Above all, I would be honest. Nobody likes a liar. Tell her that you have bitten off more than you feel like you can chew and you are sorry. Let her know that you will be covering your own plate in addition to giving a gift (do not include the price of your plate as your gift). Then, be sure to follow through with that promise.

Post # 136
Member
13561 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’m closing this thread at the request of the OP.

The topic ‘Her wedding is on Friday and I don't want to go. How do I tell the bride?’ is closed to new replies.

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