Post # 1
Ok. I was a single mom of a now 21 month old little boy (oh, he’s getting so old! ) My best friend K was really there for me when I went through it all. Last December she found out she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby. She has always wanted that and was so excited. I told her that I was really excited for her too (and I was! I almost cried when she told me), but that I was scared for her too and worried. I talked to her truthfully and told her the things I wish someone would have said to me. Well, she totally flipped out and didn’t talk to me for MONTHS because she only wanted supportive people around her (which I was!!!!) We started talking again during her pregnancy and things were better but not at all like they used to be. A couple weeks ago my mom told me that K was getting married. She had seen it on FACEBOOK! I called her up and said WOW! Congrats! I’m so excited for you! And asked her all about it. Then I said that my mom told me because she saw it on the internet and that I wish she would have at least called me. Her excuse? They have been really busy and haven’t told hardly anyone. ITS ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, (to make this longer!) she started a wedding webpage so I have been (spying) looking at it, and she has her BMs listed. I’m not one. (we had always said we would be in each others weddings, like MOH!) AND one of them is this girl that she has always said she doesn’t really like, and non of their friends do either. She even made fun of her when this other girl we know got engaged and this girl became her Boyfriend or Best Friend just to be in her wedding! To sum up, I’m pissed. She never calls or talks to me. I try, but she is always too busy. (She stays at home with her 3 month old). She has NO idea what is going on in my life or anything. We used to be inseprable. I don’t even know if she has ever really even met my FI! What to I do? I don’t even know if I want to try anymore.
Post # 3
I hate to say it but it’s fairly obvious from an unbiased outsider’s perspective that she doesn’t really want to have you in her life for whatever reason. I think, however painful it may be for you, you need to accept that your relationship with her isn’t what it used to be and isn’t ever going to be. I think she made that clear passive aggressively when she posted on FB about her engagement and didn’t bother to tell you and that she did not make you a Bridesmaid or Best Man. In her defense (sort of), if you haven’t been close lately there really is no reason for her to make you a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Promises made long ago don’t always hold up to what life ultimately brings us. Relationships change, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. You obviously think that it was your brutal honesty with her about her pregnancy that started this whole thing. At this point, I don’t think you have anything to lose by asking her what exactly it was that you said/did to make her feel the way she feels. She may give you some vague answer or blow off the question, but if so that only proves my point.
Post # 4
She never calls or talks to you, yet you’re pissed you’re not in her wedding? I have lots of friends who I consider CLOSE friends who found out about my engagement on facebook. It’s not like I could call up all 20 of my close friends and say “hey!”. I texted like, 10 of them. There were no time for phone calls, so cut her some slack. I think you guys just aren’t as close as you used to be so you aren’t a bridesmaid, which is perfectly legit if you don’t even talk anymore, right?
Post # 5
Rosie – I literally went through this same thing (in fact still going on)! I totally understand your frustration, and you have every right to be upset. I have a friend who I’ve know and been friends w/since freshman year in high school (we’re all now 30-ish). Last summer, she got pregnant by a guy she had been dating for 7 months at the time, and they decided to keep the baby. She made sure to tell me about her pregnancy before she planned to post it on Facebook – she even came over to my apartment to hang out the same night she told me. Around the middle of may this year, a close high school friend of ours announced she was engaged. Two weeks I hear from the engaged friend that our friend with the baby was planning to get married by the end of the year. Friend with baby never said anything to me about it. A couple of weeks after that, her FB status changed to “engaged”. I was definitely hurt, particularly after I offered her a lot of help with the baby, went out my way to visit her (she lived an hour and a half a way) when she was stuck at home w/the baby for the first few months, spent loads of money on baby gifts and hand made a baby blanket, etc. I thought she would at least call me to tell about her wedding plans. She still hasn’t. She’s also met by Boyfriend or Best Friend of four years several times, and we got the save-the-date addressed to “Jaxx and guest”. WTH? So I decided to lay off. I don’t talk to her anymore, except for when she initiates IM chats with me on FB, and I’ve pretty much stopped making an effort with her. I’m very hurt and let down, but I’ve moved on. I also have other close friends with whom we used to talk about being in each other’s weddings when we were younger and I have yet to be a bridesmaid, even though some of my friends have been in each other’s weddings. It makes me sad because if I have to have bridesmaids because my Boyfriend or Best Friend wants to have a best man and/or others, I have no idea who I’m going to ask! I don’t even know who I’d ask to be my MOH! Sigh.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I think in the end you have two options: 1) Let it go. Move on with your life. Some people become self absorbed and it becomes all about them, and if you’re not willing to deal, the best thing to do is walk away. Maybe some day, 10 years from, she’ll realize that she should have made more of an effort. 2) Suck it up and continute to be friends with her. As much as it bothers you, if you really believe a friendship is worth holding onto, you bite the bullet and look the other way, or you can confront her and hope that you can work it out. You stick by her and remain as a good a friend as you can, and hopefully someday down the line, she’ll realize that you did a really great thing sticking by her and she’ll show her appreciation somehow.
It was particularly hard for me to go with option 1 because I feel like at this stage of my life, I’ve lost a lot of friends for whatever reason (marriage, babies, people moving away). I work insane hours and barely have time for me and my bare minimum life obligations. But I call my friends and visit them whenever I can, and I feel like that should count for something. Apparently with a lot of my friends, it hasn’t. So be it. I’m a cut-my-losses-and-walk-away kind of person though, so ultimately it depends on what you want the outcome to be.