- Wedding: Perthshire, Scotland
anonymousbee88: First of all I feel for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think there is a multitude of issues here, which I’ll share my thoughts/advice on below in case it helps provide you with some support.
1. Regarding the porn thing, eveyone is different and it’s up to you to ascertain how you feel about this however I can completely relate to your point about ‘It’s not the actual thing that upset me as much as it was hidden from me’ – I’ve been in a situation before when my Fiance would delete his history before letting me use his computer and lied to me about his use of porn: this led to a couple of days of discussions all whilst feeling sick to my stomach. I also am not upset about porn consumption in a healthy manner, in fact I’m all about it – I watch it more than he does, my Fiance watches it and sometimes we watch it together. However the honesty part was very nearly a dealbreaker for me and I let him know this in no uncertain terms. If this was the only issue I’d suggest open, honest conversation about how to compromise on this: in my situation my Fiance explained he didn’t want me to see anything that would upset me (which it woudln’t, it’s pretty run of the mill) and offered to makes changes (including offering all access to his devices and history, and not going incognito anymore) and is now completely honest about it. For this I do trust him: I don’t need to look at anything he does, I just have an issue if things are actively hidden from me as this would make me question the trust in our relationship. I mention this point because I think it’s important for you to understand in any future relationship you are allowed to establish an open, honest level of communication about this subject – not every person out there hides things as personal. Don’t let anyone tell you what you are and are not okay with and what needs to be personal – it’s your choice too regarding whether you’re comfortable with that or not. Respect yourself and your own comfort levels by not settling.
2. The hundreds/thousands of pictures of real-life class mates/friends he “uses” is sickening to me. This is psycho/stalker/sex addict behaviour in my opinion – I genuinely don’t know what word adequetely describes how horrific this is. These are real life people who you and he both know and if he seeks out and “uses” their pictures for that purpose can you honestly say you think he isn’t thinking about that every time he sees/interacts with them. The fact it spans back years means it’s improbable it will change (certainly not without help) anytime soon and if he tells you he has stopped I can almost guarantee he is lying to you. He spends a *lot* of his time on facebook stalking these girls – what does that say to you about who he really is. I’m sorry to say it but this is clearly a major part of who he is: at least you know sooner than later. All guys to NOT do this – I have never heard of anything so twisted before now. Normally I would suggest supporting your other half through an addiction but I cannot recommend that in this case: it’s up to you whether you can live with what he has done for years and whether you feel he 100% has the capacity and desire to change.
3. The comment to his friend is, as you rightly know, incredibly disrespectful: to you, to her, and to women. Is that the kind of person you want to build a life with? Is that the kind of person you really want to have around your friends, family, and potentially have a family with one day, with him as a role model?!
4. In the right type of open, honest relationship in my opinion you shouldn’t ever have to feel like you’re doing detective work – nothing needs to be out of bounds, if you’re uncomfortable about something don’t apologise for checking it out, however, honestly, you shouldn’t feel like you have to. You’re absolutely right – if anything is harmless, he should be comfortable enough to show you/discuss it with you. If he isn’t then it isn’t harmless.
To answer your question ‘what would you do?’, I would be out of there like a shot. Any one of the above for me would be a deal-breaker – all 3 combined, hell no. I strongly suggest you get some support from the friend who you confided in and if you feel you can, start to make a plan for how you are going to move on from this. It speaks volumes that not one PP on the bee has said they would be able to stay and work through this, and I think from your post you know what to do – we will support you! You deserve a million times better than this and it is out there!