(Closed) He's about to propose — I have cold feet.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Trust your gut — get out of the relationship.

I wouldn’t even wait until he proposed to say “No”; I’d end things ASAP. 

Don’t put yourself through unnecessary hardship, heartbreak, and marital strife. Nothing good will come from moving forward with this relationship, even if you hold off on marrying him. He has issues that could cause so much trouble for you and get so much worse. 

Ask yourself, what else is he capable of? I don’t think you should find out by living through it.

Post # 77
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

anonymousbee88:  from what I’ve read from you, I would not accept any proposal and if he needs a reason, you have plenty. Maybe later on after he has shown you that you can trust him you can move forward to that step.

Post # 78
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

Porn I personally don’t have an issue with but fb pics of women I know IRL no way, I would break up with him before he proposes.

Post # 79
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

you said:
“I have cold feet because I’ve recently noticed I have huge trust issues.”

“I don’t want anyone to have a negative impression of him.”
“Bees, I know what you’re going to say — and you’re right. I should not have been doing this kind of detective work. You’re totally right.”

 It is extremely upsetting how lightly you are taking this, and how you keep twisting things around to imply you are the one in the wrong, you are the one who has trust issues, and you’re the one who shouldnt have been snooping. NO. he is a manipulative pervert who doesn’t deserve you. I hope you are actually reading our responses because this is just wrong. 

Post # 80
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

After reading the title of this thread I was not expexting this. Sorry but I have to agree he is not a guy who should be in a committed relationship. It’s not something all guys do. Wanting privacy is one thing but that isn’t the issue here. He is just out of line. I hope you don’t marry him and sorry you had to get to the point of almost marrying him before you discovered this but at least breaking up is logistically easier than divorce, obviously not emotionally easier.

Post # 81
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I personally would not marry a guy like this. My husband is a true gentleman, he would never talk like that about other girls to his friends, let alone in front of me. He does not have a stash of porn on his computer, or creepy folders filled with pics of his friends.

I think you can do better. but only you can decide that.

Post # 82
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

anonymousbee88:  My jaw was increasingly dropping as I read your thread. I loved how you knew each other all this long, and that you think he’s proposing. But I am not feeling easy with all that you have found about him.

Please do not apologize for doing this “detective” work, your instinct knows best, and it was driving you to find the truth all along, so embrace that radar!

 

Also, lets establish some ground basics, we enter relationships/marriage based on mutual/common grounds/logic/trust/emotions and needs. When one partner breaches one of these elements, it no longer holds the same mutual/common elements. You two are NOT on the same page right now, for he can’t stop what he’s doing (chronic issue/needs major help or NOT) and you CAN’T stop being hurt and upset by it (and you shouldn’t).

Please don’t expect him to come out and tell YOU about all this, of course he wil be hiding it. We hide the things that we don’t feel comfortable sharing. Please don’t expect him to promise that he won’t do it again, because he can’t. He’s doing it for a reason, and not until that reason is lifted/fulfilled he will change his behavior. 

Bottom line, you can not change him, he can not change how you feel about it. How is it possible to proceed? If you can’t live with it today, how can you live with it for the next 2 or 3 decades? 

Post # 83
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Your thread title should change to: He’s about to propose, I’m about to DIP! Cold feet are a Miracle in this case!

Post # 84
Member
1954 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I asked my husband if I were the kind of person your SO is in our relationship, if he would leave me. He said yes before I finished asking the question. Please put yourself first here.

Post # 85
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

A very close friend of mine found her husbands porn stash on his computer once. It was a lot of rough stuff, and was slightly over her comfort level in style/amount but she let it be. 

Months later she was looking for family vacation pictures and came across his REAL stash and it was every disgusting thing in the book: gang rape, beastiality, child pornography; the works. She was uneasy about finding it the first time and turns out it was just the tip of the iceberg. I’m sorry, but the level of work and hours he’s put into searching, watching, cataloging, and using these pictures makes it seem like there’s an iceberg under there….  🙁

Post # 86
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016 - 1950s themed bar

My Fiance likes porn occasionally but I am TOTALLY against it. I told him that when we moved in together, it was a huge no no, and I didn’t want him watching it or having any access to it under our roof. And he has respected that, but the major thing is that he allows me into his phone, lets me use his computer etc whenever I want, he is totally open with all passwords etc. I never asked for it but when things have come up (like I want to google something) if his tech is handy, he offers it to me. He even lets me see his fb convos with people (guys and girls). He just does not care what I see because he knows he has nothing to hide, and vice versa. 

I would not feel comfortable with what your SO is doing and would definitely say no if he proposed and even possibly break up with him but I’m much more adverse to porn/pictures than others…and what he said was totally horrible and not guy talk at all. Copying FB pics is creeeepy. I would confront him about this now and get it all out in the open and see if he’s open to getting help or at least explaining his need to do this. If he could at least be honest with you about that then it could work out. If he brushes it away or tries to start a fight out of it then that’s worrying

Post # 87
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: Perthshire, Scotland

anonymousbee88:  First of all I feel for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think there is a multitude of issues here, which I’ll share my thoughts/advice on below in case it helps provide you with some support. 

1. Regarding the porn thing, eveyone is different and it’s up to you to ascertain how you feel about this however I can completely relate to your point about ‘It’s not the actual thing that upset me as much as it was hidden from me’ – I’ve been in a situation before when my Fiance would delete his history before letting me use his computer and lied to me about his use of porn: this led to a couple of days of discussions all whilst feeling sick to my stomach. I also am not upset about porn consumption in a healthy manner, in fact I’m all about it – I watch it more than he does, my Fiance watches it and sometimes we watch it together. However the honesty part was very nearly a dealbreaker for me and I let him know this in no uncertain terms. If this was the only issue I’d suggest open, honest conversation about how to compromise on this: in my situation my Fiance explained he didn’t want me to see anything that would upset me (which it woudln’t, it’s pretty run of the mill) and offered to makes changes (including offering all access to his devices and history, and not going incognito anymore) and is now completely honest about it. For this I do trust him: I don’t need to look at anything he does, I just have an issue if things are actively hidden from me as this would make me question the trust in our relationship. I mention this point because I think it’s important for you to understand in any future relationship you are allowed to establish an open, honest level of communication about this subject – not every person out there hides things as personal. Don’t let anyone tell you what you are and are not okay with and what needs to be personal – it’s your choice too regarding whether you’re comfortable with that or not. Respect yourself and your own comfort levels by not settling. 

2. The hundreds/thousands of pictures of real-life class mates/friends he “uses” is sickening to me. This is psycho/stalker/sex addict behaviour in my opinion – I genuinely don’t know what word adequetely describes how horrific this is.  These are real life people who you and he both know and if he seeks out and “uses” their pictures for that purpose can you honestly say you think he isn’t thinking about that every time he sees/interacts with them. The fact it spans back years means it’s improbable it will change (certainly not without help) anytime soon and if he tells you he has stopped I can almost guarantee he is lying to you. He spends a *lot* of his time on facebook stalking these girls – what does that say to you about who he really is. I’m sorry to say it but this is clearly a major part of who he is: at least you know sooner than later. All guys to NOT do this – I have never heard of anything so twisted before now. Normally I would suggest supporting your other half through an addiction but I cannot recommend that in this case: it’s up to you whether you can live with what he has done for years and whether you feel he 100% has the capacity and desire to change.

3. The comment to his friend is, as you rightly know, incredibly disrespectful: to you, to her, and to women. Is that the kind of person you want to build a life with? Is that the kind of person you really want to have around your friends, family, and potentially have a family with one day, with him as a role model?!

4. In the right type of open, honest relationship in my opinion you shouldn’t ever have to feel like you’re doing detective work – nothing needs to be out of bounds, if you’re uncomfortable about something don’t apologise for checking it out, however, honestly, you shouldn’t feel like you have to. You’re absolutely right – if anything is harmless, he should be comfortable enough to show you/discuss it with you. If he isn’t then it isn’t harmless.

To answer your question ‘what would you do?’, I would be out of there like a shot. Any one of the above for me would be a deal-breaker – all 3 combined, hell no. I strongly suggest you get some support from the friend who you confided in and if you feel you can, start to make a plan for how you are going to move on from this. It speaks volumes that not one PP on the bee has said they would be able to stay and work through this, and I think from your post you know what to do – we will support you! You deserve a million times better than this and it is out there!

Post # 88
Member
2978 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t marry a man who isn’t honest.

Don’t marry a man who doesn’t respect women.

 Don’t marry a man who doesn’t share your ideas of morality.

Post # 89
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

That’s fucking creepy. He’d be out the door and I’d be telling the girls about their stalker.

Post # 90
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

The proposal is the least of your problems. I have no issue with FH occasionally looking at porn,  but your partner sounds disgusting.  Saving pictures of women off of Facebook is perverted and sick. He is a creep and you deserve better! Reading this made my skin crawl, and I don’t know about the other women on here but the thought of someone stealing my Facebook images to get off on without my knowledge is absolutely repulsive  and disturbing. I am thoroughly creeped out, this is not normal man behaviour and please don’t let him manipulate and bully you into doubting your gut instinct, because hunny you are right!

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