(Closed) He’s being so mean to me today. and lately. :(

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2039 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That definitely does not sound nice or fair…I’m sorry he’s being such a downer and making you upset. Do you guys typically have issues communicating? He’s allowed to be in a bad mood, obviously, but it’s not ok for him to take it out on you or make you feel so bad when you haven’t done anything. 

Also, the fact that this always happens right before you meet with wedding people makes me think that it might have something to do with the fact that he’s stressed about the wedding, feeling anxious about it/paying for it/hving the wedding (not that he doesn’t want to marry you, just that the whole shindig can be stressful!!). Have you guys spent any time together where you haven’t talked about the wedding at all? Like a fun no-wedding weekend, where you go somewhere new (restaurant, mini vacation, etc) and don’t mention anything related to the wedding? 

Post # 4
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh sweetie, how long has this been going on?  Has he always had this kind of way about him – and you are noticing it more because of wedding stuff?  Or, is this completely new behavior? 

Step 1: Stop apologizing.  It isn’t helping and it is giving him all the control.  It’s ok to feel bad because he is upset, but if you didn’t do anything then don’t apologize.

Step 2: You need to let him know how much this is upsetting you.  How you don’t understand what makes the switch flip for him.  You don’t know how you are upsetting him so much.  What else is going on with him that could be stressing him out – work?  Family?  Maybe he’s getting cold feet?

Step 3: Figure out what else is going on.  This is an optional step, but sometimes these attitude changes happen because he is trying to cover something up.  Has he been distant?  Has he been texting a lot?  Has he been working over time?  Has he been going out more?  I wouldn’t rule out anything at this point.

Most of all, I hope you are ok.  This isn’t your fault! 

Post # 5
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that this happens a lot during the wedding planning process. It seems like every time we are about to meet with someone or check out a place, we get in some stupid fight. I don’t know if it is because I am so stressed about it all, and he is more like ” I really dont care”. Who knows…

I think you should just try to calm yourself down and once you two are in a good moment with eachother- talk it out and explain yourself. I realized that texting or talking when someone is at work is the worst thing you can do.

As women, we are so emotional and if we  don’t hear what we want…it will effect the rest of our day. 🙁 Im sorry, but know you are not alone.

Post # 6
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It sounds like he’s projecting his own stuff on to you. Perhaps he’s stressed out about the wedding or marriage, or maybe it’s something totally unrelated, but clearly he’s got something eating at him that he’s not telling you about and it’s coming out sideways. Wait until you are both calm and talk to him about it.

 ETA I agree with Backyardlovebird, stop aplogizing if you have done nothing to apologize for. He needs to own his behaviour, and you making exscuses and shifting the blame onto yourself is not going to solve anything. It just keeps burying the real issue.


Post # 7
100 posts
Blushing bee

@agirlwithdreams7: I agree, I think something about the wedding is stressing him out.  You two need to get to the root cause of the problem because it sounds like he is glossing over what is really making him upset. 

Since he is all over the place right now it might be a good idea to speak to a councilor either together or seperately (at first) to help smooth over the issue.  You might try your church or some other supportive neutral 3rd party. 

Good luck

Post # 9
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He’s stressed out about the wedding and is finding fault with you as a way of alleviating his own guilt. You two need to talk before you do anything further. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 12
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@agirlwithdreams7: It sounds like he’s being a bit of an emotional blackmailer. You need to call him on it. Plain and simple. Unless you are willing to deal with it forever, nip it. Now. If you can’t wait for him to be in a better mood, then don’t. It may be a fight, but sometimes fights are good.


Post # 13
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@agirlwithdreams7:  I agree that it sounds like you’re both under a lot of stress.  You’ve brought up a lot of stuff (like your sex life, crazy work schedules, etc); the wedding is probably just adding to everything.

To me (and this is just my opinion), it sounds like both you aren’t communicating.  He may be bringing up past stuff and rehashing old arguments, but is it possible that he just thinks that you guys are fighting about the same stuff over and over (even if the actual topics are different) again?  He’s not being AT ALL fair to you in attacking you and doing this, I’m just wondering if he thinks no one is listening.  Of course you’re going to be in quiet mood if you feel like he’s going to jump down your throat.  

My husband and I have used the following discussion tricks before:  You agree to listen to each others’ arguments or points of view, without interrupting!  So, you go first and tell him why you’re upset.  He then says “I hear that you’re upset about…..” and that way you know that he’s a least heard you.  There are no excuses or “buts” here.  Feelings are feelings.  You should also use a lot of I statements: “I feel like when you jump on me first thing in the morning….”  Then switch.  We’ve found that this works when we’re fighting.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Planning a wedding is tough enough.  You guys should be on the same page.  

Post # 14
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@agirlwithdreams7: You say this has been going on for a year….how long have you guys been engaged?

Post # 15
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

And men think women are confusing?! Lol. Hope you guys can figure things out.  My fiance was feeling really stressed about all the wedding things going on and we would get into little fights about it.  Sounds kind of similar to what is going on with you and your Fiance.  We sat down and talked and he feels overwhelmed when that seems to be all we talk about anymore.  We both come from divorced families so marriage was something he’s always been a little weary of.

After having a completely honest and open conversation where neither of us yelled or got mad at each other we’ve been able to put all the worry aside and figure out a plan to keep us both less stressed.

Post # 16
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

“he just wakes up in some kind of mood and decides to blame me for having an attitude or being negative or something like that when I haven’t said a word”

Next time he does this, ask him to state specifically what is coming across as negative or having an attitude. If he can’t think of anything, you have your proof for him that he’s just projecting his own crappy mood onto you. If he tries to bring up something that happened yesterday or last week or however long ago, tell him that’s not the issue and you want to know the reason he’s being pissy to you at this moment. If there was no trigger, again, he’s just projecting.

Don’t apologize when you know you’ve done nothing to aggravate this behavior,; start making him realize that his problem is not with you. It sounds like seeing you carefree and happy is making him feel anger and jealousy because he’s stressed out, and he’s trying to take you down a notch so he’s not the only miserable one.

Out of curiosity, has he ever been checked out for anxiety problems? My ex used to act very similarly to what you’re describing, and it turned out he had General Anxiety Disorder. It was easier for him to act like I was the one with the problem rather than admit to himself that his views of the world were skewed.

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