(Closed) He’s being so mean to me today. and lately. :(

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@agirlwithdreams7: I would check if there are any support groups in your area for people with anxiety disorders. When I finally convinced my ex he needed to get help, he started going to a group run by our university, and even just talking with others who were going through the same thing did him a world of good.

Post # 19
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I haven’t read all of the comments, but wanted to say that my Fiance tends to get like this, too. I figured out that it usually happens when he is upset about something bigger that he doesn’t know how to communicate in words. He’s not good about talking about his feelings. He was like this in the beginning of wedding planning and we sat down and talked until I got it out of him that he was having issues because almost every marriage in his family has failed. Sometimes he gets like this when he is stressed over money because we have a tight budget. I try to be nice and soothing until he gets settled and we can talk about it until we figure out what’s really wrong. I don’t mean to make him sound like a child, but it’s just that he doesn’t know how to communicate these things. I think it’s getting better, although sometimes he is in a mood and it’s better to just leave him alone for a while and then talk later. Good luck and hope it gets better!

Post # 21
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

stop apologizing! why are you apologizing?

tell him he’s being an ass!

Post # 22
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

@agirlwithdreams7:  I usually tell him, “Okay, I don’t know why you are in a bad mood, but I don’t think I did anything to make you mad.  Please don’t take it out on me.  Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”  Sometimes he doesn’t even know what’s bothering him until we start talking.  I agree don’t apologize if you don’t have anything to apologize for, but try to make him see that he’s not really upset with YOU.  It’s usually about other stuff and you are the easiest person to take it out on.

Post # 24
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

@agirlwithdreams7:  Oh yes, anger or alcohol can completely take away his ability to be reasonable and rational.  Its infuriating sometimes.  He listens to me talk, but when he is like that, I might as well be talking to a brick wall because he isn’t really HEARING what I am saying.  Sometimes I can break through that and sometimes I can’t.  Its something we are working on, but sometimes I just have to give him some space until he’s ready to hear me.

Post # 25
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m so sorry.  I went through a similar experience with an ex years ago.  Nearly everything you describe happened to me too in terms of the little things like no hand holding, being in moods when things are planned, etc.  Often I would have to cancel plans, or go without him last minute, or make excuses for the mood.  Things would be fine and suddenly he’d find a reason to be upset at me. Your comment about storming off and then calling 15 minutes later sounds sooo familiar.  I would constantly be apologizing for things that weren’t even my fault or even a real problem. A few hours apart can definitely help Smile

 

I would be honest and let him know you’re upset when this is supposed to be a happy time and see if maybe you can discuss things when he isn’t in a mood.  Good luck to you!

Post # 27
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I joined just to chime in because your guy sounds exactly like my ex. First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through so much distress. My heart is with you. I’ve been there. My ex made me feel worthless, he’d get in these crazy moods, he’d always turn it around on me, never listened to me, didn’t care if he said hurtful words, or if I was crying.

 

Look. Men are not children. Why do women always make excuses for this type of behavior?? “Oh it’s stress, oh it’s anxiety, oh I shouldn’t have made him mad, etc.”

 

NO. He needs to be accountable for his behaviors and actions. There really is no excuse to leave you torn and crying and feeling so badly over the past YEAR. IF he IS stressed, depressed, anxious, whatever, then he should NOT be taking it out on YOU. That’s ludicrous, selfish and childish. As an adult, he should have a higher emotional intelligence and control his temper and moods. If he’s not capable of doing that, then maybe he needs to seek professional help and you two need to seriously sort this out before you get married. Furthermore, if he’s not ready to be accountable for his behaviors and how it is seriously affecting you, then maybe he’s not ready to commit to a marriage.

 

I think people make the mistake of thinking once you’re married everything will be fine, but if it’s hard now, it’ll be much harder when you’re married, with a house, kids, jobs, and all the stress that entails.  If you can’t communicate now, and you’re tiptoeing around him and his mood swings, then I can’t imagine what it would be like with all of those additional stressors.

 

That’s my 2 cents. I’m not making excuses for him. The truth is what he is doing is not ok, and you say yourself that he’s pushing you away. You’re not even married yet- is this what you want forever?

 

 

Post # 30
Member
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@agirlwithdreams7: I’m not worried about you, it sounds like you’re coping fine with your anxiety 🙂 But he’s clearly not doing so well with it if he keeps being an ass to you for no good reason. I hope he figures out that he can’t just use you as an emotional punching bag when he feels overwhelmed.

Post # 31
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

the SAME thing happened with us around the 2 month mark of our engagement (we’re only engaged 8 months total). He kept being extremely short with me and making me feel like a total asshole. Belittling and rude. Also, he was drinking a lot. Like to the point of blacking out every weekend. I started feeling like he didn’t want to marry me and this was his way to telling me.

I eventually couldn’t deal with it anymore and gave it right back to him. I just told him how I felt and it was unfair for him to make me feel like less than amazing. He finally explained that he was just super stressed at work and the wedding talk was just making him anxious. I’m sure he was downplaying, but honestly since then it’s been a million times better. We are good communicators and open with one another, but sometimes our emotions get the best of us.

 

Good luck to you. Be honest with him and yourself. I am sure it will work out.

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