(Closed) He’s calling it off….???

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@bearlove:  THIS.

I agree that it’s much better that he brings these feelings up now, however, he does not get a free ride living off of you whilel deciding if he wants you or not. Take some control. This is your life.

Post # 63
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If he REALLY wants space, he’ll move in with his parents or a friend. If he’s still living with you but still demands ‘space’ I’d be pretty suspicious. Tell him to get out while he’s thinking about it, otherwise you’re financially supporting someone who sounds like he’s just waiting to break up with you.

I wont speculate about who that text was really meant for, but I think the first thing you need to do is start living apart while he’s going through whatever phase it is. Only then will the two of you have ‘space’. It’s incredibly selfish and hurtful of him to stay with you while toying with your emotions.

Post # 64
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Number 1, I am so sorry you are going through this.  At 26, you are in no way an old lady. I met my husband when I was 26, a few months after breaking up with a total douche.

Number 2, if he wants space, he can pack up his sh*t and go find some.  I agree with the others that it sounds like he is testing the waters with someone new.  He wants to see if he likes that better… if he doesn’t, he’ll just return to you.  

In short, you deserve better, and I know you’ll find better.  

Post # 65
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@strawbs:  It’s possible that you may have missed this earlier portion of my very long introductory clause in that sentence:

“I still believe that, for those who want to be married …” 

I do realize that a marriage certificate does not mean the same thing to all people. and that is why I inserted this qualifier when making this statement.

ETA:  And, yes, even married people sometimes end up in situations similar to this. However, there generally are legal protections involved in the division of marital property that likely are not present in situations like that in which the OP now find herself.

Post # 66
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

OP, I am boiling with anger for you right now.

Ask him to move out. If you give him a deadline for moving out and he doesn’t do it, pack his things and put them outside. If you’re paying any of his personal bills, stop.

When he’s out of the house you will be able to think with a clearer head. Ask him what he means when he says there are things he’s not satisfied with in the relationship. You have the right to get a straight answer. Then you can decide what to do.

But remember this: Anyone who tears you down, abuses your trust, or lashes out their own insecurities and garbage on you – should not get to stay in your life.

At 26 years old you’re still young.

Post # 67
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Brielle:  Newsflash:  Being legally married is a guarantee of NOTHING, either.

Post # 68
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Sunfire:  Please see my edit in my second post, above. I do believe there is still an important distinction based on the legal protections involved.

Post # 69
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Brielle:  but I want to be married, and I don’t see marriage as the only way to demonstrate my commitment to someone. I’m just getting the impression from you that you think I (and others like me who aren’t married or aren’t married yet but are in loving, COMMITTED relationships) am less committed to my relationship because I’m not married yet and you are. That’s my point.

Post # 70
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Brielle:  Sorry, I’m just taking issue with the fact that you seem to be implying that relationships that aren’t a legal marriage are less committed or valid than those who are.  I agree that “legally speaking” it makes a difference.  The law protects the legally married much more than those who are not.  And that is a damn shame, really, since there are many who would love to be legally married and CAN’T because of the F’d-up government. 

Post # 71
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

OP – This is what I would do. And it would break my heart in your situation but I think that to save your sanity, these are some musts.

1 – Give him a week to gather his things and leave. If he wants space he needs to find somewhere to do that. It is unfair and unreasonable of him to expect you to live with him while living ‘separate’ lives. You’re not roommates. If he doesn’t move out within a week, call a locksmith and change the locks. Leave his belongings on the front step or in the hallway of your apt.

2 – Let him go. Do not try to talk to him or convince him or figure out what he’s actually trying to do. He said he wants space, give him space. You’ve been through a lot together and if he truly loves and appreciates you, losing you from his life will be devestating. If it’s not devestating to lose you, then he is not someone you should waste another second on. He will either realize exactly how awful life is without you, or he’s a shmuck.

3 – Talk to someone close to you. A BFF or your mom or even a bee who you can talk to. This sucks and it’s shitty and you have every right to be upset and sad and torn about what to do. Do not feel ashamed, do not feel embarrassed. But do talk to someone.

4 – 26 is so young. The average woman doesn’t get married until she’s 28-29 anyway. Do not feel bad about how you feel. But if he’s serious and he’s ending things, you will be okay. You will. Don’t worry about this now. It’s far better than finding out that your husband doesn’t love you or is having an affair when you’re 38 and have three kids. (just a hypothetical).

5 – Smile. You are an amazing, successful, loving woman.

Post # 72
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AriaAmante:  “Oh honey.  This sounds exactly like my ex husband, except, being the jackass he was, he waited until AFTER the wedding to confess these “feelings” he’d been having about our relationship.”

Well, technically the OP’s Fiance hadn’t even told her to her face yet what he was feeling. She found out through a fumbled text message. He may well have just gone through with the wedding in the end. Who knows? OP, you really should feel lucky that this happened before and not after marriage and perhaps even kids. Find the person you were really meant to marry. Don’t waste your time on this disaster.

Post # 73
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

@strawbs:  & 

View original reply
@totheislnds:  

Can you imagine the look on his face when a couple of bees show up to kick him to the curb? 😉  Bzzzzz…..

Post # 74
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BellaDee:  This was my exact first thought as well.  I reread it multiple times after that.

 

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I don’t really have any advice beyond what other posters have said.  We’re here for you.

Post # 75
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Miss.Meow:  I met now-FI at 25, started dating at 26 and am getting married at 31.  There is no “right time” – whenever it works out for each individual person is their right time.  Finding the right person is much more important than settling down with the wrong person at the “right time”!  Don’t stress over that too much.  More importantly, try to take a step back, a lot of deep breaths and just work out your thoughts on everything.  

Post # 76
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

OH MY Wow a part of me thinks he is just scared because planning a wedding can be so stressful or maybe because he just doesnt want to be with you anymore. And he still wants to live with you oh my god i would kick his butt right to the curb …Him saying he may want to get married thats not for sure thats a way for him to still be on somewhat good terms with you because he knows he cant afford to get out there on his own.

SIGH —

Hugs Hugs Hugs this going to be hard for awhile and i just feel so bad but you will make it through …

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