(Closed) He’s calling it off….???

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Lt.Columbo:  i agree with number 2.. If anyone saw the movie Waiting To Exhale — ” Get your Sh** and get out ” !!!!!!!!!!

Post # 78
Member
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know that if this is how he is feeling then I definitely am glad that he is being honest and letting me know now.

 

You do realize that more chances than not are that he wrote that text and meant it for someone else and he wasn’t being “honest” with you…he just got caught.

 

Think about it.

Post # 79
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Brielle:  Highly disagree. People can be very committed to each other, want to be married, but want to live together first for whatever reason. And there is nothing wrong with that. I would not have married someone I did not have a fully invested, committed, connected relationship with to begin with, or who held back on that until marriage. A marriage license does not suddenly make someone more committed, even if it makes them more legally bound in SOME situations. Commitment is a decision made in the heart long before any marriage certificate shows up, and sometimes, the legalities are made without that commitment at all.

I have had the experience of living with someone I did not marry, an ex-common law partner, and with living with someone I did, my husband, and I am grateful for both experiences. Just because one did not turn out as expected, did not mean it was a bad thing or a bad experience to have had. I learned a tremendous amount from the relationship with my ex that only improved my life in ways I could not imagine, even if the ending was difficult. I am also grateful I was NOT married to him before we moved in together.

However, OP is in Ontario. She DOES have legal protections for common-law relationships, if they met those requirements. I do not know if she does, but it is not correct to say that people who live together, rather than marry, don’t have protections. Where I live in Alberta, for example, an adult interdependent relationship – aka common law relationship – provides legal rights and obligations to couples and individuals in the same way marriage does. There is just no divorce involved, but you still have separation agreements, property separation, etc. Couples can also enter into cohabitation agreements if they choose in many areas, including Ontario.

Not that I think the issues of shared property are foremost in the OP’s mind at the moment.

Post # 80
Member
3054 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Brielle:  I understand your feelings on this, but realize that it can work for some couples. It is a risk they are taking and it could turn bad sure. But you just never know.

I have lived with my husband for a couple years before we got married and we were wanting to get married the entire time. Just did not really have the financial capabilities just then. But yes we did run the risk that if we did broke up then we would be hurting emotionally and financially in some way. I was just very lucky that I had met someone that truly loves me and we were in no rush to get married right then, just when we could afford it.

That other relationship I had, with the ex I talked about, he was living with me yes and yes I made some stupid decisions to help him out not thinking he would ever hurt me. When I had found out, I was in debt and my credit was blown and he had refused to pay me anything back whatsoever. So then there is that. Yes, there are legal protections in marriage that probably would have helped me. But honestly? He was a low-life with no money so I would still be in the same boat.

 

Post # 81
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

kick his ass out!

Just tell him “oh well… i might wanna still live with you… or not… i need space…”

Give him a spoon of his own medicine!

Sweetie, i bet you’re a wonderful person and you dont need to take that sh*t from nobody, specially someone who was supposed to love you forever and it’s not doing as he promised.

Post # 82
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I learned from a previous relationship that when someone tells you that they maybe want to get married in the future but not right now that what they’re really saying is that they don’t want to marry you. Some men are cowards and won’t say what they really mean and expect the other person to make the decision for them.

OP, make him move out and if you want try to figure out things while you live apart but I truly would move on. You’re only 26, you have so much time to meet somoene!

Post # 83
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

So sorry you’re going through this.  I agree with other Bees that you need to remove him from your home.  Just be careful that if you kick him out, and he has a “change of heart” that it is acctually because he wants to be with you and not because he had a dose of reality and doesn’t want continue living on his friend’s couch and have to pay his own bills.

*virtual hugs*

Post # 84
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m very sorry to hear that. Actually 2 weeks ago i went through the SAME thing! no joke, everything was already done, invite were printed and ready to be sent, and just everything was ready. He wasn’t acting right, we were barely talking. And then one day he says we are cancelling the wedding. He said he doesnt want to get married hes not ready. We didnt speak for about 2 days. But we finally sat down and talked it out. We almost broke up, but after talking it out about 3 times, we decided we wouldnt talk about the wedding anymore because he said it was too much to handle. So we went on with our lives, about a week later i asked him if he would ever want to get married, he said yes in a couple of years. So now we are just acting like nothing happened.  

So maybe yall just need to really talk it out again. I wish the best for you. I hope everything works out.

Post # 85
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i’m sorry you are going through this but it is better to find out now than later.  don’t even worry about the wedding deposits, etc.   your happiness is the most important right now.

i would never want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me 100%.  no one should.

you need to start living “your” life.  you are still young and you deserve the best.  don’t settle.

Post # 86
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

Firstly you need to see exactly what conversation he was having with this “friend”. Don’t ask to see his phone, as he will just delete the messages. I normally wouldn’t recommend snooping, but in this case I think it’s justified. Snoop on his phone to see who he was texting and what the rest of the conversation was about. As others have said, it sounds more like a text you would send to an affair partner, not a buddy.

Then kick him out. He needs to realize what it’s like to no longer have you in his life. As long as he thinks he has you on a leash, he’ll string you along and mess you about, and take his own sweet time deciding what to do while feeling comfortable in the knowledge that you’ll accept him back at any time. NO. Kick him out – it seems harsh, but it’s your only chance of getting him back. You need to shock him out of that comfort zone where he feels secure that you’ll be there if he decides he wants you, and shock him into realizing what he’s losing.

I’m truly sorry this has happened. He didn’t even have the courage to tell you – you found out by accident. He has a lot of making up to do if he ever wants a second chance with you.

Post # 87
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would pack his things and change the locks. If this is what he wants, then give it to him (like other bees have said before). Pick up some containers and put his stuff outside and tell him to pick it up. Be strong girl. Start making calls to cancel things and if your still stuck with the dress, could you sell it? It might cost you a bit of money, but its better to now. Make sure he doesnt have access to any of your accounts OR credit cards. Show him you dont need him, and you dont!!! Hes a leech and let him leech of someone else.

Post # 88
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Miss.Meow:  I’m agreeing with the consesus here: Kick him the F*** out!

And if you can’t think of how to do it, Give Whitney Houston’s (RIP) song “it’s not right but It’s okay, a listen.

If he can’t figure out how he feels about you, he shouldn’t get the luxury of hanging about, mooching.

Kick his ass out and when ready, go find a real man who will love  you 200%!

Post # 89
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

After I read your initial post, I just thought that if you communicated well and took some time (apart or whatever you decide), things might still turn out okay. Kind of a waiting game.

But then I was like, I dunno this is a little fishy. I have no idea what it could be but I hope things turn out well for you.

Also, JennaMarbles posted a youtube video yesterday incidentally, about how waiting a long time to get married (like not until your 30’s) is what more people should do and not listen to “society’s” rules. So your post kind of reminded me of that.

Post # 90
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

I have to disagree with most everyone on here…. Honestly, it sounds simply like a case of cold feet.  He may have had someone on the side he was trying to get rid of and tried to play it off but you got upset and then maybe he realized he might have not been feeling ready from that fling because he was unloyal and didn’t want you to know.  Don’t ask him if he had a fling or accuse him of anything, just talk it out with him.  It will involve tears and maybe curse words and maybe a stuffed animal thrown to the ground but I think talking it out where you aren’t allowed to do anything else will help you find out what’s really going on and if you do need to cancel anything. Good luck.

Post # 91
Member
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I truly hate to say this, but that is exactly how I was treated while my ex was cheating on me. All the sudden, out of no where, he said he wasn’t sure about things – but he may want to work it out in the future.

Within a month of ending things, he was already in a new relationship with the woman he was cheating on me with.

Please, do what’s best for you in the long run.. leave this guy, and don’t continue to live with him.

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