Post # 92
I’m sorry that you are going through this now. I also agree with other bees.. take some time and figure it out. Figure out how YOU feel with everything as well and what YOU need. If he is the one who needs space, I do not think it wise for him to stay in your apartment with you supporting him.
You definitely have a lot of time before your wedding and ample time to sort through all this all. Make your decisions based on the relationship and where you two stand rather than the “other stuff” … the main issue is your relationship and your health. Try to not let the payments etc cloud that.
Best of luck, I hope everything works out for you
Post # 93
First of all, **HUGS** I am so sorry you are going through this.
I’m not sure if he is cheating or has major cold feet or what so I won’t concentrate on that part. What I do know, OP, is that he should not be living with you if he wants space from you. Make him stay at a friend’s, a hotel, his parents, somewhere other then under the same roof as you. He may just need some space and time to figure out what’s going on in his head. Almost a year into our relationship, Fiance and I had a massive argument and, after I convinced him that I did not want to break-up as I knew we had something, we took a week-long break. We weren’t living together at the time but he spent most nights at my place at that time. We didn’t see each or talk to each other and barely texted. We both needed to clear our heads, do some soul-searching and decide, on our own, that we wanted to make the relationship work. I won’t lie, it was a LONG week. I went back and forth between thinking no relationship was worth the pain I was going through and thinking I didn’t want to loose the love of my life.
If it doesn’t work out with your Fiance, don’t feel like you’re a failure because of your age or ended relationship. Everybody’s path to their version of happily ever after is different and there is no set blueprint or timeline. **HUGS**
Post # 94
@strawbs: I got a similar impression from her post too.
Just because another couple’s relationship takes a different path then yours doesn’t mean they are less committed to each other. And not-so-subtly implying that couples that live together prior to marriage don’t want to get married is probably not the best thing to say on a wedding board.
Post # 95
@Sunfire: okay cool I wasn’t the only one getting that impression from Brielle.
Post # 96
My fiance decided he wanted space, so he moved to the spare bedroom for awhile while we tried to work through things, and all it did was ultimately help him work towards finding a new relationship and put a wedge between us. He didn’t have anywhere to go, so financially I was supporting him while he started to live a separate life, all under the same roof. His lack of concern made things even more miserable because I wanted more…and he wanted even more space. I should’ve kicked him out at that time, but had faith in us to mend things. He left 4 months later to be with his co-worker and told me he just didn’t love me like he once did. Those words were the only thing I needed to hear, so I literally threw all of his things outside, and had the locks changed the same day. I dropped all communication and two months later he was begging for another chance. I never went back, and as devastated as I was, I truly believe it had to happen for me to realize that I am worthy of real love. Everyone wants to change themselves, or wonder what they did wrong, when a relationship goes sour, but it’s not you, it is 100% him. I have been there, and the best thing you can do is tell him he needs to leave in order for YOU to figure out things now. Your opinion and feelings are just as important as his, so take up for yourself, and tell him to “get to kickin rocks”. Once he is by himself and has time to miss you and realizes how wonderful you are, he will want to work things out. It will be your decision at that time to decide how you want to continue. I never got back with my fiance, which is a good thing since I met Mr. Jones two years later and we are getting married in August of this year. Have faith in yourself and God, and I promise everything will work out as it is meant to.
Post # 97
@RayKay: You bring up an excellent point. I did not even look to see where the OP lives, and I did formulate my comments about the legal protections based only on my limited knowledge of this in the U.S., where, according to my understanding, common-law marriage would not apply unless certain conditions and time thresholds had been met. I actually have zero knowledge about this matter for any other countries.
Also, it’s true that many (I would even say most) people do not see anything wrong with living together outside of marriage and, in fact, many believe it to be a very intelligent and prudent thing to do. It certainly is their right to exercise that belief and their freedom to make that choice as long as that is what both parties desire. I, personally, do not share that very popular view, however.
I agree that the legalities of marriage do not guarantee a commitment of the heart. If they did, the divorce rate would not be what it is today. However, I do believe that, to many people (clearly not all, based upon comments in this thread alone), taking the step of actually getting married does involve a greater level of commitment. If that were not the case, there would not be so many waiting bees who live with their SOs who also express their discontent about not yet having a ring or a wedding date. To me, and to many others, although marriage itself provides no guarantees of “til death do us part,” the fact that someone is willing to stand in front of (God, for some) and loved ones and make that type of promise provides a greater assurance of a person’s intent and willingness to strive for that outcome. In most cases (clearly, not all), it also makes it more difficult for someone to walk away.
Post # 98
My heart breaks for you OP. I’d give you a giant bear hug if I could.
I can’t help but agree with PP. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to have some space and see what happens, but he can’t afford to live on his own? Tough shit. Tell him you need your space too and he can GTFO and find his own somewhere else. If he wants a break, give it to him. You deserve no less than someone who wants to be with you 100%.
Pack his bags next time he leaves the house and have him arrange for a friend/family member to come retrieve him and his things. It hurts now, but consider this a bullet dodged. Stay strong pretty lady…we’re all here for you. PM me if you need to.
Post # 99
I also don’t think living together shows a lack of intent to marry. Hell, DH and I lived together before we were officially Dating! He was the one who was really excited to get married, I was certainly happy to marry him but I didn’t think it was as vital as he did.
I dont really think being married makes it ‘more difficult to walk away’ either. That almost makes it sound like if you are unhappy in a marriage you should just stick it out and be miserable. Not all marriage problems are fixable and I’m glad people have the option to divorce, I sure as hell am happy my parents divorced when I was a kid, it made them both (and me consquently) much happier.
OP I can’t do anything but echo others, don’t “kick” him out but suggest he leave for space. Also I’d be pissed he was talking about this issue with his FRIEND and not YOU first!
Post # 100
@mrsjones2b: During our divorce, I moved into the 3rd bedroom since we didn’t think we could afford an apartment. But then when I found footprints on the inside of his windshield from a girls feet while she was on her back, I decided I could afford anything to get out from under the same roof.
OP – Don’t let it get that bad. And please do come back and let us know how things work out.
Post # 101
@LuckyClover: It’s possible that you and some others may have misunderstood at least part of my comment. I do not believe that most couples who live together do not want to get married. My having included a qualifier regarding couples who want to get married (vs. those who do not) was because I realize that there are some couples who are perfectly content not to marry. I simply wanted to acknowledge that. However, you’re absolutely correct that most members of a wedding-related online community very likely DO want to be married, regardless of their views regarding living together before marriage.
Post # 102
@BellaDee: I thought that too (about a fling)
what @Sunfire said: “You’ve been supporting him and he doesn’t want to leave his living situation because he can’t afford to be on his own? I know it will be difficult but you do need to ask him to leave. You can’t trust him now. “
Post # 103
@Brielle: Can you and all of the others responding to your comments take this dialogue off this page and start your own thread if needed? At this point, it’s likely no longer helpful to the OP and is a sidebar discussion. For what it’s worth, I agree with some of the points on both sides (I for one rushed into living together with above described ex for convenience purposes, and greatly learned from that by making sure Fiance were on the same page regarding engagement/kids etc. before moving in together time two, but I am glad I did move in with FI).
Post # 104
I lived with my ex husband for over two years after we separated. It was hell for me in the beginning, and hell for him in the end. We were friends the entire time, but I paid a heavy emotional toll, as did he.
If you’re paying the bills and he needs space, send him to stay with a friend of family member while he gets his head on straight. Don’t let him stay there and make you watch him go about his business. It’ll only hurt you in the end, as well as your relationship (if he is telling the truth that me may want to work it out). It will always cause some sort of resentment.
Also, if you’re allowing him to stay because you think it will help your case in the end, think about something else. He may just be keeping the hope alive until he can figure something out. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. <hug>
Post # 105
@fiver: I dont really think being married makes it ‘more difficult to walk away’ either. That almost makes it sound like if you are unhappy in a marriage you should just stick it out and be miserable.
Yes. I do not want to stay, or someone to stay with me, as it is “more difficult to walk away” due to legal reasons. I want them to choose to stay with me as they simply do not WANT to walk away! My “ties” and commitment to my husband and my marriage, and vice versa, do not come from the fact we have a legal certificate stored away in our safe.
My parents are divorced too, and both went on to enter into relationships with others that they have each been in for 25+ years now, and both are in very happy and healthy relationships. I am glad they moved on!
Post # 106
@kay01: I actually have been concerned about that, as having a sidebar discussion was not at all my intent when I posted my original comment. I have been responding to others who have been commenting on my original comment. I do agree that we should not allow the focus of the OPs post to be lost amid other discussion.