(Closed) He’s calling it off….???

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Booknerd:  I have to disagree with most everyone on here…. Honestly, it sounds simply like a case of cold feet.  He may have had someone on the side he was trying to get rid of and tried to play it off but you got upset and then maybe he realized he might have not been feeling ready from that fling because he was unloyal and didn’t want you to know.  Don’t ask him if he had a fling or accuse him of anything, just talk it out with him.  It will involve tears and maybe curse words and maybe a stuffed animal thrown to the ground but I think talking it out where you aren’t allowed to do anything else will help you find out what’s really going on and if you do need to cancel anything. Good luck.


If he needed a FLING to decide he wanted to be with her, she deserves better. If he was unloyal, she deserves better. If he is not honest with her, she deserves better.

If someone has cold feet, they should respect and love their partner enough to talk to their partner and go to counseling if they want to address it. A mature, respectful, loving, and self-aware adult does not go and have a fling to test their feelings for their partner, and personally I do not think the OP should settle for any less than a mature, respectful, loving and self-aware adult. I would also hope that that a mature, respectful, loving and self aware adult does not need to have conversations about difficult things with curse words and thrown stuffed animals…

She has no choice but to cancel things if he has said he is not ready to go ahead with it!

Post # 108
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Brielle: &  

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@kay01:   Apologies, and apologies to OP.  She is who is really important here. 

And, Brielle, you brought up a good point.  This is “Wedding” Bees, lol.  We all have that in common.

OP, we are here for you and wish you all the best.  Nobody ever deserves to be hurt like this.  Please keep us updated on your situation.  I hope it works out well for you, whatever you decide to do.

Post # 109
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

So he wants to use you to help support him while he decides if HE wants to marry YOU, after you’ve worked to put him through school? I know we can’t tell about a relationship from just a post but I am actually pissed off for you. I know you are hurting but it makes me so mad when someone gets walked all over. I wonder if his tune would change if YOU told HIM he should wait and support you while you decide if YOU want to marry HIM. Sorry I’m upset for you!

Post # 110
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@BellaDee:  That’s exactly what came to my mind.

Post # 111
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Dear OP…

I spent 20+ Years in love with a guy (and in a marriage) with a Man that I loved waaaay more than he loved me.  Looking back, I would have to say I knew this BEFORE we got married, but I got married anyhow… I figured he’d change (be more enthusiastic about us) over time.  Didn’t happen.

He never cheated on me (as far as I know)… BUT I spent years in my marriage doubting myself and who I was.  I wasted a lot of time and energy on poor self-esteem and worrying constantly about him and his needs… him not so much about mine.

Here I am at 50+ and I’ve learned my lessons.  NO GUY is worth it… YOU ARE WORTH IT !!

If they aren’t over the moon about you BEFORE you get married, then they won’t be later… you want over the moon.  You DESERVE over the moon.

Your guy wants a break… give him one, kick him out.  Lol, as the other Bees have said, show him the door.

And hold strong to your beliefs and values.  It will be hard, but you can do sooo much better than this.  There is SOMEONE out there waiting to fall in love with the incredible you… let this guy go, and give that incredible someone the chance to meet you and be over the moon about you, and you head over heels about them.

Do not take this guy back… he’s had his chance.  He messed it up (whether he’s had an affair or not).  NO ONE should take you for granted, for you are a fantatic woman.

Hold strong… and get yourself the following 2 books they will help you see the light and end up with a fantastic guy in the future (Dr Phil’s “Love Smart” and Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”)… both will show you that you are a UNIQUE and AMAZING WOMAN and sooo DESERVE someone who figures that out and respects you and is HONOURED to be your partner.

I read both these books post-Divorce, and they truly smartened me up to what I needed to know and do… and in the end I started dating a much higher quality of guy… also gave me some inside knowledge to how men think (WHEN a guy wants to marry you… he will be in an urgent hurry to get this done… afraid that someone else is going to come along and turn your head).

I am now engaged to a FABULOUS man who is sooooo over the moon in love with me.  It is an AMAZING place to be… (a million times better than my first engagement)… and if it can happen to me at 50+ then it can most certainly happen to you.

As Greg Behrendt says… DO NOT WASTE THE PRETTY… and your youth on men that do not appreciate you.  Life is tooo short for this.

You want to move forward with your life, marriage, kids, etc.  Live happily ever after… it is obtainable, just make sure you pick the right guy from the get go.

Good luck, and do keep us posted… ya gotta know there are those of us here who truly care about fellow members of the hive.

 

 

Post # 112
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@RayKay:  I think she has a choice here besides violence and anger.  I am not one to give second chances, but I think they need to talk about it and that many of the people posting on this thread and being harsh about throwing him out and kicking his butt and all sorts of things. (Also, I’m hoping that we can get some more insight from OP to see which path does make more sense.)

Post # 113
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Please keep us updated— I hope you do kick him out, so he realizes he can’t mooch off you anymore!!

Post # 115
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@CallmeC  agree completely , you deserve better than that, why should you pay his expenses while he “figures things out”

Post # 116
Member
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m actually helping my close friend as of today with a divorce…It’s almost their 2 year anniversary.  Same situation..except he actually TOLD her he was using her for a place to live so he can save money and leave her.

 

Be smart.

Post # 117
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@BellaDee:  What an ass! I am so sorry your friend has to deal with that!

Post # 118
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Caution…this is long:

Dear OP:

When I was 26, I was in a horrible (although thankfully brief) relationship. I was treated like dirt by someone who I thought was a friend before he was my boyfriend and later found out he was just essentially using me for sex. Even though I knew this guy was a lousy boyfriend and something was off, I still tried really hard to make it work and when it didn’t, I also worried that I was behind where I should have been by that point in life. Even though I knew it wasn’t rational, I worried I would never find someone who really loved me.

After that experience, I took some time for myself to figure out what I really wanted out of life. I worked hard, got an apartment by myself, and took a trip on my own. Basically, I worked on making my life complete on my own. A few months later on a camping trip, I met the most amazing man I could have ever dreamed up. He was funny, smart, cute, and just incredibly thoughtful and selfless. I didn’t have to try hard to make it work (even though we lived two hours apart) because he was as fully invested in our relationship as I was and he made me feel special and loved every single day. He proposed to me two years to the day after we met on that camping trip and we got married in March of this year (six and a half months later). I’m 29 now.

I wish I could tell my 26 year old self that the right guy was out there. Ironically, he was the best friend of the horrible ex so really, I just missed by one the first time (although I don’t advocate dating an ex’s friends in general). 😉 Just focus on yourself and making the rest of your life what you want it to be and you’ll find someone who will make you happy beyond your wildest dreams. I really do understand how hard that is, but please realize that you’re an amazing person who deserves to have someone 100% committed to you. I don’t advise continuing to support him if he doesn’t want to work on your relationship (I’ve done that before, too). Just don’t stay with him because you’re worried you won’t get another chance. You will and I promise that the guy that’s waiting for you in the future is going to be great.

Good luck!

Post # 119
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sounds like he has cold feet. My now-husband and I had been dating for about 2 years when all of the sudden he broke up with me out of nowhere!  We had been talking about our future/moving in together and I think it freaked him out.  We were getting ready to go to bed that night and all of the sudden he says, “I don’t think I want to be with you…”  OBVIOUSLY I was furious and heartbroken.  So we broke up that night.  After being apart for a few months- we got back together.  And about 2 years after that we got engaged.  He said he knew he had made a mistake and when we got started dating again- he knew he was going to ask me to marry him some day.  Some guys need a lot of time to decide what they want (sometimes at our expense).  It sucks that this is happening to you when you are engaged- but don’t push it.  Give him his space (even thought I know it’s hard).  If you two are meant to be togehter- you will.  Everything happens for a reason although it’s not always pleasant.

Post # 120
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

Update?

 

How you holding up girlie?

Post # 121
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

OP : I have no idea if he is cheating like everyone assumes.  but I am so sorry this is happening to you.  i don’t suggest letting him have “space”.  he either works on the relationship or you seperate. let us know if you need to vent at any point.  and again, I’m so so sorry. no one deserves this uncertaincy.

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