(Closed) He's different

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@hisgirl10:  I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He says he is glad to be away from that scene. I used to be him. I was a rebel, born and raised Mormon. I started really going to church and honestly I am so glad to be away from that scene. Sometimes when I see old friends we look back on those times and yeah some were fun but I wouldn’t go back. Don’t worry.

Post # 4
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It could be that he has an addiction and the friend being back in town triggered the cravings/broke down his resistance. About 10% of people who use weed become addicted – that number is higher with long term daily users. Have you been around people that use it enough to recognize the symptoms? When you say he’s acting “different” that was my first guess – that he is using again.

Post # 5
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@crayfish:  I think this conclusion is pretty alarmist. I don’t think there’s enough evidence in the OP’s post to say that.

People can wear a variety of different faces, and can act differently around certain friends. For instance, I will admit that I act somewhat differently around my graduate school friends than around the friends I knew growing up. I grew up with friends who were pretty poor so I speak very much in the vernacular, whereas I will be more formal and accurate with my speech among my friends who grew up in more affluent surroundings.

It may just be that you fiance was used to a dynamic and pattern of behavior with these friends, and slips back into those ways when he is with those people. This doesn’t necessarily indicate that he’s backsliding into old  behaviors (though I definitely can’t rule out the possibility).

I’ve definitely personally observed that sort of thing with a friend of mine, who is at this sort of odd crossroads between two lives. He came to college having done a lot of partying and drugs, but fell into a group of friends who didn’t even drink (my fiance and I were resident assistants in college and we generally live very clean lives). So, in his life at school, he really transformed from a slacker to a scholar who has very motivated friends who make fun without using substances. At home however, his friends are all really into drugs and such. When his friends came to visit once, it was really interesting to see how his behavior changed somewhat. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it was but he was acting a lot like he would around friends who are more into drugs and partying.

I will say, knowing that my response is becoming very lengthy at this point, that his friends from home also thought that HE was acting pretty weird, and even commented on the fact that they figured that they would be partying, not playing Magic the Gathering on a Friday night. So it’s even possible that this old buddy of your significant other was observing the same thing that you felt you were, but in the other direction.

I know this isn’t really a coherent response, but just observations from a friend who has been in a similar situation. But the ultimate moral of the story is that, scared or not, you need to feel able to trust this man with his friends. I certainly wouldn’t want to put myself in the position to be the controlling significant other, so if I were in your shoes I would allow him his freedoms and see what he chooses to do with them. From there, I would decide what my limits and my comfort zone were, and if they were crossed, I’d reassess the situation from here. Given that there is no concrete indication that any limits were crossed aside from him acting a little funny, I would not start to panic yet.

Post # 7
170 posts
Blushing bee

People go through many phases in life if they are the curious sort.  I have had many lifetimes within this one, and I do regress when I am around people of whichever era we’re talking about.  It’s healthy to grow and change and it’s no big deal.  Honestly, who doesn’t become a bit childlike as soon as they are surrounded by family?  It’s normal, no worries.  If you have concerns just talk to him.

Post # 8
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would try not to worry, but understand how it can be tricky. My FI’s best man is kind of like your BF’s HS friend. They are in different places in their lives and still trying to maintain a friendship, so Fiance or in your case Boyfriend or Best Friend shifts a bit to bridge the gap while they’re together.  In my case, Fiance does it because he doesn’t want to lose his best man’s friendship and knows he will (eventually) grow up…and doesn’t want them to grow apart in the mean time.

don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it and it made me uncomfortable at first (I actually think the best man is a pig and a bit of an asshole because of some comments he’s made to me, or around me).. but I know my Fiance and he’s over it.  He’s actually even told me he feels bad for best man for not having what he has (a mature, and settled relationship). Give it some time…. don’t make the mistake I did (which was that I pushed and nagged about it at first because I didn’t understand the reasoning… now that I get it, it’s all gravy!)

Post # 9
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

It’s called “Reunion Syndrome” and we all experience it in some way or another.

In May, I flew out to visit my husband (then boyfriend) for three weeks. We’re both from the “same hometown” (He’s one town away from mine) and when I came home, I decided I was going to move in with him. When he flew back home to pick up some stuff, he reunited with a lot of his HS friends. I was with him at the time and I met them for the first time, too.

He completely ignored me, his entire demeanor changed and he barely spoked to me the entire night. I told him I had a headache and went home. I was upset, but my best friend talked me down and told me I was being stupid for being so upset. I wholeheartedly agree, looking back now.

It’s just something people do when they reconnect to someone they grew up with or hadn’t seen in a while. It sucks, yeah, but it’s a temporary issue.

TL;DR: People tend to revert back to whoever they were when they’re in the presence of a long time friend, or someone they hadn’t seen in a while.

Post # 11
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. I’ve noticed my Fiance changes a bit when he’s with my friends. He swears more than he does around me. He’s apologized to me before, he said sometimes his attitude changes with the people he hangs out with. If they’re swearing up a storm, he finds himself doing the same. 

He could have been showing off to his friends as well. 

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