(Closed) ‘He’s feeling pressured’… Did he propose in the end?

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
  • poll: Did he propose after saying he felt pressured

    No I walked

    I walked and he proposed

    I gave him time and he proposed

  • Post # 16
    Member
    10144 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

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    SVandy60918 :  

    That story is as old as time.  Feels “pressured” by gf, poor delicate doily that he is.  Strings gf along as long as he can, dodging and weaving the M word.  Finally, they split and within six months, he’s engaged to New Girl.

     

    Post # 17
    Member
    635 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

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    sassy411 :  Poor delicate doily lol I love that 

    Post # 18
    Member
    31 posts
    Newbee

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    sassy411 :  …pretty sure milk was not meant to venture into my nasal cavity, but thanks for the laugh!

    Post # 19
    Member
    1506 posts
    Bumble bee

    When a guy says he’s “pressured” he usually either means:

    1) He’s 22 and understandably doesn’t want to make a big permanent life decision at 22. 

    OR

    2) You’re like 80% of what he’s looking for, but something is missing. He is afraid of giving you up because he’s not sure he will find anyone else who comes close to that 80% (or whatever). He will either:

    –Eventually give up hope of finding a girl who has that something he’s looking for and marry you

    –Stick around until you break up with him

    –Find a girl who has whatever it is he was hoping for, and leave you for her, and marry her ASAP because if it took him 4-10 years to find someone closer than you, he doesn’t think he’ll find anyoen closer than her

     

    Guys who aren’t ready, but who will likely marry you don’t complain about being pressured. When I was “waiting” on my fiance, he assured me he felt no pressure, he just wasn’t there yet. I also didn’t wait very long –I was ready about 6 months before he was. 

     

     

    Post # 21
    Member
    159 posts
    Blushing bee

    I personally don’t agree that pressure always equates with something we don’t want to do. I feel pressured to have a baby and i want children, but i also feel scared about the change that’s going to occur. 

    I feel pressured to make my numbers at work so that i don’t get written up. I also want this myself so i can get my bonuses. 

    Men feel societal pressure to propose without their partner even saying anything the same way women feel societal pressure for other things. 

    Now i personally don’t want to hear a man complaining that he feels pressured because no woman wants to hear that… and he’s a grown man so boo freaking boo… grow up!  but i don’t always think it means the relationship is doomed. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1506 posts
    Bumble bee

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    esbeejay :  I don’t know though that either of your metaphors are the same. 

    For work, you’re describing a carrot (bonus) and a stick (pressure) for something you don’t intrinsically want to do. You wouldn’t do it for free as volunteer work.

    For having a baby, that’s closer: you can want a child, but feel pressured by a biological clock, yet not feel ready. This is similar to my #1 above — if a guy is young it makes sense that he’s just not ready to make permanent life decisions. 

    But most guys you read about on here are not 22. They are often like 35. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    10144 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

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    curiouscat2017 :  

    You’re probably on to something with your 80% theory.

    Guys tend to be of the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” school of thought when it comes to relationships.  They don’t spend a lot of time pondering and ruminating.  The combo of 80% happy and sheer inertia will keep them in place until gf starts shaking things up.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1178 posts
    Bumble bee

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    curiouscat2017 :  Totally agree.

    When my Fiance first talked about getting engaged, he didn’t finch or had any issues with our agreement. About a year into our relationship, my Fiance wanted to get a house. I told him flat that if we were to get a house together or if he gets a house and I’m just living in it helping with the bills, whatever the scenerio was, if there is a house I needed to be engaged. Having a house comes with huge responsibilities and my money, time, and energy will go into that so I needed more of a commitment. He was totally fine with that. Another year after that when we were seriously talking about a house, I reminded him of our agreement. I was not going to go through the process and we were going to renew our lease if we weren’t engaged. I was not going to budge. He didn’t have much money saved at the time for a ring, but he asked me to find the ring I wanted within our budge. Then he took the money out of his 401k and paid for my ring. I also had found out he asked his mom for her old engagement ring few months into our relationship. He was either going to purpose with her ring when it was time or sell it to go towards my ring. 

    I think if a guy really wants to be with you, he wouldn’t feel “pressure”. Especially if it’s been like 2+ years.  

    Post # 25
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I didnt have this situation personally but almost all relationships I know of where this came up ended, either because the woman left or the man eventually ended it. I know of only one example in my circle of acquaintances where the couple has been together for over 5 years, the woman having pretty much been ready for marriage since year 2 (they were both in their 30s) and he eventually proposed earlier this year. To be honest, I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t think he would ever propose! I did hear some comments of how “she eventually wore him down” etc which I thought were incredibly unkind. I don’t know much about the dynamic of their relationship and although I would have been hesitant to stay with a man who would not or could not commit to me, I’m hoping their story is one of the exceptions and that they’ll be happy. I don’t think men who were reluctant to propose would necessarily always make bad husbands, but I can see why people think it’s a red flag! 

    Post # 26
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

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    curiouscat2017 :  Interesting! This actually lines up a lot with what I’ve seen play out in friends & family’s relationships! Exactly those two reasons – I’ve just never managed to pinpoint that 80% thing because it plays out in different ways. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    402 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

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    beekay :  True. He could be “pressured” to give you a coherent response when you want to discuss your future. Maybe he has not really thought about it, and hopefully, he just needs some time alone in his head to figure out what he wants. But if he dodges the topic not once but twice, that is a red flag!

    Post # 28
    Member
    625 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I agree that usually when a man says he feels “pressured,” it doesn’t tend to end well. Yes, there was a point in our relationship when my Fi “wasn’t ready” to propose/get married, but he never said anything about feeling pressured. I’ve found that when people claim to feel pressured, it’s because deep down they don’t want to do something.

    Post # 29
    Member
    35 posts
    Newbee

    I dated a guy for four years and was very clear at the start that I was looking for marriage and children and that I didn’t need to date someone for years to know if I wanted to be with them.  (I was 29, he was 30 when we started dating.)  Two years later (and one year of living together), I brought up marriage and he said he wasn’t ready.  Six months later, HE took me to look at rings….twice!  Two years later, he still hadn’t proposed.  On and off he gave me every excuse in the book and told people he was feeling pressured, etc etc.

    I told him if he wanted to marry me, it wouldn’t feel like pressure, and either he was in or he was out. He said, “I want to marry you but I’m not ready yet.”  So I walked and he never tried to get me to stay.

    I feel like if a man wants to marry you, he will.  It won’t be this long drawn out, “I’m not ready yet.”  As someone posted above, I think I was good enough but he maybe wondered if someone was better.  Didn’t necessarily want to marry me but didn’t want to lose me.  It really sucks, but I’m much happier with him.

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