he's gaming again

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

monique637 :  I’m confused. Sorry- this is blunt. For the past 4 yrs, your husband has been addicted to gaming. It’s been to the point that it cost him jobs. So about 3 yrs and 10mos have been awful with him and only 2mos have been wonderful with him not gaming. Why have 2 more kids with someone active in their addiction? Why stay with someone who’s ignoring you and risking the wellbeing of his children (losing sleep and jobs for no reason)? When someone shows you who they are (as your husband has for 95% of your relationship it sounds like), believe them. The past 2 mos were a blip. The entire rest of the time was who he is and how he’s treating you and your children.  Why resent the nephews? they didn’t marry you and have 3 kids w you while ignoring you for an addiction. Your husband made these decisions on his own. I understand ppl are in love, but in my blunt opinion there is nothing to be torn about with him, no need to try to make him understand. If he doesn’t get it, he is probably lying. Either way, he has a serious problem that you cannot fix.

No way I could stay with him. Sorry. but I can do bad all by myself . . .

Post # 17
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

YouBeBoyAnd :  Sometime’s it’s not as black and white as this. He’s gone without gaming and he’s shown that he can be present and loving. He just needs to understand how serious this gets and how it does negatively affect his relationship and his life.

When you marry someone, you marry them for all of the things you love about them, but also their flaws (of course, there are exceptions). Addictions are something that can be worked on. There are plenty of people who are recovering alcoholics, recovering gambling addicts. It’s a process, it’s hard and it likely requires plenty of external help, but it’s doable, and having a supporting partner during that time can make all the difference. 

That being said – he has to be willing to work on it. HE has to be the one that decides if he wants to fix the problem or not. In order to do that, sometimes we need a loved one to say, “hey, I’m worried about you and I want to do everything I can to help.” 

Post # 18
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’ve had many years of experience with this and currently dealing with my husbands relapse to gaming.  The first thing you should know is that this is a real addiction and relapses can and most likely will occur (particularly to gaming) so you have to ask yourself if you are willing to work with him through this or if this is your end point.

ehatever you do right now don’t use an ultimatum.  He knows what he’s doing isn’t right and deep down he doesn’t like it but if you attack him basic human responses is to become defensive and then you won’t get him he help he needs.  As much anger and resentment you have towards him now for his gaming you have to come forward in a gentile but honest front because you are likely backing away from him to defend yourself from his hurtful behavior.  With gaming he is likely running away from something he feels he has no control in real life and using it as an accomplishment because he has full control over his gaming (achievements not our standard definition of control it’s quite clear he doesn’t have control).  One day sit down and comment on how you’ve noticed he’s playing more and ask him why he has increased his playing if he feels okay, if he feels lack of control on something in his life.  Tell him you want to help him because you feel that in his gaming he has made you feel like you can’t help him or whatever feelings you may have (for me it was: not good enough for a relationship because he chose gaming, ignoring our children, etc).  If he opens up seriously accept and help him overcome his concerns, this might mean that you may not have the tools to help him but you want to help him find someone who can (aka counseling) but you will go with him so that you can help him if he wants to.  If he fights back then you have some serious honking to do in regards to the relationship, but hopefully coming from a concerned loving and supportive manner he can realize his addiction feel support rather than being attacked and get the help he needs.  Good luck.

Post # 19
Member
9539 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This is the same person who was kicked out of her room overnight and slept with her two kids while he had a game party in the master? 

1. he lost his job to gaming

2. he puts his family at risk for gaming

3. now he is back to gaming. 

Don’t know what answer you are looking for but he is 3 strikes you’re out. Do you have other options for you are your children to go?

Post # 20
Member
4756 posts
Honey bee

ivanjelina :  I’m hoping this advice will help. But Uber! Instead of waiting for him to go out get the Uber or Lyft app to go places. If he doesn’t like it tell him you need to get out of the house more. Hugs! 

Post # 21
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

monique637 :  Your husband is an addict and you have two choices, and only two:

1. Insist that he get help, and stand by him during it. This means therapy, meetings, getting rid of all gaming, period. No ‘only on the weekend’ no ‘one hour a day’ time limits. Gone, forever, no more.

2. Leave. 

Post # 23
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee

monique637 :  I don’t want to leave him because aside from his gaming I love him and he is a great person.

– “I’m 7 months pregnant and my husbands friends invited us to a going away party… It turned out to be a full blown house party and after a while I got bored. I didn’t know anyone, and my husband kept wandering off….He says I’m an absolute jerk for not being ok with him staying. I just don’t like the feeling of being home alone with the kids and a big belly while my husband is out partying like a 21 year old alone.

– “So he pretty much asked me if he could move our bed into the living room for the night and have me (I’m 20 days away from giving birth by the way) sleep in the living room with our 1 year old son who co-sleeps (we also have a 5 year old daughter who sleeps in her own bedroom). This way he could put tables and chairs in our bedroom and play all night in our bedroom with his nephews and some friends he met online through the game (so their absolute strangers to me and he has only met them once or twice before in person).

OP, allow me to respectfully disagree but from this and your previous posts (that I have quoted above), your husband actually sounds like a pretty horrendous person.  Selfish, immature, thoughtless and completely irresponsible. JFC.

Post # 24
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

theatrejulia :   livster :  Completely agree. Given his history, I’d have a lot less sympathy/patience this time around.

monique637 :  I’m so sorry you’re going through this again, it’s really unfair. Also, it concerns me that you have to wait until he’s in a good mood to bring up therapy. In my opinion, he’s probably against it because he knows that they will tell him that he has to be completely done with his games. Also read your last sentence, but replace it with another addiction. Ex:  I love the person he is when he is not drinking, using drugs, etc.  Does it seem ok in that sense? Not really right? This needs to be treated like any other addiction in order for this to get better. 

Post # 25
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

MTE, livster!

Not to mention the newest and alarming fact that in your original post he STRANDED you and your children at home so he could feed his gaming addition.

 

Bee, I understand you love him. Of course you do, he’s the father of your kids and your husband but he is sick and he is selfish and as long as he is sick he runs the risk of staying that selfish, inconsiderate and immature man who will make his PREGNANT WIFE give up her bed, who will STRAND his wife and children so he can go play games. Screw that.

 

If he does not agree to counseling, you need to seek counseling for yourself and leave. He is an addict and if he will not seek help or change, you have no other choice.

Post # 26
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

hopfenn :  Yeah, same story! At least you sound like you’re at peace with it, somehow. I also enjoy doing my own stuff and watching my shows, while he’s gaming. But, above all, I’m an outdoor, nature loving person. We live 3 hrs away from gorgeous beaches – right, like that’s ever going to happen! Unless I walk over there by myself! Huh….

Post # 27
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

 

monique637 :  Based on your previous posting history this situation is out of control.  Your refusal to recognize the severity of the situation and confront your husband is not good for you or your children.  If you’re afraid of his response to suggesting therapy then that says even more re: the level of dysfunction in your marriage. 

I’d suggest planning an exit strategy for a trial separation.  If you decide to stay with your husband, he has a very long road ahead of him and your three children don’t deserve to suffer through that. 

Post # 28
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I had a similar issue with my Fiance and gaming. It got to the point where he wasn’t coming to bed untl 7am (only on his days off) for several nights in a row, every single week, and was severely cutting into MY life and putting ME out on a regular basis. Things I needed his help with during the day would have to wait until the late afternoon because he wasn’t getting out of bed until 3pm, and some of the times these were not things that could wait until later in the day. I became VERY resentful of him and bitter towards him. I ended up sitting him down and explaining my side of things to him, and he got very defensive at first but eventually understood how much his actions were negatively affecting my life, and the super late nights have stopped.

It sounds like you’ve already had discussions with him, whereas I only had to have one with my Fiance and he stopped. If he hasn’t stopped now, I’m not sure he can.

Post # 29
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

sweatergal007 :  Thanks, I really must give it a go. I guess I always worried about safety. Is it really safe to use those things? Have you or anyone you know tried? I know it’s so popular now, but I don’t know anyone who’s actually done it.

Post # 30
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

ivanjelina :  We’ve just talked about it a lot! He knows how I feel, and I know that he loves it. We play a lot together which definitely helps – but if I wasn’t a gamer too we’d barely spend time together. That being said, it’s a past-time for me, whereas it’s his passion.

I guess it’s his way of relaxing – like some of us come home after a long day and just watch TV. I know how much he loves it, but he assures he loves his wife more than he loves video games and he never hesitates (okay maybe sometimes, like if I’m dragging him to IKEA hahah) to put them away if I ask him to do something with me. It definitely helps that I’m a homebody too! I like doing things once in a while, but I’m happiest at home!

 

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