(Closed) He’s going to need to choose; me or them

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

In my humble opinion, you really shouldn’t be making him choose between you and his family.  Even if he chooses you, he’s going to be bitter and resentful deep down for making him do so.  Why don’t you get along with his family?  Of course they’re going to be different from your parents; each family has their own dynamics, their own quirks and the little things that drive you crazy. 

That being said, it’s worrysome that he won’t even have a ‘real’ conversation with you about these things.  Whatever you’re feeling, you should be able to talk to him about it, and truly feel like he’s listening to you.  Perhaps you can sit him down seriously, and very calmly and clearly explain how you’re feeling.  Don’t attack him, make him (or his family) seem like the ‘bad guy’.  If both of you stick your heels into the ground, you’re in for a very long, difficult, and painful road for years to come. 

As for the sister, I can completely see where you’re coming from there.  I, too, would be worried that she’d do something awful.  But, it IS his sister, and IMO you really have no right to tell him she can’t be there.  Perhaps you can comprimise and have a designated person to watch her for the night, and escort her out at the slightest sign of trouble?  You both have to be willing to comprimise a little bit.  From the sounds of it, both of you are having a hard time doing so; it might be time to sit down and figure out why.

Post # 4
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

This isn’t your place. I can see that you’re upset, but it’s HIS sister. It’s his decision. making ultimatums about his family isn’t going to get you anywhere…..unless you’re truly okay not marrying him. Because that’s probably what will happen.

You could always pay for a hotel room for his parents, but if he says they are staying over, then that’s kind of what you have to do. My parents can be a little overwhelming but i’d be livid if my husband put his foot down–it’s a few days, and it’s just being courteous in general. If by “different” you mean they are outright cruel to you, that’s one thing. Otherwise, you just kinda have to put up with it for a little bit. That’s kind of how family goes =

Post # 5
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you are risking more by giving him an ultimadum than you are by having them at the wedding.  When people talk about getting married, they talk about loving the whole person, flaws and all.  Unfortunately, it sounds like you see his family as a flaw.  You can’t change them, and it seems like they mean a lot to him. 

As much as I am sure you don’t want to hear it, I think you need to step down on this one.  He has a right to have his family members there.  Why not come up with some people who could step in in case his sister does try to pull something?  I had a couple of people at my wedding who were “official behavior monitors” for one of our relatives in case things got out of hand.  It worked wonderfully, and while they never had to do anything, it was nice being able to know that someone else had it taken care of. 

Post # 6
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sheepy19:  I think if you give him an ultimatum you’re going to lose so don’t do it unless you’re really prepared to end your relationship over this.

You don’t say in your OP that the sister or the parents have done anything to you personally.  If you have a valid reason for thinking the sister might really cause a scene at your ceremony, that’s one thing and you should be able to discuss it.  If you’re just worried she might or could well…I don’t know.  I can sympathize that you don’t want the stress of worrying about it but this is his sister and he wants her there so, I’m not sure you can legitimately ask him to exclude her until and unless she does something to demonstrate she would cause a disruption.

As for his parents, again, you don’t say they’ve done anything to you other than being “different” from your family.  I’ve noticed that a lot of women seem to have a real problem being a part of another family and seem to interpret “different” as being “wrong” or unacceptable.  I wonder how you would feel if your Fiance refused to welcome your parents just because they’re different from his?

I think one thing that is legitimate is how often they intend to be guests in your home – twice a year or every weekend?  If its the latter, then I think you should be able to discuss with your fiance that that’s just too intrusive and you’d like a more reasonable schedule. 

I think the larger issue here though is him dictating to you how things will be with his family.  If they come first for him and he totally disregards any reasonable concerns you have, then that’s not good and you may want to consider counseling.  However, please note I said REASONABLE concerns.  If you’ve just make up your mind you don’t want to associate with them because they’re different then that’s simply not fair to your FH. 

Post # 7
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m concerned that you are already showing hints of something that friends of mine are divorcing over after 1 year. 

“He wants this or that and I won’t take it.” and “She wants this and I won’t do it”

Even now in the divorce they talk about counseling and she is saying “he wants me to do this and I wont.” a few min. later she’ll say something about how “I want him to do this and I don’t get why he just won’t do it.”

This is not marriage. It is not how marriage works.

“He’s got to choose, marry me without her or not get married at all.”

The WEDDING DAY is not a MARRIAGE.  If you are really willing to give up your marriage to him because on ONE day, for what 5-6 hrs, he wants his sister present… and maybe a handful of times a year his parents may stay the night… you are not ready to be married in my humble opinion.

One thing to consider, is whether or not you’ve talked about the future of your marriage and own family unit. If you don’t like his family dynamics, have you discussed what your own family dynamics will be? How will you parent? How will your discipline? What standards for your children academically and socially/morally will you have? Our family of origin shapes a huge part of who we are and influences our entire life. Better to discuss now than one day have a child or be married and realize that he parents like his parents and you just can’t handle that.  

Post # 8
5147 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Someone once told me “if some gives you an ultimatum, their foot is already out the door”. Is your foot already out the door and you just don’t realize it yet?

It isn’t your place to try to make him choose you over his family.

And if you do give him an ultimatum and he chooses you, would you really want to be with a man that would turn his back on his family so easily? How does that bade for your marriage in the future?

My advice to you is “put on your big-girl panties and deal with it”. If you can’t deal with it, rethink getting married right now.

Post # 9
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sheepy, I was reading your previous thread, about how you want to be married at 21, and that both of you have Asperger Syndrome.  Those facts, along with the main points in this thread seem to suggest that perhaps it’s better to wait a little bit longer before getting married. 

I’m a young bride and am defintely in the camp of believers that age is just a number.  But, in general, it’s a number that suggests your maturity, and indicates how you’re going to handle situations – both now, and in the future.  Marriage is about comprimise and being okay with not getting your way.  With ultimatums flying around already, I really feel like you should spend some time seriously reevaluating whether or not you’re both really ready for marriage, or just the ‘idea’ of marriage. 

Post # 10
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

it’s not fair to make him choose between you and his family. it’s a battle you’ll more than likely lose. are you ready to end the relationship over this?

and your only gripe about his parents is that they’re “different” from your family — um, closed-minded much? make an effort.

Post # 11
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I just went through something similar. My in-laws however are crazier than yours I can guarantee. 

You can’t make him chose. It’s not fair to him. To be honest you shouldn’t even really bitch about them to him.  Don’t bitch to your family about his family either. Your friends will not hold it against your Fiance or his family, but your family will and you’ll create even more of a your family vs. them scenario.

Seek counseling for yourself to deal with them, but if you put up an ultimatum you will lose in the end.

Post # 12
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Are you engaged yet? I read through your previous posts and about a month ago you said you still weren’t engaged. If you are – CONGRATS! If not – then maybe slow down with planning the wedding and giving him ultimatums. That’s not a marriage works and it certainly isn’t going to make him propose any faster.

Post # 13
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

you have no right to make him you chose you or his family, that doesn’t seem fair to me.  if a man had ever made me chose him vs. my family, i would chose my family, they’ll always be there.  i understnad you have reserves about his sister, and that’s fine, but maybe you can talk to her, or get a message through to her.  maybe you can have someone watch her on the wedding day.

Post # 14
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Are you now engaged? Is your wedding really going to be in 2013? Have you moved in with him? 3 months ago you were still living at home, I’m just confused.

When you marry someone, you are marrying their family too (for good or bad). If you really want to be with him the rest of your life, you will need to learn to at least tolerate his family.

You say his parents are “different” from yours. How are they “different”? Different doesn’t necessarily = bad. You can’t expect him to leave his family to be with you. How would you feel if he told you to chose between him and your parents?

I can understand about the sister, but as PPs have said it is his sister and that is HIS choice. You can tell him your preference, but if he really wants her there, then you should be gracious and let him invite her. Maybe assign someone “sister watch” duty to make sure she doesn’t do anything to ruin the day.

Post # 15
457 posts
Helper bee

Okay I know I will be the opposite here. My take is this, and this is coming from someone who went through 7 months ( my entire engagement) of dealing with my Darling Husband awful family, the stuff they said and did to me and my family was horrid and what they finally did to us at our wedding ( Mother-In-Law went after me at my own RD) That being said, when all of it started, I tried really hard not to make him pick and tried harder to make whatever crazy go away, and it didn’t ,things got worse and worse. NO ONE should ever have to put through that, my Darling Husband was there for me, he was on my side, he understood what they were doing, and he tried to stop it, for 5 months, but he never cut them out of our lives until 2 months before our wedding, even though they were toxic and destroying me, us, and him. I couldn’t function, sleep, eat, or even able to enjoy my engagement or be happy anymore because everyday was a bigger mess with his family (and they lived 7 hours from us). I understood this was his family but I also understood that no one should be treated this way, there comes a point in time that the person you’re marrying has to pick a side if it crosses the line of disrespect and cruelty towards that person. Just because it’s family doesn’t give them a free pass to treat someone that way. I love my family very much but I would never stand for anyone to disrespect or treat my loved one in such a manor. It took my Darling Husband a long time to see what they were doing, and thankfully his families behavior at the Rehearsal Dinner didn’t destroy our wedding day because we had to keep telling ourselves we wouldn’t let them ruin this as well, but it was still a very emotional day with bad memories of them and the things they did. You can never take those away, and we both loved our wedding day, but what they did to us will always hang over our head. My Darling Husband regrets not realizing and cutting them out of his life sooner and letting them destroy a time in our lives that was supposed to be the most important and special.

With all that being said, I think this only applies, if you are being treated poorly by his family. You didn’t go into much detail, from what I read, you didn’t mention any wrong doing of the family, just that they are different, and that is no reason not to like them.  Before all this started with my Darling Husband mother and sister, I knew they were different, knew we would never be best friends, but still welcomed them in my life, because they didn’t do anything to me at that point. You don’t have to love them and be crazy about them, but if they didn’t OUTRIGHT do anything to you, then I don’t see what the problem is.

For the sister, she sounds nuts, but again, has she outwardly done mean things to you? If she has, then 100% I feel that your Darling Husband should be taking a stand, but if the issues are with HIM and HER and have NOTHING to do with you, then it’s up to him to pick.

The compromise IMO from what I read is that you don’t overly  have to love them but if they want to come visit or whatever the case may be, you need to be welcoming to them for the time being. If there is more to the story and there have been some big deal breakers for you with his family then it’s def something you and your Darling Husband have to see eye to eye on.

Post # 16
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’d say that you need to give us some background on why you are not warming up to his family. Without that, we can’t really provide advice to your specific problem.

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