He's going to propose w/ his great-grandmother's ring but I don't like it at all

posted 3 months ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
2718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Ouch, Bee. The fact that he doesn’t care one tiny bit about your feelings kinda freaks me out. Maybe talk to him about how marriage is about TWO people making a partnership and making compromises and his absolutely immovable stance doesn’t bode well for how he’ll deal with other opportunities to compromise. Maybe you could tell him that you’d love to carry on the tradition of that ring for the sake of the family and save it for further generations, but make it known that you ALSO want something that is representative of just the 2 of you and the new family you are forming together. And if he tells you that this ring is more important than his relationship with you…you know what to do.

Post # 4
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Some advice for your boyfriend:

Ouch, bro. The fact that she doesn’t care one tiny bit about your feelings kinda freaks me out. Maybe talk to her about how marriage is about TWO people making a partnership and making compromises and her absolutely immovable stance doesn’t bode well for how she’ll deal with other opportunities to compromise, especially since you’ve already offered the wedding band compromise.

Maybe you could tell her, again, that you’d love to carry on the tradition of that ring for the sake of your family and save it for further generations, but make it known, like you’ve already said, that you ALSO want something that is representative of just the 2 of you and the new family you are forming together, like the wedding bands you offered to design together. And if she tells you that having a ring like the ones the women on the WeddingBee forum have is more important than her relationship with you…you know what to do.

Post # 5
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I’d plan a robbery. 

Yes, marriage is two people & compromise blah blah blah. 

I get that it’s tradition & that’s FINE. But I’d tell him you wanna start a new one? Perhaps give the ring to your first daughter on her 13th birthday? I dunno, I totally see where you’re coming from. Engagement is about the couple but if one isn’t happy with the ring, we fix it & make the other happy. JMO. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
2471 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I would suggest getting an additional ring to the heirloom ring. He isn’t even saying you have to wear the ring, he’d just like you to accept it as the women in his family have done. You can always get an additional ring. I have 3: the ring my DH got me, the ring I got myself when I decided I wanted a different style, and my wedding band. Sometimes I wear one, sometimes I wear all 3. So I would just accept it, put it away for safe keeping, and get another ring. You rejecting a ring that you only have to keep in a box and not even wear will be remembered by his side of the family.

Post # 7
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

This is touchy… 

How is your relationship with his mother? Is it possible that she can speak to him on your behalf? Maybe she can tell him that tradition is great but it would be great to have your own ring that is yours and possibly start a new tradition.

Post # 8
Member
2596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

beeb2323 :  Have you tried it on? If it doesn’t fit, it probably can’t be or shouldn’t be sized so that might help you as an “out”. Or, if you have metal allergies? Is it silver under the gold plate or brass or some other base metal? 

I dont think it’s fair of him to insist you accept a ring from his family that you do not like, it’s also not fair of him to decide you don’t need an engagement ring to wear all the time because your families only wear wedding bands. 

Of course, he doesn’t have to buy you a ring, maybe you can pay for one yourself? 

 

Post # 9
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

My opinion won’t be popular.

Oh bee…I completely understand. People are going to write that it is not the ring that count and so on and in fact it is to a certain degree. Even if this ring was a real gemstone and worth oodles, if you don’t like it, that is a personal choice. There is also something quite special I find having your own ring. 

I appreciate this would be a super sensitive topic to bring up with him. Look at it as a really great communication test for the future. It won’t be easy to broach the subject but the alternative is always looking at your hand and being resentful   

Good luck bee xo

Post # 10
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee

I would just talk to your boyfriend about it again. Explain that you love the sentiment behind the ring, but it is really not to your taste aesthetically and as this is a piece of jewelry you will wear for the rest of your life, you were really hoping to get something you loved. Maybe you can come to a compromise, like he proposes with the heirloom ring, you agree to wear it around his family or and on special occasions or something, but then get a separate ring for everyday use.

On another note, it seems like his mom and family are way too far up in his grill over this whole thing. I got seriously annoyed reading about how his mom showed you the ring – I would not want my MIL at all involved in my engagement or ring! I would HATE IT if my inlaws were the ones to show me some deeply meaningful heirloom jewelry that they were expecting me to wear, and having to make a scene over how amazing it was so I didn’t hurt their feelings. I would feel extremely manipulated. I feel like that moment (you seeing the ring) should have just been between you and your boyfriend. The fact that you say his parents would be devastated and would never get over it if you didn’t accept the ring is just over the top, and alarming. I can understand them being disappointed, but would hope they’d behave like grownups and accept that you and your bf have autonomy and can do what you like when it comes to big decisions like engagement rings.

Are his parents/family this involved in other aspects of your relationship?

Post # 11
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

beeb2323 :  This is tough.  I completely understand wanting your own ring. My FI was gifted a marquise diamond from his great aunt, but he asked if I wanted to use it for my engagement ring.  Unlike your situation, it wasn’t used as a tradition for giving it to the oldest son, but I knew he had a close relationship with his aunt.  Fortunately, he did listen when I told him it just wasn’t my style.  The diamond was large and I wanted something smaller.  He gave the ring to his sister, who really loved it, and she gave me the diamond band she was gifted, which I wear every day on my right hand.

I think your mistake however was using the term “upgrade” when mentioning wanting something different.  Although the word itself doesn’t have a negative connotation, a lot of people associate it with getting something “better” when the original isn’t good enough.

Is there a friend of his that you can confide in?  Mention that you’re touched he wants to propose with his grandmother’s ring, but it’s just not your style – nor practical to wear all the time – and would like to pick something together?

Or, the other option is to accept it, and buy your own wedding set once you’re married.

If your boyfriend is that stubborn though and completely ignores your feelings, I don’t know, that would make me step back and reevalutate things.  Marriage is all about compromise and if he’s not willing to budge at all, that doesn’t bode well for a future together.

Post # 12
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think you always have to take communication over hiding your feeling. You have to wear the ring and you get an opinion. 

I would find a good moment and simply be honest. You love the idea of joining a family tradition with this ring and will happily accept it, but you want to be honest that it does not suit your style and after so much wear, it simply is not suitable for your every-day life. You’d love for both of you to make your own tradition and design the ring you will wear every day.  Then, stand firm in your position. 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
5821 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

I would just be totally honest to my DH about it and tell him all of my concerns, but that’s just the kind of relationship we have and while it might bum him out some it would be most important to him that I got what I wanted.

I would wager a bet that even if they never ever said anything that other women in the family might have also had some of the same thought. Not because it’s an ugly ring or anything but just because green is such a love it or hate it kind of color.

Post # 14
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

ehh, personally i kinda like the ring, i think its different but still very pretty. id wear it. 

but anyways i think it might be hard to convince him to buy you another ring at this point. He either A. loves that ring and likes the sentimental value of it which is why is refusing to budge. Or B. he doesnt want to shell out the money for an expensive ring, cause he knows that one was free. 

And guys being guys, in his head hes like “why spend a thousand dollars on a ring when i got this nice one for free.” 

i think you have an uphill battle when it comes to this, he’s going to be offended regardless of what your argument on the ring is. 

Post # 15
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Be honest, tell him you hate the ring, that you don’t want him to propose with it and that you would like a ring which will be all your own to make fresh memories with. Your feelings should matter more to him than some kind of forced  tradition. Every other bride that wore that ring probably hated it too!

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