He's going to propose w/ his great-grandmother's ring but I don't like it at all

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 31
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I fail to understand why people insist on forcing others to wear heirloom jewellery. Don’t get me wrong, I love the sentiment and plan to leave my ring for my future grandkid, but I wouldn’t force them to carry on some ‘tradition’ by proposing with it. Most importantly, his indignation would not fly with me. Jewellery is a personal choice, so while yes it’s a gift you can also choose not to wear the said gift. Since he expects you to stash it away anyways, I’d wear it during the engagement period and once married, I’d buy myself another ring. He can not expect to dictate what jewellery your’re going to wear on your finger. If he does, you have a bigger issue here.

FWIW the ring is pretty. But I’d still get myself some bling that I would actually enjoy wearing! 

 

Post # 32
Member
6150 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It would be great if the two of you could find a compromise where he proposed with the family ring and also gets you a ring that you can wear every day WITH the wedding bands the two of you design together. It sounds like he’s trying to show the importance of following this family tradition but also swinging his dick around a bit. Who cares what the other women in his family or yours did? He’s marrying YOU which means he needs to work with YOU to find a workable solution. If you want a set you can wear every day then he needs to listen to that. You may also need to be prepared to buy your own ring if he’s firm about not buying you one. 

I’d be prepared for more conversations in this vein if the two of you have children together, though.

Post # 33
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I can understand why he wants to propose with the ring; it’s a lovely tradition.  However, I also understand why you’d want your own wedding set.  Preferences aside, heirloom rings don’t always feel like your own.  My mom’s engagement ring is an heirloom and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear it.  It’s a lovely ring but I don’t think she wants anything to happen to it under her watch, and I know she doesn’t think of it as “her ring.”  Maybe approach it from that vantage point?   Maybe he can propose with the ring and you can wear it during the engagement and then get a wedding set for your ceremony?

Post # 34
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

have you seen photos of great grandma wearing the ring? Because for being fake stones and only gold plated it’s in really good condition- not at all like a ring should look if it was worn every day by a poor woman… She would have worked and cleaned a lot with her hands. Then the ring was worn again by 2 other women… This history sounds sketch.

Post # 35
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

beeb2323 :  the ring is not as bad as I had pictured it on my mind before actually seeing the pics, but I would feel the same way as you. I don’t think you’re a brat, i don’t think you’re ungrateful or insensitive. I would tell him up front : “I know it has sentimental value for you and your family, but I don’t like it and would feel bad accepting it since I don’t appreciate it/like it/won’t use it”. Tell him you would like your own ring YOU love, start your own traditions, and wear it, not only the wedding band. I’m sure he loves it, and his family loves it, but you’re the one who will be owning it and wearing it. 

Post # 36
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

misslucy :  actually, you hit on a very interesting point I hadn’t considered as far as giving OP an out– it doesn’t look like a traditional engagement ring and therefore defeats the purpose of wearing one. OP, if bf is the jealous type, that may get his attention. Worth a shot. 

Post # 37
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Bee, maybe I am cynical, but I would highly doubt that you could enlist the sympathies and help of the other women in your boyfriend’s family. Because I’ll bet you anything that his mom and whoever else also wore the ring wanted something else too when they were engaged, but didn’t get it/too afraid to speak their minds, so had to start the “only wearing wedding band  and NOT this heirloom ring” tradition, lol.  So now they’re going to be all like “If I did it so can you”…

As for what you should do, I would tell him honestly that it is not my style, that I recognize the sentimental value behind it, but once you propose with it and we design our wedding bands, I plan to buy my own engagement ring that I WILL wear daily with my wedding band.

Here I have to be cynical again. I mean how important is it really to your Boyfriend or Best Friend that his great grandma wore the ring? Has he ever even met her? The fact that he’s OK with you never wearing the ring after the proposal says to me that he might see it more as a prop for proposal rather than a true family heirloom. So I have to ask, is this really about sentimental value or does he just not want to spend money on an e-ring–Which, there is NOTHING wrong with that, but I wish people would just own it and then have an adult DISCUSSION about it when their wants don’t align, rather than hide behind some glossy excuse and resort to trying to make other people feel bad. 

Post # 38
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

camenae :  “So I have to ask, is this really about sentimental value or does he just not want to spend money on an e-ring–”

 

My exact thought.   

Post # 39
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee

Good point about the other women who have worn this ring not being likely to be sympathetic.  

Post # 40
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee

I’m bothered by the fact that I don’t think that ring looks like something from the 40’s, which is about when I am guessing great grandma got married.

Post # 41
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Marriage is a lot about communication and you’re going to have many more difficult ones. You need to tell him honestly you’d rahter have another ring but you’re happy to ‘accept’ this one/ not wear it and pass it on

Post # 42
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Im on team just wear it and buy your own ring you desperately want. The ring really doesn’t matter. Focus more on the communication gap you guys have.

Post # 43
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

camenae :  Totally agree with this, except I am wondering if boyfriend’s primary motivation isn’t financial (since OP said she’d be fine with a moissy or gemstone) but rather an unhealthy obsession with pleasing his family even at the expense of OP’s happiness (which could bode badly for the future of their relationship). I am getting mad controlling family vibes from what OP wrote. 

“His family and him would be truly heartbroken.”

“I’m afraid to tell him I don’t want the ring because he will be angry and heartbroken and his family would be so offended.”

“I get along great with them but they would be angry if I refused the ring or said I wanted another one to wear as an engagement ring.”

I’m sorry, but at some point a proposal has to be about the actual couple getting engaged, not living up to inflexible expectations of the parents. It would be great if OP liked the ring and loved the sentiment–I actually think I would have been happy to receive such a ring cause I’m a sentimental person and love that stuff–but she doesn’t. And she’s the one he’s marrying. And yet her bf cares more about his family’s opinion on how their engagement should work than his own future wife’s feelings.

Post # 44
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hard Fact- heirloom ring = free

Is he stingy by nature?

He can propose with that ring and respect the tradition, but he still needs to buy you a ring that is special between the 2 of you.

Ask him why the other women in the family never wear it?

Post # 45
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I would just like to pop in and say this is why I am iffy on herlooms. Especially when the ring is not a classic. I think everyone should be able to wear what they want to signify their own marriage. Tell him you would love it on your right hand but the left is reserved for your own special symbol of your love and and commitment to each other.

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