He's going to propose w/ his great-grandmother's ring but I don't like it at all

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Tell him you want your own ring and that you’ll wear his grandmother’s on your right hand.  

Post # 47
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

In the end, YOU are the one who has to wear the ring for the rest of your life. Not your mother in law, not your Boyfriend or Best Friend, you.  It is absolutely crucial that you are honest with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, or else it’ll likely hang over your relationship for the rest of your life.

Maybe one way to explain it is: “I was so scared to tell you this that I almost didn’t. I want nothing less than to disappoint you and your family, but I feel that me withholding this would be a worse detriment to our relationship than me telling you. I’ve dreamed of having a clear stone (you could also say diamond) engagement ring my entire life and it would be so dishonest of me to pretend like this emerald ring would make that dream come true. I am so overjoyed to be marrying you, and I want my engagement ring to be an expression of that happiness. I want to show off my bling with pride knowing you broke tradition to make my dreams come true, because that’s how much you love me.”

Post # 48
Member
7772 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I also think it needs to be emphasized that this ring is COSTUME JEWELRY. It would be a bit different, I think, if this were a beautiful diamond or gemstone ring that had some actual value. But it’s a piece of costume jewelry worth $20. It’s unhinged that the bf and his entire family thinks it’s appropriate to force this poor girl to accept a piece of costume jewelry as her engagement ring. She is not being a diva because she had always dreamed of wearing a ring of some actual worth (moissy or gemstone would be fine, she said in originally)–MOST people wish for that.

She doesn’t even get a say – she’s just supposed to take it happily and then put it in a drawer once the engagement is over and wear a plain band forever. This is so controlling! I am getting more worked up the more i think about it lol. It just really makes me wonder what other inflexible family traditions she’s gonna be forced to partake in going forward.

Post # 49
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Lol I’d accept the ring and ‘lose’ it. My bad. 

In all seriousness, I’d probably buy something else that I do like, either online or at a store and wear that all the time. 

But when visiting your in laws, wear their ring. That’d be my work around 🙂 unless you see them a lot, then I have nothing 

Post # 50
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Can you make a deal to wear it in your right hand during your wedding day. I feel like things like that should just be tied to your bouquet. I think I like the idea of my daughter just tying mine to her bouquet as something borrowed then giving it back or putting it somewhere safe for the next bride in the family. 

Post # 51
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

beeb2323 :  So, here is where I think the compromise should come in. If he wants to propose with this ring, that’s fine. Let him have that sentimentality of it. But if even he does not expect you to wear this ring and simply keep it in a box for the next generation, then I don’t see why you can’t also get an everyday engagement ring. He does NOT get to dictate whether or not you only wear a wedding ring. That is unacceptable and frankly ridiculous of him to attempt to dictate. Even if you were to wear the ring throughout your engagement, you should still have the option of being presented with an engagement ring AND wedding band at the wedding. 

At this point, it’s just about communicating your point in a way that does not cause him to get defensive. Come with a compromise prepared and tell him that what he has in mind is a sweet sentiment, but it disregards your wishes. You could still get a pretty awesome wedding band at the very least. Not ever wedding band needs to be a white gold band with channel set diamonds. 

Post # 52
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Also how has this ring lasted so long if it’s of such a bad quality that it’s considered ‘costume jewellery’

Post # 53
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee

Innerdonught :  Because nobody will wear it. It has lived in various drawers for generations. Weirdest damn tradition I’ve ever heard of.

Post # 54
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to be completely honest. I’ve noticed that the way you’ve approached this with your boyfriend, while nice and respectful, isn’t completely truthful. You can’t be afraid to be honest with this guy, not if you see yourself marrying him. 

Let’s just get this out of the way- you don’t like the ring. It’s not good quality, you don’t like the way it looks, and you’d really prefer to get a ring chosen with you in mind made from better materials, because you plan to wear it every day with your wedding band even after your married. THAT’S what you need to tell your boyfriend. It might be a bit blunt and hurtful, but you’re not asking for anything ridiculous. The simple truth is that you don’t like this ring, and you don’t want to be stuck wearing it. I get it- I don’t like it either. I tend to like all kinds of rings, but it would honestly suck if this one was my only option. I think you need to try framing it more honestly- not under the guise of an upgrade. Tell him that you appreciate the sentiment but you’re just not a fan of the ring and aren’t too keen to wear it daily, and what does he think of picking something new with you.

Also, other posters have mentioned this, but I think there’s a reason this ring has lasted multiple generations and the women in his family only wear their bands. I’d do the same if I wasn’t given any other options.

Post # 55
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Say you have a metal allergy and can’t wear it. 

Post # 56
Member
5533 posts
Bee Keeper

You should know up front, if this relationship is going to be the my way or the highway kind of deal.  If you don’t tell him now, you’ll just keep giving into whatever for him and his family.  

Say something..

Post # 57
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

OP update????  

Post # 58
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

I kind of agree with yupmarried and katebluestone in that the story behind this particular ring seems a bit dodgy. That ring does not look at all like a ring from 60-80 or so years ago. I love vintage rings and have never seen a ring from that era that looks like that one. But hey, maybe I’m wrong. It looks more like a ring from the last 30 or so years ago. Does your own family have engagment ring traditions? Do all the women in your family have a tradition of choosing their own ring with their future spouse or have they all worn diamonds etc? Do your family traditions matter? I would happily accept the ring and put it away in a drawer and bring it out to wear for family gatherings to make them happy but if your fiance has no desire to buy you a ring you will love to wear everyday then do buy your own or as others have suggested get a wedding band that thrills you. You want to look down at your hand and be happy not resentful. It may sound trite but I have been married for awhile now and in my humble opinion honest communication and respect for each other’s opinions is vital. Good luck.

Post # 59
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

So the family tradition is to give women and engagement ring that they may or may not like and cannot wear because it isn’t made of materials that will last through daily wear?

Hey honeyI love you so much!  Let’s get married – and btw here’s an engagement  ring you can keep in your jewelry box and never wear! That just sounds bizarre to me! I totally get the fact that it’s been in the family for a long time and there is  tradition of passing it on. But the fact that you want an engagement ring should be important to him. It’s irrelevant what your families have done because they are not you and you are not them. Should you not wear blue if other people in the family don’t like blue? That’s silly! Here’s what I think I would do. I would ask him if this ring could be your “something old” and you could wear it on your right hand during the ceremony and keep it as a right-hand ring to wear occasionally so as not to completely wear it out. Then you and he can split the cost of a lovely engagement style ring that suits your taste that you can wear after the weddin with your new wedding ring. Or if he’d rather he could give you the engagement style ring as a wedding gift to be worn after the wedding with your new wedding ring. (Rathet than a necklace or other piece of jewelry as arw commonly given as wedding gift’s ) this gives respect to the tradition of handing the ring down through the generations but also respect your likes and desires. It could be a new family tradition!

On another note be careful family traditions don’t take over when you are married and start to dictate what you will do in other situations. You need to be your own couple with your own style. Specifically I have seen families where family traditions rear their stubborn heads after children come into the picture and it can create quite a lot of clashing between mothers and their in-laws! Stand your ground now  and remind him that you are a unique  individual with your own ideas and values that deserve to be respected as much as if not more so in some cases than family tradition after all he married you not his family.

Post # 60
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

beeb2323 :  girl, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it. It’s a nice gesture and understanding because it’s a ring that’s being passed down. If the ring wasn’t my style, I would say, “it’s a beautiful ring that I’d love to wear on my right hand, but I have an idea of what I’d love my engagement ring to be like.” Essentially, you’re still acknowledging that the ring is a big significance, just not your style, but that you would still wear it and that it’s beautiful in its own way. You’re allowed to get an engagement ring that you like, lol. If he can’t understand that then he’s being stubborn. Every woman should wear a ring she loves 

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