He's going to propose w/ his great-grandmother's ring but I don't like it at all

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 61
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You can be honest and tell him that it’s sweet and you’ll certainly keep it and wear it for special occasions but since you’re the one who has to live with wearing it every day, you should get a choice in the style. Or you can get engaged, “lose” it for about six months and get a new one and then miraculously find it. I would go with the first option, but if you do you.

Post # 62
Member
6448 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

The only reason this ring has lasted through three marriages is because it is used to propose and then someone stuffs it in a jewelry box and never wears it. It strikes me as really strange to have an heirloom ring that’s costume.

But you want to marry the guy, so be honest. Tell him you want a ring you can WEAR, and this is not and CAN NOT be the one (due to materials). If he is going to be stubborn, then you can be, too. Insist on a ring you can wear. He can propose using whatever ring he wishes. Get some photos of the engagement with that ring, pop it in the jewelry box and then wear something that will last. If you cannot communicate and resolve this issue, then good luck on the tough issues that sometimes come along with marriage. 

Post # 63
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

beeb2323 :   talk to him about getting yourself an everyday engagement ring as well. He did told you he didn’t expect you to wear the fake ring just like the previous owners. So I don’t see why it is a huge issue. They just want to pass down the ring for sentimental values as long as possible or some other reason. So will you and your bf be willing to compromise by him proposing with the fake ring like all the previous generations. You cmaxxept it. Then put the ring on your finger (if it fit), take a picture for future generations. Put the fake ring in a box for safe keeping till you oldest get the heirloom ring. Then get your every day engagement ring. Prepare for your wedding and get your wedding band as well. So technically you will get 3 rings but you will only wear those last two which is your taste.

Note: I wouldn’t wear a ring like that even if I love it because it hold to much sentimental value. If it break, no one will forget it. It is not meant to be worn everyday for many generations.

Post # 64
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

There’s a reason that ring has lived in drawers for decades and why the women only wear their wedding bands. To be fair, it looks better than what your description made it out to be but I would not want it either. 

I think it’s time you broke this tradition. I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell my husband before we were engaged how I felt about the ring and how important it was to me to have a ring of my own and wanting to wear my own set. He would have in turn respected that because I have to wear these rings everyday. If the two of you can’t come to a similiar conclusion or compromise so that each person is happy, then I would put an engagement on the back burner until you can communicate openly and honestly. I’m not bashing you at all for coming and posting this on the boards but I also think he should have been the first person to know how you felt about this ring instead of a bunch of strangers. 

Post # 65
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you don’t mind that the “engagement ring” you wear later every day is not the ring he proposed with, then perhaps you can accept the tradition and then just buy a nice ring you like and wear that as the daily “engagement ring” along with your wedding band. I put quotation marks on the word engagement because the ring you’d wear daily wouldn’t be the one he proposed with, so I’m not sure if that matters to you or not. If he doesn’t expect you to wear the passed-down ring at all, then there’s no stopping you from getting something you do like and substituting that as the e-ring. 🙂 Maybe it’s the gesture of proposing with the passed-down ring that’s important and of sentimental value to your boyfriend. It’s hard to know what he’s thinking. I hope you two can reach a compromise, though! All the best wishes!

Post # 66
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

I agree with so many PPs! The ring has survived because nobody really wears it. Just be honest with your future husband. This ring isn’t your style and isn’t suitable for daily wear. Perhaps he could give you the family ring on the same evening as the engagement, for symbolic purposes, but actually propose with another ring.

I don’t think you’re being bratty at all. It’s okay to want an engagement ring that suits you, and that you can wear every day. I would talk about this and about cost with your fiance and find an option that works for both of you. It sounds like he wasn’t expecting to purchase an engagement ring. I’m not sure how you’ll share costs once married, but just be sensitive to the fact that he hasn’t been budgeting for this, and plan accordingly. Maybe you cover it, maybe you share the cost, or maybe you just choose something very affordable.

Good luck!

Post # 67
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I edited my post.

I really cannot believe that ring is not from the forties. Looks to be eighties. I kinda feel like something else is going on.

Oh well, we may never know…

Post # 68
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Some great suggestions from PPs here. You should definitely talk about things and come to a solution you can both agree on. I can’t help thinking some of the comments on here are just the worst. People aren’t “subjected” to wearing a ring. Strangers should not assume your partner is cheap. This situation is not “heartbreaking”.

 

This is not a big problem and you two can resolve this. Do not believe tha you have been scorned, hurt or put upon. Remember that you love each other and he has the best intentions, but knows that his family values this tradition. That being said, these may not be the same values as yours, and you don’t have to do things just because the family wants you to. I hope your partner supports this. All you need to do is have a conversation and make some choices together. I’m sure he wants you to be happy, so be honest about it.

Either wear the ring or communicate with your partner and get something you love/make a compromise in terms of the wedding bands or wearing the ring for the engagement before getting another set. Whatever you choose, be kind to each other and consider each others’ feelings. This is what is important. Hope it works out!

Post # 69
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

beeb2323 :  Honesty is the best policy. Tell him that you love him very much and you’re excited to be engaged soon, but you want to be equally excited about your engagement ring too. Tell him this heirloom ring is not what you want. And then show him exactly what you want. Be brief, be direct. 

Post # 70
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

OP– one more thing from me. A lot of us bees are telling you to buy your own ring, including me,  because sometimes in this life you have to take matters into your own hands if you want something. Your bf’s mind is made up that buying you an engagement ring isn’t necessary. But if I were you, I’d find subtle and coy ways of letting him know that it’s TRADITION for men to spend a significant amount of money on an engagement ring to prove serious intent to marry, to give the woman a visible sign of his and her commitment to show the world, and to reassure her parents that he is financially stable enough to take care of a family. I’d find coy ways of pointing out how many men save for this special item and let him feel a little guilty for getting off Scott free on this one, there might be a vacation or handbag in it for you 😉 I can kind of see your bd all boastful on reddit about how he spent zero on an engagement ring and his wife didn’t care… eye roll.

Post # 71
Member
11642 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

One of the few consistent factors I see in successful marriages is they do what is best for their family unit. Not what anyone else, including family of origin, want or demand.

also, they are equals and both prioritize the other.

this ring doesn’t work for you. He shouldn’t be forcing his family tradition on you. You two should come up with your own traditions.

also, that ring doesn’t look like it’s from the 40s and I’m sideyeing his whole story. Either way, it does not work for you and you are not a prop to be fit into his family of origin. 

Post # 72
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The fact that his family thinks “upgrading” is tacky, but doesn’t see anything wrong with forcing a fake (calling it like it is) ring on a woman who has no sentimental ties whatsoever to it is puzzling to say the least. I agree with most of what everyone else has said, but still think it’s silly that you would even have to wear this ring on your right hand or on special occassions. You clearly do not like it. At all! The fact that you have to dedicate so much thought to making his family and him feel comfortable when no one gave any thought to your feelings is unsettling. Whatever you do, be honest. 

Post # 73
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I wonder if no one wore it because everyone secretly hated it but no one has the balls to say something?

Post # 74
Member
2923 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

babou :  The issue is that he just expects the OP to only wear a wedding band once they’re married because that’s what all the other women in his family do, completely igonoring her want to wear both an engagement and wedding band.  His family “traditions” are more important than the OP’s desires.

OP, my ex Fiance proposed with a ring that was his grandmother’s.  It wasn’t her engagement ring, but a ring she wore on her right hand; found out later it was costume jewelry.  I expressed my desire for my own ring and holy crap, world war 3 broke out.  His reaction was so over the top, calling me materialistic and caring only about the ring.  His family got involved (mostly his mom) and I was seen as basically turning my nose up at his family.  Things were a bit dicey for a while until his friends (and sister) talked some sense into him.

 I don’t know exactly what was said but he did a 180.  He did get me my own ring.  We broke up because he cheated on me, but looking back, seeing his reaction to me wanting my own ring, which I didn’t think was an unreasonable request, should have been a huge red flag.  I’m not sure if he truly sincerely wanted to get me my own ring or was doing it to shut me up.

I would talk to your boyfriend one more time and explain how important it is for you to want your own ring and how you’ve always wanted to wear a wedding set.  When did “family traditions” count more than what you want?  Gauge his reaction and if he digs his heels in, I really would question if I wanted to stay with that kind of guy.  I think it would be OK to accept the grandmother’s ring ONLY if he agrees to ALSO get you your own (or you split the cost).

Post # 75
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

jasmariep :  The fact that his family thinks “upgrading” is tacky, but doesn’t see anything wrong with forcing a fake (calling it like it is) ring on a woman who has no sentimental ties whatsoever to it is puzzling to say the least.

Yes. This. So much this. 

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