He's had the ring for 11 months!

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
2252 posts
Buzzing bee

 

hungrymeow: “Guess I did miss what you were specifically being judgmental about.”  πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Post # 19
Member
1118 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

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beejaymes :  People take a lot of risks in love. The matter at hand to me is not that you had kids before being married, it’s that he’s sticking with you through another kid, bought the ring, and just hasn’t given it to you for whatever reason.

Maybe just think about what you want most and based on that, think about what you need to express to him. He might think that with the kids you wouldn’t consider leaving, so he has all the time in the world to hang onto the ring, or just to never commit in the way you need.

Post # 20
Member
5504 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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beejaymes :  well then I’I sure he’s going to propose. Why would he buy a ring if he wasn’t sure about marrying you? Id give him some more time. Perhaps both of you can check out a courthouse nearby and see their availability. 

Post # 22
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m not sure he believes he has all the time in the world so why rush it.  Would you stand to see your best friend cry, scream, or do and feel all the things that you have been going through because you keep putting off something?  Wouldn’t you have fixed it after the first time? Knowing it was because of you?

Well maybe you wouldn’t fix it.  Maybe they want something unreasonable. They want you to leave your family and live in a different country.  Quit the job of your dreams to work with them making less money.  Dress only in hot pink.

But I bet you would fix it if it were something you wanted to do, looking forward to doing.  

Don’t kick him out to make him propose.  Don’t do it because you’re angry. Do it because you’re tired of watching your best friend watch you suffer and do nothing about it. Do it because you value you.  Do it because he doesn’t value you enough.  Because all that is okay.  He’s allowed to watch you suffer and not value you. He may love you but he sure doesn’t mind watching you spiral enough to do something for you that he doesn’t want to do.  Because he values himself enough not to.

Post # 23
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

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beejaymes :  I think you’re being perfectly reasonable to be frustrated. Regardless of whether you have kids or not, that has nothing to do with the person you love proposing to you. You discussed engagement and the ring was purchased, so where is it 11 months later?

Also, there is no “right” way to do things with marriage and children. I think it’s rude that a previous post said you’ve been doing things “backwards.” Why? Just because you had kids before marriage, it’s bawkwards? Who made up that law and who is enforcing it? It’s a BS stereotype. Doesn’t matter if you had an unplanned pregnancy then planned a new baby at the same time you discussed engagement. Pregnancy doesn’t determine whether you’re worth getting proposed to/engaged. You deserve that with our without kids in the picture. I’m going on 5 years next month and the ring was just purchased. You bet your ass I’m not sticking around without a fit if he holds it for 11 months. 

Post # 24
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

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beejaymes :  also, have you expressed to him that you don’t want a big, fancy, proposal that’s going to take months to plan? Maybe letting him know you want something private and simple will take pressure off him and he can move on with it! Or maybe he’s waiting until after you deliver the baby.

You’re right to say that he shouldn’t have all the control in this. It’s a shared future, you both have a say in it. So he should listen to what you want too!

Post # 25
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You have the patience of a saint. I would have kicked him out. Not maliciously, not to try to force his hand, but because if someone wants the whole package from me (exclusivity, babies, shared responsibilities, caring for them when they’re sick, romance) they better tell me so by making it official. If they hesitate almost a year after we agree that it should be happening, all the while watching me squirm, just for control of some stupid made up moment that only matters so much to them because it’s culturally “the thing to do,” I could stand to look at them less often. 

Things that are conventional in a relationship do often exist for a reason, but I feel like a lot of people fall back on the convention and pass on the reason. A proposal has the convention of being a big and exciting step a couple takes together, and the reason of that is because it’s two separate people deciding that they want to spend their lives together. In waiting so long beyond when you expected this to happen, he’s taken away the excitement. Now it’ll be exciting for him, but for you it’ll just be kind of like “well, finally!” And that isn’t fair. 

Post # 26
Member
6814 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

For some reason, he’s had the ring and felt that it was more okay to watch his pregnant partner cry and be stressed about the situation than to just give you the damn thing. His inaction has caused doubt and fear to cloud what should be a beautiful time. So, he might he a dumbass.

On the other hand, you chose to get pregnant again without a ring or a wedding. My husband and I had our first child without being married. When we started talking about having a second, I let him know that I was not interested in having another child without having a husband and the established security that comes with marriage. If we hadn’t been thinking of another child, I would have been content to remain as we were, but I was very clear that I was not willing to have another baby outside of marriage because that was what was important to me. You said that you weren’t willing to not have another baby or to wait just because you weren’t engaged. So, somewhere inside you, you’d decided that being with him was more important than being married. Of course you weren’t expecting to still not be engaged at this point. But you had decided you were okay with not being married up to that point.

I think you should start to figure out what you will do if he doesn’t propose or if he continues to sit on the ring like he thinks it will hatch. And you need to get very very clear- are you leaving if he doesn’t propose? Are you going to stay with him no matter what? Stop worrying about what his actions (or inaction) mean – that he doesn’t love you as much as you love him or any other story. What do YOU want? Are you going to stay with him no matter what? Then be with him, love him, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, build a life together and be at peace. Is his lack of proposal a deal breaker for you? Then start thinking about your departure plan and when you’re going to implement it and, meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, be happy and be at peace.

Post # 28
Member
11342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
beejaymes :  

He’s not a ‘wonderful partner’.  He’s torturing you.

What kind of “man” does this to the woman he claims to love?

You didn’t ‘ruin’ a damn thing.  He has poisoned your relationship, possibly making it unsalvagable at this point.

At this moment, your priority is your precious baby.  

It is also time to start taking steps to reclaim your power in the relationship.  He does not get to control the future.  Whether or not to get married is a decision made by two adults.

You have a career, you have your babies.  You don’t need his shit.  Only you can decide whether everything he has put you through is worth it.

Post # 29
Member
11342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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TeacupSeahorse :  

Oh, I’m not buying that Super Special Special Proposal Now You Ruined It Crap.  We hear that old worn out claptrap about once an hour around here.

These guys are all singin’ from the same hymnal.

Post # 30
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

In Sweden where I live, it’s very common for couples to have a baby and then marry or not marry at all. We’re pretty untraditional in that way. I also find it odd that for some people it seems to be a bigger commitment to get married than to have kids. I just don’t get it. You can always divorce but you can never change the father/mother of your child.

So I think it’s very reasonable for you to expect him to propose and marry you since he already committed to having kids with you. Especially since he said he would! I don’t think I ever would find myself in your situation because I wouldn’t have the patience to wait for 11 months! I can fully understand your frustration! I would take it as he doesn’t love me and he’s not as committed to me as I am to him. I agree with what others here said that if he loves you, cares about you and respects you, how could he watch you wait and suffer all that time?! As soon as he realized how painful it was for you to wait then he should’ve proposed to you right then and there! It’s like he likes the control and power or he’s not really sure he wants to marry you.

If I were you I would confront him. Really ask him why hasn’t he proposed, what is he waiting for? And I would tell him that I’ve waited 11 months and now I doubt his love and commitment to me and I would give him an ultimatum. Either he loves me and wants to marry me and we’re officially engaged now (no more surprise proposal) or he’s not sure or ready and he’s gonna watch me walk out that door. Then it’s going to be really clear if he truly loves you and wants to marry you or not.

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